The Liar

2002-08-09T09:37:00.000Z

Bears in Glasses

3 rare polar bears were rescued and bought over to the UK 3 weeks ago after they found in a mans back garden in Poland, with him claiming the polar bears were pets.

Rupert Herdwink, the man responsible for the bears rescue, said that he was very happy to have the bears in this country, but there was a problem with them being here. "The bears are used to looking at snow on the ground, and upon entering this country, it was discovered that the bears could not see in our British daylight".

Rupert contacted various vets and specialists before Sidney Fallpasser, a trainee vet in exotic mammals came up with this solution to "provide the bears with protection sunglasses allowing them to see in this country. The lens colour can then be slowly lightened over time thus gradually adjusting the bears eyes gently to our bright daylight".

Rupert Herdwink said that he must have been one of the only people that was glad that this summer has been so short "Due to the lack of continual sunshine, there has been a mountain of unused sunglasses. This has helped our cause as manufacturers have donated glasses to us to help the polar bears. We have allowed the names of the companies to advertise on the info cards for the bears. It really is handy as the glasses fall off so the bears get through several if not more, pairs a day. It is nice to know that we have all these glasses for free else it would cost us a small fortune."

It is anticipated that, providing there is no more days of bright sunshine, that the bears will be free of their glasses by October.

2002-07-31T15:20:00.000Z

Nimoy: I was a Supreme

Actor Leonard Nimoy, best known to generations of Science Fiction fans as Spock the highly logical pointy-eared Vulcan from Star Trek, has shocked the entertainment world this morning after revelations that he is suing legendary Motown chanteuse Diana Ross. Nimoy is angered that Ross is earning millions from back sales of records by The Supremes and that he hasn't seen a cent of the royalties. "It is a little known fact, and is often overlooked, but I was in The Supremes in the early days, just before the opening on Star Trek came along. I just want what's coming to me. Diana is getting far too greedy these days, and she should remember those of us who were there at the beginning and who helped her on her way up to the top."

2002-07-31T14:42:00.000Z

STOP PRESS
Reports are just now coming in that Tom Selleck has invaded Poland, in what eyewitnesses are describing as a "loud and offensive shirt". The international community spearheaded by President Bush and Tony Blair have called an emergency meeting of heads of state. It is not yet known what action will be taken against Mr Selleck, star of TV's Magnum, but early reports state that we cannot rule out the possibility of air strikes against him.

Insider sources tell us that Mr Selleck was admonished and "severely warned" following the Three Men and a Baby fiasco along with his co-conspirators Steve Guttenberg and Ted Danson. The actor was advised that he must act peacably, and that if he ever tried anything dodgy again, he'd have the rest of the civilised world to answer to.

2002-07-03T18:06:00.000Z

Boredom in Penguins: A Real-Life 21st Century Crisis

A wildlife report has today revealed that penguins, which inhabit some of the coldest most inhospitable regions of our planet, are becoming increasingly more and more bored by the minute. Penguins in Antartica have already been observed building snow penguins for entertainment. Plans are already afoot to drop supplies of board games, toys and crossword puzzle books by Christmas, but P.E.C.K. - the Penguin Entertainment Crisis Kommittee - insist that this is not soon enough, and that if we don't send out some decent stuff, such as Nintendos, Game Boys and perhaps the odd Tracy Island set for the occassional nostalgic penguin, then the comical looking birds may very well give up on us altogether and take flight for their home planet. Or something.

2002-06-26T12:08:00.000Z

HEN-MAN is Evil!

Britain's leading light on the tennis court, Tim Henman, may be asked to withdraw from this year's Wimbledon tournament, as it has been revealed that he is actually a powerful malevolent being from another dimension answering to the name of HEN-MAN.

Religious leaders from around the UK have been appealing to the Lawn Tennis Association for the immediate suspension of Henman from this and all future events.

"His is an evil un-Godly presence," the Archbishop of Canterbury told the World's Press today in an official statement. "He uses his otherworldly powers of evil against his sporting opponents. For example, at the recent Indian Wells Masters tournament in March, HEN-MAN used a black magic spell on his opponent Lleyton Hewitt, causing him to levitate in the air." (see photo, right).

It has even been suggested that HEN-MAN - who can take the form of a giant man-chicken at will - has been prowling the Earth through eternity. Back in the 1960s his evil schemes very nearly came to demonic fruition whilst embodied in an earlier incarnation as Jimi HEN-drix, who delighted in spreading his evil amongst unwitting followers through the media of psychedelic music. HEN-drix, like HEN-MAN, had his magic staff - his talisman of power - which took the form of a Fender Stratocaster guitar. HEN-MAN's Slavenger tennis racket is believed to be this same magic staff which has been sent through time when - as HEN-drix - he performed the "guitar sacrifice" with a bottle of lighter fluid and a box of matches at the Monterey Pop Festival in 1967.

Meanwhile, Lawn Tennis Association officials are locked in debate trying to come up with a solution to this problem.

Cliff Richard is said to be "devastated".

2002-06-25T10:59:00.000Z

New Sun block Laws

The Government has rushed through a white paper and with effect from Tuesday 25th June 2002, sunbathing without adequate protection approved by the government, will be a punishable crime.

Professor Lilwhite has confirmed that most people ignore the risks from sunbathing, and as a desperate measure to cut costs on the NHS, sunbathing is banned in the UK unless the approved protection is used.

The University of Anti Sun Burn and Harmful Damage to Skin (UASBHDS) has developed this face protector for the bargain price of £15. It provides 100% sun blockage and guarantees no need for after sun and has a government seal of approval.

The bad news is that they have not designed it for the rest of the body, so you will have to wear your trousers and long sleeved tops, as if you get caught semi or naked in the sun, you will be confined to a prison cell until the sun goes.

Major superstores have been in uproar after most of them bought sun creams in bulk for the buy one get free promotion. A spokesman for Superdrug has asked Tony Blair what they are supposed to do with all their sun creams. It was suggested that they may wish to ship it another country that does not have this new law.

The reply is unprintable.

2002-06-14T12:32:00.000Z

Kermit The Frog Stole My Sandwiches, claims Blair

The PM has been left fuming following the head muppet's antics at 10 Downing Street yesterday. "It wasn't even as if he had an appointment," Mr Blair told an astonished House of Commons. "He just stolled in, bold as brass, went straight to the fridge and made it away with my cheese and marmite."

Outside Parliament, a Labour Party spokesperson told the gathering press that the Prime Minister was "absolutely furious" and had to "send out for a packet of crisps and a Mars bar", having "refused John Prescott's offer of a bite from his pork pie".

Meanwhile there has been much frenzied speculation about how the Government will respond to this outrageous piece of liberty-taking. The Times has suggested that one likely outcome may be that Britain will boycott The Muppet Show, and place sanctions on any related series such as Sesame Street, whilst The Sun fears the worst, their front page advocating that we "NUKE THE LITTLE GREEN BASTARD".

2002-06-14T12:17:00.000Z

Where Are They Now? Anneka Rice

The question on everybody's lips these days, of course, is "Whatever happened to Anneka Rice, she of Treasure Hunt and Challenge Anneka fame?" Well, we at The Liar have some insider info on this very topic. Knowing how Anneka enjoyed getting to grips with a good challenge, several years ago we challenged her to find out how many whelks there were around the rocky coasts of the British Isles.

We thought she'd just ask a few people here and there, make a few enquiries, a few calculations, some educated estimates, and come back to us within the week, but Oh No! This was Anneka we were dealing with, and not someone to do things by half measures. She only decided that she'd go off and count every single bloody one herself, and has made it her life mission to count the total number of whelks around the British Isles and - as far as we know - has been at it, clambering over dangerous rocky outcrops and risking life and limb, ever since!

2002-06-14T12:16:00.000Z

STOP PRESS... News is just reaching us that the popular comedian and television presenter, Jim Davidson's buttocks have exploded in a freak gooseberry picking accident in Yorkshire this morning.

Rest assred that we at The Liar will be covering this story in much more depth as and when the details are released.

Well, maybe.

If we can be arsed.

2002-06-05T12:27:00.000Z

Madge 'n' Badge

Madonna has outraged nature lovers by adopting a badger, which she takes everywhere with her on a leash.

"The badger is a protected species in Britain, and it is illegal to take one into your home and make it your pet," explained Cuthbert Periwinkle, President of the Badgers Are People Too League. "These celebrities think they can just swan in from America, buy up all our best properties in Kensington - which incidentally would make a fabulous badger reserve if properly managed - and if that weren't enough they think they can ignore the laws of the land and influence our wildlife, teaching them to perform tricks for a handful of food or perhaps an autograph or two..."

"It's preposterous," he added.

Madonna, who is reported to have adopted the badger - which acts as her personal bodyguard - after an unfortunate incident in which she was attacked by otters, declined to comment.

2002-06-04T21:24:00.000Z

Kylie in Freak Microwave Oven Accident

The Pocket-sized Antipodean Poppet (PAP for short) Kylie Minogue has tonight issued a statement to the press to the effect that despite her accident this weekend involving a microwave oven, she is fit and well, and expects to be wiggling her bottom as usual in the weeks and months ahead.

"The press have blown the incident totally out of perspective," piped the petite princess of pop, perkily. "It was quite simple. All that happened was that I put an egg in the microwave, y'know, to see what would happen, because you're not supposed to put eggs in microwaves and I was naturally curious. Anyway all that happened was that it exploded and it was really stinky, y'know?"

"All the reports that I fell into the microwave oven were totally bogus, and quite ridiculous. I mean, I can hardly even reach the oven in the first place, let alone fall into it. I had to put my highest heels on," she said, no doubt wiggling that now legendary bottom at the same time.

2002-05-07T13:09:00.000Z

Paul Daniels, the "You'll like it... Not a lot" magician, has decided to come out of retirement and go make his fortune in Las Vegas. But wife, the lovely Debbie McGee won't be appearing on-stage as his assistant. "Oh no," Paul told us, "Debbie's got other fish to fry. Mainly cod and plaice... she's taken a job at the local chippie you see. Well, times are hard, so that is why I'm off to Vegas to make us lots of cash."

Inspired by legendary Vegas magic acts like Siegfried and Roy with their menagerie of albino lions and tigers, Paul's on-stage partner will be Roxy the Polar Bear. "You can't do magic in Vegas and not have a ferocious white animal on stage with you," explained Daniels. "You'd be booed off stage. I'm sure Roxy will do an admirable job as my assistant. The only problem is trying to crowbar her into Debbie's old stage outfits. Have you ever tried to get an 800 pound polar bear into a rhinestone bikini?"

2002-04-26T20:11:00.000Z

ITV Digital's Monkee gets job
With the recent demise of ITV digital the mascot Monkee has been signed by a major Hollywood studio for an undisclosed amount. Universal Pictures has stated that it has a number of top starring roles in line for Monkee including a remake of Star Wars where he will play Luke Gibbon a Jedi warrior. Other roles being especially written for him are as a Terminator robot in the next of the Terminator series and as the lead in the refilming of Leonardo di Caprio's scenes from Titanic. Monkee has said in a statement issued by his agent that he is 'quite chuffed' to have landed the contract as he was facing the next few years back in the sock draw.

2002-04-26T17:19:00.000Z

Rumours that Celine Dion is suffering from a severe fruit phobia were today denied by Ms. Dion's management.

"Ms. Dion loves fruit. Some of her best meals have been apples." insisted Marcel Duluth, her French Canadian nail technician.

Sources close to Ms. Dion however, speak of a lifetime fear of the vitamin-packed snacks which is beginning to threaten her sanity and her recording career. "Only yesterday poor Celine had to run from a rehearsal room when she realised it contained a large bowlful of fruit." said our source. "We are all hoping and praying that therapy will help her through her dificulties, or heaven knows when her next album will be be ready."

2002-04-25T12:51:00.000Z

Welsh weather wondergirl found in packet of salt and vinegar

Imagine the look of surprise on 74 year old Walter Freeloader's face when he opened a packet of salt and vinegar crisps only to find the visage of his favourite weather girl, Sian Lloyd, staring up at him. For there upon one of his golden crisps was a near-perfect image of the welsh meteorological sensation. "I couldn't believe it," the gibbering pensioner told us. "I suppose that there must have been a whole potato with Sian's lovely beaming face running through it like a stick of rock."

The Sian Lloyd crisp now takes pride of place in a specially-made cabinet on Walter's sideboard, whilst each week Walter spends most of his pension on packets of crisps. "I really want to find all those other Sian crisps that may be out there in circulation. I've bought myself a magnifying glass and I've been sorting through the crisps on my kitchen table. I'd hate to think of someone not even noticing her face in amongst their crisps and unwittingly munching her."

When asked to comment, Sian Lloyd told us that "Oh, my face appears everywhere. Only last week I received a letter from a man in Caerphilly who had seen my face in a slice of cucumber, and apparently there's a group of astronomers on the internet who have been comparing notes on a rock formation on Mars that they think looks just like me."

2002-04-23T13:18:00.000Z

Leo Sayer in Milk Float Mix-Up Mayhem

The singer Leo Sayer - who had many a chart-busting hit in the 1970s such as "When I Need You" and "I Won't Let The Show Go On" - got into an embarrassing mix-up recently after he decided to take a leaf out of fellow Brighton resident Chris Ewbank's book. "I'd seen Chris driving about town and along the sea-front in this enormous truck that he'd had imported from the USA," the diminutive singer told us. "And I thought, Yeah, I want to be eccentric too! I want to drive around in something really MAD!"

"So, I went home and looked down the back of the sofa and pretty soon I'd accumulated a few million pounds, that I must have dropped down there back in the days when I was having number one singles and all that, and anyway, I decided to buy the mad eccentric vehicle of my dreams."

So Leo bought himself a gold-plated milk float, and was soon to create a familiar spectacle around Brighton driving along the sea-front with a two mile tail-back of traffic behind him. "You don't know the sense of elation that gave me," he enthused. "It was such a great feeling, hearing all those car horns; it was like having a whole band behind me again. A band of car horns."

But disaster struck when the imp-like star took his milk float to Tesco. "I was only popping in for a pint of milk. Yeah, and before you say it, I was aware of the irony of that situation. But when I got out of the shop and went to find my float I discovered the entire car park was full of milk floats. It turned out that this day, of all days, was the annual Brighton to Hove milk float rally, and all these milkmen and milkwomen and milk float enthusiasts had stopped off to use the Tesco's restaurant for lunch break. It took me bleedin' hours to find my own milk float amongst that lot, and when I did my milk had gone sour."

2002-04-23T12:15:00.000Z

Commuters Outraged

Travellers on the railways in England are outraged as a new pre-summer law is enforced on the National Railways.

Every commuter will have to raise both of their arms before boarding any trains, and will have their arm pits sniffed by a team of specialist Body Odor Detectors, known as the BOD Group.

This law has come into effect before the height of the summer arrives, causing no end of misery for some commuters as others simply disregard their personnel hygiene.

The move, according to the Anti-BOD Movement, was bought about by a small minority of people that could not understand the sexual attraction that is caused by smelling one person's sweat.

The man responsible for forming the BOD Group has replied stating that the various Rail Networks were sick of people complaining that trains smelt like Bovril soup, beef and onion crisps or vinegar in the height of summer.

Anyone found to have traces of body odor will be offered a can of deodorant to use, or given a bar of soap and told to go back home in extreme cases.

2002-04-22T21:23:00.000Z

Breaking news: Scientists in Cambridge have tonight revealed the astonishing discovery that cheese is in fact sentient. More news on this amazing story as and when it comes in. Or maybe even never. Depending on whether we can be bothered or not.

2002-04-22T11:54:00.000Z

The Truth Is Out There... or at least it would be if there was an "out there"

NASA have admitted, after years of heated debate and speculation, that Yes they did indeed fake the Moon landings. And moreover, it seems that the Moon itself was a hoax, which was earlier today revealed as being a large silver balloon tethered to the Earth.

And as if this wasn't shocking enough, a NASA spokesman went on to add insult to injury by telling a stunned public that, "Not only were there no moon landings, and no moon to land on in the first place, but there is no such thing as Space. We just made it up for a laugh. We were surprised that people were taken in by it all. We never thought anyone would seriously fall for it. We've been laughing ourselves silly in private for years."

2002-04-22T09:55:00.000Z

Orangutan presents loyal "tickler" with Medal.

Shirley, the orangutan, finally got to say thanks to her special friend in a rather unique ceremony yesterday in Ohio, America.

Dan Tharquat had first met Sheila during a school trip to the local zoo. He then returned to do voluntary work, and quickly became Sheila's main tickling partner.

For the last 50 years, Dan has continued to tickle Sheila through her life, firming a strong bond between them.

Flo Gurpin, the owner of the monkey house at the zoo, said that she thought this was the best way to reward Dan for all his hard work over the years.

Sheila was trained by an animal coach to enable her to present Dan with his lifetime Tickler award.

Mr Tharquat was visibly moved by the special ceremony, and said that he hoped for many mores years of tickling ahead.

2002-04-15T11:34:00.000Z

Sarah Michelle Geller, TV's Bunty the Vampire Slayer, confesses that if she ever met a real-life vampire she wouldn't know what to do. "I'd most likely end up trying to spoon it to death," she told us. "I usually carry a spoon or two around with me, so I can practice spoon-bending between takes on set." Indeed, Sarah's uncle is none other than the psychic paranormalist spoonbender himself, Mr Uri Geller, who has threatened to leave her out of his will if she doesn't master the art of mangling cutlery using the power of the mind.

2002-04-15T09:33:00.000Z

Rustling banned from Cinemas

After years of constant complaining, sweets in rustling wrappers have finally been banned from cinemas in Sweeden. Hurgle Furharg, leader of the Anti-Rustling Movement, finally got to celebrate yesterday by throwing thousands of jelly beans from the stage of his local cinema.

Hurgle has been campaigning for years after, what he calls, being tormented by noisy sweet wrappers whilst trying to enjoy a film. The decision to ban rustling sweet wrappers came after a fight broke out in one cinema, causing two men to be admitted to hospital.

Both men are now fine now that they have had their sweets surgically removed, and welcome the ban.

Some cinema's are considering selling sweets that normally rustle without their wrappers once an automated sweet unwrapping machine has been through the final stages of development.

Tony Blair is currently assessing Film Rage in the UK, with a possible move to employ the same ban across cinemas in the UK.

2002-04-12T15:09:00.000Z

Following an EC directive, Blackpool's Golden Mile is to be officially re-named the Golden 1.6 Kilometers, in the spirit of metrification. Cutting the ribbon at the renaming ceremony this weekend will be Brian from Big Brother (who?) and Keith Harris and Orville. And there will be free fish and chips for everyone, and also members of the Coronation Street cast will be available for poking with sticks and verbal abuse.

2002-04-12T08:44:00.000Z

The good people of Belgium have wrapped Celine Dion up in brown paper and string and have posted her back to Canada, marked "Return to sender".

2002-04-11T11:46:00.000Z

Girly Liverpudlian Teen-Pop Trio Spill The Beans

Atomic Kitten's Lil confesses, "We were originally supposed to be called Atomic Kitchen, but we couldn't spell it."

2002-04-11T11:36:00.000Z

Breaking news:

The singer Celine Dion has been exiled to Belgium by order of the Canadian Government. "You are a disgrace to your nation," she was told, "and have brought shame and a regime of fear and self-loathing upon the whole of Canada."

2002-04-10T11:40:00.000Z

Harry, the worlds tallest giraffe from India, is to undergo a revolutionary operation.

Harry appeared to be behaving out of character and the zoo vet could find no reason. Tonto Longthorn, the giraffe whisperer, was called in and has confirmed that Harry is suffering headaches due to an onset of vertigo.

The vet is now planning to operate on Harry to reduce his neck by almost a foot in order to cure Harry of his vertigo. Fans of the giant giraffe are scared that Harry will be removed from the Guinness Book of Records as he will no longer be the worlds tallest giraffe.

The Guinness Book of Records have confirmed that Harry will retain the record for the foreseeable future.

2002-04-10T11:33:00.000Z

In Lewes there will be another 2 minutes silence tomorrow, but not for the Queen mother, but to the death of the hedge shaped like a "thingy" which has been lovingly pruned by Violet Underpass for over 40 years.

The new house owners are disgusted by the hedge, and will be cutting it down tomorrow. It is reported that Violet is set to chain herself the hedge.

2002-04-09T15:50:00.000Z

Unlike Pinocchio, woodlice are actually made out of wood.

2002-04-09T15:47:00.000Z

The word jiggerypokery is mentioned a staggering 329 times (count them!) in the Bible.

2002-04-09T13:10:00.000Z

In 1881 the italian author Carlo Lorenzini began writing the children's classic, Pinocchio, the story of the toy who comes to life. It is a little known fact that his story was in fact simply an adaptation of an old folk tale which had been handed down from generation to generation, and in which the central character was in fact carved out of dried cow dung. The character of Jiminy Cricket was in fact a creation of Lorenzini's; in the original folk tale, Pinocchio - the boy made out of dried poo - underwent his various travels and adventures in the companionship of a bullfinch, a chirpy feathered fellow known as Mike.

As in the version of the story we all know so well, Pinocchio the lad made of excrement was also a notorious liar. This is where the expression "You're talking bullshit" comes from. Which is not to be confused with the line, "Wow! You're a talking bullfinch!" which was often addressed to Mike.

2002-04-09T12:41:00.000Z

Primal Scream singer Bobbie Gillespie keeps a basketful of stale doughnuts (which he buys cheap at Tesco at the end of the day) at his bedside, so that he is armed and ready with a supply of convenient projectiles to hurl at "the giant man-eating caterpillar that comes in the night".

2002-04-06T10:21:00.000Z

BBC to replace 10 o'clock news with stepladder

The latest casualty at the BBC, following the recent Digital TV "Wars", is its 10 o'clock news programme (formerly the 9 o'clock news) which has been scrapped and replaced with a stepladder.

The Director General Greg Dyke has issued a statement saying, "We have been harnessing the power of new technology to offer the very latest in multimedia, digital television, BBC online, etc, but we can only do this by holding on tight to the purse strings. Everything we do as an organization must strictly adhere to the budgets that have been set. If a television programme goes over budget, then we must take appropriate steps, and if this means axing the show and cutting our losses, then so be it."

The first programme to be axed in this cost-cutting campaign is the 10 o'clock news. The show was considered to be "ludicrously expensive" by some mainly because of the fee that former ITN newsreader Peter Sissons demanded, and also for the gallons of very expensive imported make-up used to make him look "less corpse-like".

But the straw that broke the camel's back was the unauthorised purchase of a stepladder by the BBC 10 o'clock news team. The stepladder, which was allegedly needed so that a coin-operated gas meter could be reached, was bought without the correct paperwork authorising its purchase having been done. This simple purchase tipped the scales and put the whole 10 o'clock news show over budget, and the Director General, to show that he meant business when he said that no programme was to go over budget, cancelled the programme immediately.

Much of the newsroom set that was seen on screen had been computer-generated; the computer boffins who worked on this "virtual" set have been re-employed elsewhere working on an database of Basil Brush's jokes for BBC Online, whilst the physical parts of the newsroom set have been taken away for recycling. Meanwhile Peter Sissons is being auctioned off on eBay. Ironically, all that still remains from the 10 o'clock news programme is the offending stepladder that caused all the trouble in the first place. The lack of paperwork authorising its purchase meant that it couldn't be re-assigned to another part of the BBC.

Currently the 10 o'clock news spot is being filled with repeats of Dad's Army and Porridge, but the BBC are considering a replacement low budget news bulletin which will feature the stepladder with cards pinned to it carrying the main headlines and news summaries of the day. The camera will pan slowly over these allowing the viewer to read the stories themselves.

2002-04-03T12:38:00.000Z

Britney to vomit on new singleWe at The Liar are proud to reveal exclusively to the world, exclusive details of teen sensation Britney Spears' next fabulous release. In an exclusive interview, the young virginal singer told us that "My last hit was a country song. I've done dance and I wanted to do something a bit not the same as that this time. So I've been listening to a lot of this noo metal."

It seems that the young Ms Spears, in search of something that little bit different, had been hanging out in metal clubs and getting into the whole death metal and thrash metal scene. "I like the vocals when they go Blerurrhghghhhggggghhhh-aaaaahhhhhhggggg-gh-ghghhhh," she told us. "I thinked to myself, I can do that. So I did."

And so she did! Indeed, she went one better than all the gutteral-voiced heavy metal singers, and actually vomited whilst recording her vocals. "I was trying to do all that Bleurgghghghhh stuff and it made me feel sick, and I had a little accident. The studio man said the microphone was only fit for the bin afterwards, and they would have to get the carpet shampooed, but we liked the sound of it, so we kept it in."

Britney's new single, Bleerarghgghg-arghgh-thrrrurgghlglerrrrrghghhhh (I'm Gonna Heave All Over You) is out next month. A random music lover who we stopped in the street summed it up for everyone when he commented that it would be a refreshing change for Britney to be the one throwing up rather than the poor sods who have to listen to her.

2002-04-03T08:45:00.000Z

Saved in the nick of time

POLICE officers in Ffaircwm, South Wales, were mystified this morning when the village police station disappeared without trace. Quick thinking PC Kelly Jones (pictured below) saved the day by immediately going to the nearest phone box and calling the police.

2002-04-01T10:34:00.000Z

The world's oldest pair of trousers have been uncovered by Tony Robinson and the Time Team team from Channel 4 on a dig in the mudflats of East Anglia. "At first we thought they were Roman," explained the diminutive TV presenter most famously known for playing the smelly and dimwitted Baldrick in Blackadder. "Then on closer examination, having scraped away some of the dirt, we could see that the find was actually of fossilisied wood."

The team concluded that the trousers would have been worn by Wood Age man, who would have lived after Stone Age man, but before Iron Age man. The prehistoric garment would have been made entirely out of wood, and the stiffness and lack of mobility that they allowed the wearer would have explanied why the whole Wood Age period was so very brief.

"They certainly wouldn't have been comfortable trousers," explained the scruffy looking guy with the west country accent and whose name this reporter can't be bothered finding out. "I mean, look at them. They look like a bit of rotten old tree stump, or something."

2002-03-27T11:26:00.000Z

Sweet Stop and Search!

The new government body, BFOSS (Body For Old School Sweets), has now taken drastic action in order to curb sweetie crime. The army (pictured above) are already being trained to help out incase the crimes get worse.

At the time of this report, police will not only be doing stop and searches for guns and drugs, but will have the power to stop and search for Old School Sweets.

Inspector Trebor said that the latest crime wave is taking the nation by storm "It all started when a few people using this here web diary thing started to whitter on about sweets they liked as children. Well, the net community went wild, and suddenly we have all these 30 to 40 year olds going mad for sweets. Shops have been ransacked by a few".

Some of the police task force are not happy about the new stop and search laws "I am not happy and nor is me wife. Suppose I stop someone with some spangles and they do not want to give them up, have you ever been poked in the eye with a packet of spangles? Let me tell you it hurts".

In the Midlands, one shopkeeper is constantly under death threats unless he supplies Palma Violets to his customer.

Police and the BFOSS think that this fad will die a quick death just like the Pogo stick did.

2002-03-26T13:44:00.000Z

The ghost of Fulton Mackay, the strict prison warden from the BBC TV series Porridge, has been sighted haunting furniture retail outlets in Northumbria.

Ronnie Barker, who played Fletcher in the series explains, "He always hated those japanese-style sofa beds, y'know, futons. He thought they should be banned. What it all amounted to was that he was proud of his rather individual Christian name, Fulton, and he'd get really annoyed when people misprounounced it and made him sound like a piece of furniture."

2002-03-12T08:41:00.000Z

Vegas in pants

Vegas wearing a lovely pair of blue pants">

After his recent over exposure, Johnny Vegas seems unable to even go to his local off licence to get supplies without being hounded by fans.

In an effort to solve this problem, he reportedly whilst rather drunk, had a rather fetching pair of blue nylon pants sewn onto his head, and another chin inserted to throw the fans off the scent.

He has now encountered a further problem as he can no longer enter his local off-licence as they find the pants offensive....

2002-03-06T14:10:00.000Z

Where Are They Now?

Danny Baker, the self-satisfied DJ and TV presenter, from whom you simply couldn't escape for love nor money when you turned on your television set just a few years back, has recently been sighted hanging around bird-tables in residential back gardens looking for crusts of bread and scraps of bacon rind with which to feed himself. "They pay me a pittance at Radio Five Live," he explained, adding "Yes, I am still on the air? Don't you tune in? Anyway, I can't stand around here chatting all day, they've just hung up a coconut full of fat at number 17, so I'd better get me skates on before those pesky sparrows get there."

2002-03-01T13:34:00.001Z

It was revealed to the press this afternoon that the art collector and advertiser Charles Saatchi has just paid a cool £25million for Damien Hirst's breakfast leftovers from this morning. The cereal bowl, still with pieces of shredded wheat sticking to the insides, and a plate bearing congealed egg stains and toast crumbs, is said to be just one in a series of performance art pieces by Hirst which will fascinatingly document his life - and in particular what he had for breakfast - on a daily basis. The raving imbecile Saatchi is reportedly "overjoyed" with the purchase of this latest piece of crap.

2002-03-01T13:34:00.000Z

Despite the relaxed attitude to drugs and sex and stuff, it is illegal to eat tulips in Holland. On pain of death.

2002-02-27T15:57:00.000Z

Rest in peace, dear Spike. Without your influence, we wouldn't have such a daft sense of humour. (Which some people might say would be a good thing).

You will be sorely missed.

Love from Gina, xxx

2002-02-27T13:29:00.000Z

Val Droidican
In a stunning revelation today, it was revealed that the popular Irish entertainer Val Doonican is in fact a robot. A spokesman for The Ministry of Cake (Robotics Division) issued a short statement to the press after an unfortunate incident at a charity gala this weekend in which a short circuit caused Mr Doonican - later to be revealed as a mechanoid - to go on a killing spree.

"He wasn't always a robot," explained Julian Battenburg from the Robotics Division of The Ministry of Cake. "The real Val Doonican absconded many years ago half way through the third BBC series of his popular Saturday Night entertainment show, taking an antique rocking chair worth a cool £6 million with him. The BBC couldn't afford to abandon the series on top of having to make up the cost of the pilfered chair which had been hired especially for the programme; it was a very popular TV programme, very high in the ratings, so they decided to continue with a robotic stand-in for Val. Obviously there are very strict Government guidelines on things like the operation of mechanical men, so naturally we at The Ministry of Cake (Robotics Department) were brought in onto the project as advisors."

"No one had noticed that Val was actually a mechanoid, most likely because he spent most his time sitting in his now legendary rocking chair. I don't mean the one that got stolen, obviously. A different one. Anyhoo... the thing that gives most robots away is that it's very difficult to perfect a natural-looking human walk in a mechanical man, so it was really handy having that chair which was already firmly established as Val's trademark. I mean, no one would think it strange for him to do an entire show in the chair. Hell, it was expected of him. People wanted to see that chair; it got nearly as much fan mail as Val himself did. When I say Val, I mean the robot version. The real Val was never seen again. Although we did get a postcard from him one year, saying "Ha Ha! Suckers!", which I thought was a bit rude of him really."

At this point your roving reporter could stand it no longer. I had to find out why The Ministry of Cake were involved, and why indeed there even existed a Robotics Department in that very ministry.

"Well," drawled the minister, "the truth of the matter is that Saturday night TV shows attract an awful lot of viewers. It's crap TV, we know it, but we've got a captive audience. And what do that captive audience do when sat in front of the box? They eat! And what do they eat? Well - all sorts of things - but biscuits and more importantly - cake - are very popular as an accompaniment to a nice cup of tea. Or coffee. So, it's all about selling cakes really. I shouldn't really be telling you all this, but I suppose the truth was bound to come out in the end."

But, robotics?

"Well, those Saturday night shows from over the years... I mean, they were pretty lame. But although the public love these shows with people making such complete arses of themselves, you couldn't pay real entertainers enough money to humiliate themselves in such a disgraceful way. Except Jim Davidson of course, everyone knows he's a complete git. But Bruce Forsyth (a.k.a. R2Forsyth), Jeremy Beadle, Matthew Kelly, Larry Grayson, Noel Edmonds... they're all robots. OK, one or two of them have fallen to pieces now, I'm afraid to say, but we're working on Phase II. I mean, already, we've got the incredible singing robot, Will Young from Pop Idol... Errrk... I have said too much..."

2002-02-27T09:00:00.000Z

The Truth about Mushy Peas

A shocking revelation was made by the minister of peas, Dr Ralph Numbalder, that confirmed what many have suspected for a number of years.

Mushy pea's did derive from a terrible pea crushing accident. The truth has been revealed after some American scientists doing a study of British food fads, threatened to reveal their findings of the pea crushing incident.

The story goes that an old man, not named for legal reasons, was driving a transport truck of peas, when he swerved to avoid hitting a small animal. This caused the lorry to almost overturn and forced all the peas to fall over to one side of the container.

Upon arrival at the superstore, the quality control checker said that they could not accept the peas due to their crushed state.

The lorry driver, not wishing to loose his job, stated that the peas were meant to be "mushed" up as it was a range that was being introduced and that the store had been specifically chosen to launch the product.

The superstore then advertised the "mushed peas" and so the trend began...

2002-02-26T13:47:00.000Z

The Edge in Stuffed Crust Conflict
David Evans a.k.a. The Edge of Irish rock band U2 has begun legal action against Pizza Hut who, he says, are in breach of copyright for the use of his name without his permission on their popular stuffed-crust The Edge pizza range. Pizza Hut say they are disappointed with the guitarist's outlook, and that that they named the pizza after him as a mark of respect. They further went on to add that they cannot afford to give Mr The Edge the kind of royalties that he has quoted for the use of his name, not without increasing the price of each The Edge pizza by £25, which they do not believe would go down very well in the marketplace. They are also concerned about future promotions, such as the proposed Eric Clapton and Brian May pizzas.

2002-02-26T13:31:00.000Z

Sting in Cocoa Shocker
After months of speculation, gossip and rumour, environmentally-aware Geordie rockstar Sting has admitted that he has a cocoa addiction problem. "I can't fight it anymore," he explained. "I'm finding that I need at least mug or two of hot satisfying cocoa to help get me through a gig. Or preferably a mug for each song. Yeah, I know, that's one helluva lot of cocoa I'm getting through; the ethical implications do keep me awake at night I must admit, and my heart goes out to the deprived peasant cocoa pickers in Norway, or wherever it is. I'll make it up to them somehow, I promise. Perhaps, a charity single..."

2002-02-05T14:04:00.000Z

Girls Just Want To Have Fun, Me Hearties!

It is a little known fact, that Cyndi Lauper's hit single "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" was originally entitled "Girls Just Want To Become Pirates And Sail The Seven Seas And Have a Parrot Sitting On Their Shoulder Saying 'Pieces of Eight', And Go Digging Up Buried Treasure And Getting Into Drunken Brawls With Scurvy Dogs, Y'Arrrrrrrrrrrr, Avast Ye, Landlubbers!" but that Cyndi was eventually persuaded to alter the song by the (now late great) Roy Orbison, who said he was concerned that the original might be a commercial disaster.

Cyndi got her own back by travelling into the future in a time machine of her own design, where she heard Roy Orbison singing "I Drove All Night", which she then recorded herself when she had returned to her own time, and released her version of the song before Orbison's, thereby stealing his thunder.

2002-02-01T09:49:00.000Z

The Clawed Revolt.

Crabs all over the beaches in the world are revolting in mass over their side wards walking.

Helgin the giant Hermit crab from Eastbourne has started the revolt after he walked into the path of a giant rock, which then cracked his shell and left him unconscious for hours. By the time Helgin had awoken, he had been washed out by the tide and was most upset.

"People have no idea what it is like", he told me through a crab translating machine,"To have your eyes looking infront of you, but your body walking sideways. I have spoken to an assortment of other crabs, and they all the say the same, why are we like this? I have recommended the action to try to walk forwards to save other crabs from unnecessary premature deaths."

Reports have been flooding in that several crabs have already lost their lives whilst attempting the forward walking. Salmney was killed in such an incident and the young girl involved told me her version of events "I was walking along the sand when I saw the crab infront of me. We made eye contact so i stepped infront of the crab, believing that the crab would side step, just as the crab lunged forward. For a moment I was under the impression that the crab was trying to kill me, but later, on a dream, I realized that the crabs were merely attempting forward walking".

People are being warned to take special care when beach and sand walking as this phenomena spreads through the shores of the land.

2002-01-31T13:41:00.000Z

X-certificate Buns Cause Government Ruckus

An almighty row has broken out between two government sectors. Major Cavendish Philistine of the Department of Toast begins the tale, "We were becoming concerned that certain supermarket chains were not adhering to government guidelines and were putting hot-cross buns on sale too soon before Easter. Indeed, some shops had them on the shelves straight after Christmas, whilst another chain who shall remain nameless seem to offer them the whole year round."

But it seems that The Department of Toast's involvement in this area has put another government body's nose out of joint. "I think you'll find that buns come clearly under the general heading of Cake," we were told by an angry Dr Persephone Spaceshuttle from the Ministry of Cake. "The Department of Toast had no place interfering in this obviously very cake-related area. We had already entered into a contract with the various supermarket chains regarding the eligible dates for supply of hot cross buns. The whole matter is already being monitored, indeed we have set up a government watchdog for that very purpose, although our concerns are very much to the contrary of the restrictive ideas that the Toast Boys are bandying about. We want the stores to sell more hot cross buns, and have been actively encouraging promotion of the said buns throughout the year."

"Cake?" countered Major Philistine. "There is no way that you can call hot cross buns a cake product. They definitely should be filed under the general heading of toast. After all you toast them, do you not? So, it's The Ministry of Cake who are the ones who've been interfering in something that has nothing to do with them. They had absolutely no right to initiate this contract with the supermarkets. I can't believe they had the nerve to think they could do such a thing. Cakes indeed! If you think about it, hot cross buns are nothing more than toasted tea cakes with an 'X' on top. See, Toasted tea cakes. The clue is in the name..."

"A-ha! So you admit it. Now we've caught you out. You said it yourself," replied Dr Spaceshuttle. "Toasted tea Cakes... Ouch!"

At this point in the argument, just as blows were starting to be exchanged, your reporter from The Liar decided it would be a good time to withdraw. However, it is expected that the issue will be raised in Parliament, but it remains to be seen whether Tony Blair is a toast man or a cake man.

2002-01-29T15:36:00.000Z

No more C

In the West Indies, the famous West Indies orchestra, The West Indies Live Band, have now been banned from playing in the key of 'C'.

This stunning and catastrophic rule has come from the conductor himself.
"I have a terrible lisss", he whispered, "and every time I thay thee, the band laugh. Well I am not having it thoo I have banned the word".

2002-01-28T11:16:00.000Z

Giraffes Suffer Philip Schofield Infestation. A herd of giraffes has apparently been infested with Philip Schofield. "I can't understand how we've managed to acquire this infestation - it's not as if we've been anywhere that we might have picked him up, like the BBC, The Metropolitan Line or Jason Donovan's bedroom." Vets from London's Royal Veterinary College are trying to find a cure for the problem, but believe that the only likely cure is Vim.

2002-01-25T20:13:00.000Z

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

2002-01-25T14:50:00.000Z

Former children's TV presenter, baby-faced Philip Schofield is infested with giraffes. "I have to use this special anti-giraffe shampoo twice a day," the would-be but not very talented actor told us. "It's horrible, they get everywhere those giraffes, in your hair, in the small of your back, behind your knees, between your toes... I really don't understand where I picked them up from. I mean, I've not been to Africa, can't remember the last time I went to a zoo, and I positively avoid safari parks after a rather unfortunate incident involving a killer whale and a cheese salad baguette."

2002-01-21T13:56:00.000Z

Monster Mouse

Commuters on the London Underground have over the last month been reporting ever more frequent mouse sightings on the tracks at tube stations. And what's more, the mice appear to be getting bigger and bigger.

"I just couldn't believe my eyes," one frightened commuter told us. "These obese mice were literally rolling towards us as we waited at Leicester Square. They looked exactly like rather large oranges. With legs. Except they weren't orange. So, black oranges with legs, that's what they were like. Uncannily so. It was quite scary - there was panic all along the platform - people screaming and hyserically gibbering in fear. Or that may have been the busker, come to think of it; he wasn't very good. But the mice! We thought they were going to start nibbling our ankles. Luckily we were saved by a Piccadilly Line train pulling into the station."

A spokesman for London Transport told The Liar that "The mice are really quite harmless. They live in the tunnels feeding off old worn-out parts of trains that have fallen off due to all that shaking and rattling that goes on. In a way the mice are a blessing because if they weren't there we'd have to employ people to go into the tunnels and pick up all the worn out bits of train that would be littered about. And that would cause severe delays and then Londoners wouldn't be happy, would they?"

But London's Underground users are still to be convinced, and more recently rumours have been circulating of a mutant super mouse which has been feeding off the electricity in the electric rails and has grown to thirty feet in length. The monster mouse is said to have a lair somewhere in the vicinity of Mornington Crescent, and is believed to devour entire Northern Line trains for breakfast.

2002-01-18T13:52:00.000Z

An uncharacteristically furious Jamie Oliver has complained to his publishers Michael Joseph that his latest recipe book, Happy Days With The Naked Chef, has been printed upside-down. "They've really gone and screwed up the printing malarkey; I just can't believe it. Pukka it most certainly ain't," the normally cheeky chappie told us. "And not only have they gone and printed the entire contents of the book upside down - the words, pictures and everything - they even gone and got the bleedin' cover on the wrong way up too."

A spokesman for Michael Joseph has suggested that Jamie turn the book the other way up.

2002-01-18T10:50:00.000Z

Oranges must only be peeled within the confines of your own house if you live in Eastern Russia.

Anyone caught peeling an orange in public will be banned from ornage peeling for 5 years.

2002-01-17T15:16:00.000Z

Red sandals are banned from 14th January 2002 in India.
All other colours are acceptable.

2002-01-14T12:15:00.000Z

Ex Genesis singer and champion of world music Peter Gabriel cannot pronounce the word stethoscope. "I just can't get my tongue around it," he told us, yesterday. "I try breaking it up into its component syllables, and I can manage that OK, but put them together and I make a right mess of it. Stefff...stethothescoth... scethoscothhhosope... It's useless, I just can't say it. Which was the main reason I never became a doctor. That, and the fact that I had no interest in medicine."

2002-01-14T10:03:00.000Z

Sore Sole

In the town of Kurdzhali, Bulgaria, the wearing of shoes has now been made an official crime, punishable by public humiliation.

The Bulgarians have decided to ban shoes as the hospitals are overwhelmed by accidents relating to "unsuitable sole slippage" in the ice and snow.

The Minister of Shoes, Edvard Lacenhunger, is said to be outraged by the decision. "if they have banned shoes, what will people wear on their feet?? The suggestion of using bananas is mad as we do not have enough bananas' to cope. If the hospitals think there are busy now, wait until the road burn starts to take effect."

The man in charge of banning shoes was unavailable for comment.

2002-01-13T21:14:00.000Z

Nick Berry, who used to play the rather simple-looking copper in Heartbeat, and before that Wiscky in Eastenders, has a phobia of taking baths. The phobia dates back to a childhood encounter with a jellyfish whilst paddling at the seaside, an experience from which Berry never recovered. "He used to have to wash himself in a rather special way," remembered Letitia Dean who plays Eastenders' Sharon, "and he'd use this baby oil. He was really slippery like, like a little greased monkey, he was."

2002-01-13T21:12:00.000Z

Mona Lisa upside down
The world's most famous painting, Leonardo DaVinci's Mona Lisa, which resides in the Louvre in Paris, has been hung upside down all these years, it was revealed today from a source within DaVinci's estate. "Leonardo always intended that the woman in the painting was in fact sitting on the ceiling and should be viewed as such," an expert told us. "Why do you think she's got that stupid smirk on her face? She's looking smug, as if to say 'Ha! Look at me, I'm defying gravity... I'm sitting on the ceiling!' Obviously her hair must've been glued down, otherwise it'd be falling all over the place. That goes without saying."

We, at The Liar would like to see the Mona Lisa hung the right way up, i.e. upside down as Leonardo had intended, and are starting a petition that we will forward to The Louvre. Please sign up by leaving your details in the comments below.

2002-01-13T21:11:00.000Z

Iced-buns can be used as a handy alternative to mobile phones, it was announced yesterday by The Ministry of Cake. "There is absolutely no reason why people shouldn't sit on trains holding an iced-bun up to their ear and talking loudly into it and pissing off the other passengers," a minister with special responsibility for buns told us. "And, of course, it can double as a tasty snack too. Try that with your mobile phone, and you'll most likely break you teeth."

2002-01-10T16:44:00.000Z

All I got for Christmas was this lousy flower press, by Fools and Horses Rodney

In a shock statement at a press conference earlier today, Nicholas Lyndhurst, the dim-witted Rodney of TV's Only Fools And Horses, announced that all he got for Christmas was "a lousy flower press".

"At first I thought it was some kind of cookery gadget, so I was out in the kitchen with it making a right old mess with the self-raising, " he explained. "I couldn't really see the point in pressing flour, I mean, I wouldn't have thought you could get the particles much smaller. So I rang David Jason and he came over and said 'Rodney, you plonker, it's a f-l-o-w-e-r press, not a flour press.' Of course, I knew that all along, I was only doing it to wind him up."

"So, I had a go at pressing a couple of flowers. Well, not flowers exactly, as it's the wrong time of year, so I had to make do with a couple of weeds from the garden. So, I've got a squashed dandelion and a splattered thistle. Oh, and I tried a banana skin as well for good measure. That looked pretty messy, actually. Not the sort of thing you'd really want to mount on a nice bit of card and stick in a frame on the wall."

"I tried some of the Christmas left-overs too: pressed hazelnuts, brussel sprouts, those Quality Street toffees that no-one likes, dates, a bit of Christmas pud ... the results were a bit messy, but the wrappers on the toffees were nice pretty colours. I might frame some of those. Oh, and the pressed turkey leftovers are good for making up sandwiches, I suppose, so it's not all bad."

2002-01-08T09:37:00.000Z

Yellow but HappyThe ex-Blue Peter presenter, Peter Duncan, has finally come out of hiding after years to give me this exclusive story as to where he has been.

In a secret location in east London, we meet for a coffee and I asked him where he had disappeared to for the last ten years. His story follows

"Well I was running the 19991 London marathon with John Leslie, my fifth marathon, when we passed some women handing out, what I thought were drinks. Anyhow, I grabbed what i thought was a drink, which infact turned out to be a small bowl with a handy plastic spoon in.

I took a mouthful of the food and have never really been the same since, you see, the bowl contained rhubarb crumble with a small amount of ambrosia custard on it. After the marathon I would lie awake for hours trying to get the taste out of my mind.

In the end I could not fight it any longer and started living on a diet of crumble and custard. That was all i would eat, and the inevitable happened, I turned yellow and crumbley.

I have been in counseling for 3 years and have finally got down to 3 helpings per week, and feel ready to face the world again. I have rejected work offers to sit in a bath of cold custard for 24 hours for charity though, as I do not feel as though I could trust myself."

2002-01-07T20:39:00.000Z

Puffin-smuggling Celia under sentence of death

Actress and comedienne Celia Imrie has been sentenced to death, under an antiquated law on the Orkney Islands, for puffin smuggling. It is believed that the actress was so taken with having a bird perched on her shoulder after acting with Master Chalk the albino crow in the BBC's adaptation of Mervyn Peake's classic fantasy novel Gormenghast, that she decided she wanted a bird of her own, and decided upon getting herself a pet puffin because they looked cute. However, she soon discovered that she was addicted to puffins, and she began holidaying frequently on various puffin-inhabited islands around the British isles, and with each visit she would smuggle a suitcase of the birds home with her afterwards.

However her machievellian puffin smuggling ways came to a sorry end when she reached the Orkney Islands, the local shopkeeper becoming suspicious when Imrie tried to purchase 116 packets of fish-fingers. A police raid on her holiday home revealed that the house was entirely filled with the comical looking birds.

2002-01-06T21:30:00.000Z

Recent top stories

Windy Pants

France evicts sheep

Jamie tops best Brickie's Mate poll

Les Dennis opens restuarant for sheep

Fern and John: Unrest on the couch

Bowl of breakfast cereal named after Bergerac star

Gerri Halliwell denies engagement to bin Laden

Hotel Collapse Causes Calendar Chaos

Former Blue Peter Presenter hoses down the llamas

Corrie's Percy Sugden to return as two-headed space alien

Belinda Carlisle doesn't like peas

Rod Stewart's snow museum

Disney to introduce skunks and racoons to United Kingdom

New Year's Day Not January 1st

2002-01-06T21:07:00.000Z

Windy Pants.

Health Authorities in Wales have been pushed to almost breaking point over the last few days, caused by an influx of patients to the A and E departments, suffering with TPS (Tight Pant Syndrome).

A small lingerie shop in Wales, Pants and That, have been selling pants that guarantee to flatten your stomach in any outfit, and have boasted record high sales prior to New Years Eve. Unfortunately these pants have an undesired side effect.

Dr Thurmanlong explains that "The pants are so tight on the stomach area, that when a person in them eats or drinks, the pants restrict the natural movement in the stomach. This causes the digestive system to break down, food and liquid then congeals to form a vacuum in the stomach. This in turns causes extreme and painful wind, often leaving pant wearers thinking that they have something rather sinister wrong, rather than just in need of a good release of flatulence."

The owner of Pants and That was questioned and issued the following statement " I cannot be held responsible for the wind problem currently in Wales. Most people will go to any lengths to look fantastic, and most agree that a sharp bout of wind is a small price to pay to wear a gorgeous outfit. Most of my customers are more embarrassed by the escape of air in public, than anything else. I will continue to sell the pants, but will warm potential buyers of the wind factor."

I was unable to interview any suffers at the hospital as they were all too embarrassed to admit that they had been rushed into hospital with wind.

2002-01-05T09:33:00.000Z

The Department of Transport has announced that all car parking in England and Scotland is free today. Motorists do not have to 'pay', nor do they have to 'display'. In addition, all parking meters have been suspended and all double yellow lines may be ignored today.
In what some commentators are describing as grotesque prejudice, the population of Wales have been excluded from this scheme.

2002-01-05T09:27:00.000Z

Anti-freeze for car radiators can make a healthy alternative to booze at your next social gathering. Cheaper than 'shop bought' alcoholic beverages, many of London's top night spots now serve anti-freeze to the capital's smart set.
A spokesman for Halfords said, "This is extremely irresponsible, and total clap-trap"

2002-01-05T09:21:00.000Z

Cheery pop vocalist Robbie Williams is to record a tribute album, dedicated to the songs of The Police. Containing hits like 'Don't Stand So Close To Me', 'Roxanne' and 'Message In A Bottle, the album promises to be a huge success.
"Sting When You're Grinning" will be released on April 1st.

2002-01-04T14:36:00.000Z

Off Ewe Geau
Outcry as France sends sheep packing

Sheep being evicted from France, yesterday
The people of France have decided that enough is enough and that all sheep within its borders must go. "We have had enough of these freeloading sheep living off the state and eating our delicious grass," said a random french person in a ridiculously fake-sounding french accent yesterday.

A spokes-ram for the soon-to-be-exiled sheep commented that "Well, we're not staying where we're not wanted. We're bloody going, mate. We're going to give Spain a wide berth though; they'll most likely introduce sheep-fighting as I hear there's something of a bull shortage at the moment, so it could be dodgy. Nah, we're off to Italy... much cooler place, much more laid back. We're going to ride around on scooters and hang out in all the trendiest places. And eat pizza. Ciao!"

2002-01-04T14:01:00.000Z

Electro-popsters Depeche Mode are planning to visit Amsterdam soon for the start of Spring. But not to worry, singer David Gahan is not planning another drug-fuelled binge of excess, sex and craziness. Instead, using the very latest in digital technology and state-of-the-art recording equipment, the lads from Basildon plan to record the famous tulips as they actually grow. Knob-twiddler Andrew Fletcher explains, "We're going to sample to sounds that the tulips actually make as they grow. And then we've got a choice: We could speed up these sounds, as obviously the flowers grow quite slowly, and use them as the basis for a new album. Or else we could record a really long album. We've not decided yet."

2002-01-04T12:19:00.000Z

Orange Squeezing.

Slavicknob Fladderick is offering a unique service to fellow Russians this new year.

He is supplying fresh orange juice to those affected by food wars, and who have never had the opportunity to taste this before.

The participant simply has to hold a glass in between Slavicknob's legs whilst he gently squeezes the oranges in his thighs. Unfortunately, all the sex starved women in Russia have been hearing of this mans mighty thighs, and the local police were called in to carry out crowd control as things got alittle out of hand yesterday.

Slavicknob said that he will not be deterred and will continue to squeeze.

2002-01-03T14:05:00.000Z

Jamie tops best Brickie's Mate poll
Naked Chef Jamie Oliver has been voted the top celebrity people would like to have help them build a brick wall, but Britney Spears and Cher were seen as most people's idea of a brickie's mate from hell.

"I reckon Jamie would be the ideal brickie's mate," a man in the street told us earlier today. "He'd be on hand to go fetch the tea, and make sandwiches, and I bet he'd be dead good at mixing cement. And he'd be saying 'what's all this wall malarkey?' and 'you muppet' and all the cockney lingo and that, and it'd be a great laugh."

However the suggestion of Britney and Cher as Brickie's mates caused howls of derision.

"Britney? You gotta be joking. She's far too much of a primadonna, she'd be no use. And if she did actually lift a finger, she'd most likely set all the bricks down wonky-like, and then she'd giggle 'Oops, I did it again'. She'd be unbearable. And as for Cher, you couldn't trust her. She'd be running off with the cement trowel looking for a plastic surgeon."

2002-01-03T13:33:00.000Z

Les appeals to the needs of gourmet sheep
Entertainer and impressionist Les Dennis in a shock announcement today has announced that he is to leave showbusiness. "I want to devote myself completely, a full 100%, to my other business," he explained, "which is running a Sheep restaurant in Hartlepool."

Les's restauarant was the first of its kind, fulfilling - as he sees it - a gap in the market. "I was always astounded by the lack of good quality eating establishments for sheep. Come to think of it, I don't believe there were even any bad quality establishments of this sort. The ovine community was being poorly represented in this whole area, so I decided that I wasn't going to sit back and let this sorry state of affairs continue."

Mr Dennis's restaurant boasts a menu featuring over 400 varieties of grass, and, says Les, coach parties are welcome if they book in advance. (Sheep only. Lambs welcome. No goats.) See local press for details.

2002-01-03T12:27:00.000Z

Feta makes your Better.
Swedish man Hubert Gorgonknocker has made an amazing discovery whilst attempting to raise money for charity.

Hubert smothered his body in Feta cheese and lay on a rubber lilo for 24 hours to raise money for the charity "light bulbs for the poor".

Once he had completed the 24 hours, he started to remove the cheese and noticed how soft and clean his skin was underneath the cheese. He then ran naked to his best friend and brother, both of who had a good rub on his new silky smooth skin, and agreed he was indeed the softest man ever.

Hubert wife said that she was impressed with his baby soft skin, but wished that her husband would stop offering free rubs to all and sundry.

2002-01-03T12:02:00.000Z

Eastenders Star to present Film 2002
The BBC have a new presenter in mind, arguably the best-loved actor in the hit soap Eastenders, to take over from Jonathan Ross on the movie review show Film 2002 (formerly Film 2001, Film 2000, Film 99, Film 98, etc).

Subject to agreement, as of next month we could well be seeing Wellard (Robbie's dog) hosting the programme. Whether or not he will be a presenter of the calibre of Barry Norman, who presented the show from 1873 right through to 1998 when Jonathan Ross took over, remains to be seen.

2002-01-02T20:20:00.000Z

Unrest on the couch.

NEWSFLASH.... It has been exclusively reported that a rift bigger than the cushions themselves, is being caused on the early morning sofa between Fern and John, the morning favourites since Richard and Judy left.

Just prior to Christmas the ITV1 telephone lines were bombarded with calls complaining that John never appeared to be "really with it" or awake in the first hour of the morning shows.

In a desperate effort to keep the fans happy, the production crew came up with a cunning plan. Now, whilst John is having his make up done, Fern bursts into the same room to get her layers applied. John was quoted as saying "the very sight of her first thing is enough to wake anyone up, but all my karma is in a whirl and the shock is just too much on a daily basis".

Ferns agents issued a statement by the star "Well, he is no oil painting before all his foundation goes on you know. Some mornings he doesn't even speak, he just groans".

It has been reported that the production crew are now attempting to make an invisible screen to go between the feuding pair on the couch.

Johns agent released this statement moments ago "I told him that the Wheel of Fortune was dodgy, but at least he had top totty on that show".

2002-01-02T13:35:00.000Z

Curly-haired Jonathan Creek actor Alan Davies has only just mastered the art of walking backwards. "I've been trying to learn for years," he told us in an accidental interview in which he thought we were from the Radio Times. "Now, I can do all those crazy walking backwards stunts, like stepping back in amazement, y'know, in mock surprise... that kind of thing. And when I next go ice-skating I'm going to have a go at that skating backwards with me bum sticking out thing that's so popular."

2002-01-02T13:17:00.000Z

Former Bergerac star John Nettles has the distinction of being the only celebrity to have had a bowl of Weetabix named after him. "It really is an honour," said the actor yesterday in a ceremony at St Helier in Jersey, "I can't begin to tell you how much this means to me."

The bowl of Weetabix can currently be seen at the museum in St Helier, and as of next month it will be making a tour of the UK's art galleries and exhibition centres. See local press for details.

2002-01-02T13:03:00.000Z

The orange-tailed hook-billed cockatoo of Fiji is the only bird outside of captivity that exists solely on a diet of pancakes. These wily birds steal all the necessary ingredients, mix them together with their clawed feet, and then they fry the pancakes in the sun on the shells of basking turtles.

2002-01-02T12:53:00.000Z

In a spookily weird coincidence, twelve-year old Aleksander Chernyshev from Smolensk, a town to the west of Moscow, was playing in the street with a deflated toy balloon and a dead grasshopper when he became aware of a small object rapidly moving towards him. Picking it up he discovered it to be a clockwork mouse, and taped to its back was a note from his cousin Natascha, who lives over 75,000 miles away in the town of Blagoveshchensk. It is believed that the clockwork toy had travelled the entire distance uninterrupted. In her note, Natascha, 9, had explained that before setting the mouse off on its way, she had been winding its key continuously for thirteen weeks. It is a tribute to Russian engineering that the spring in the toy mouse was able to withstand such punishment.

2002-01-01T16:57:00.000Z

Happy New Year from The Liar
Following yesterday's freak disaster in which all the world's chronologists and calendarists were tragically killed, and in the ensuing chaos that this has inevitably brought upon us, we would like to wish you a very good, happy and prosperous 1939.

2001-12-31T23:36:00.000Z

Geri Halliwel has moved to quash rumours that she intends to marry Osama bin Laden. In a statement, her publcist Max Clifford told The Liar that 'The recent video showing the immobilisation of Osama bin Laden's right hand hand is not in any way connected to any photographs or letters my client may have sent, nor should this be taken as a signal of any romantic connection between them.' In a later statement however, Ms. Halliwell stated that she does not wish this to be taken as a perjorative statement against non-terrorist beardy blokes, especially David Bellamy who she really fancies.

2001-12-31T20:41:00.000Z

Hotel Collapse Kills Chronologists and Calendarists
In a freak disaster this afternoon, all the delegates at a hastily convened joint meeting of the World Conference of Chronologists and the International Association of Calendarists have died. It is believed that all of the chronologists and calendarists in the whole world were present, and that there are no survivors. A UN spoeksperson on the scene, Mr CIA Crewcut, siad "This is a freak disaster. There have been false reports made by members of the public suggesting that there was a loud explosion just before the hotel collapsed. This is plainly untrue. There is no linkage whatsoever between the events today, and the press release a few days back saying that January 1st is not New Years' Day".

2001-12-30T17:13:00.000Z

Where are they now?
John Noakes, the beloved former Blue Peter presenter famous for his catchphrase "Get down, Shep!", can frequently be seen at Dudley Zoo, hosing down the llamas.

"We've asked him to stop", said the Director of the zoo, "I mean, it's not even as if he's employed here. But he keeps turning up with his hose and will insist on giving the llamas a bloody good drenching."

Mr Noakes is quoted as having said, "Those llamas... Have you smelt them?"

2001-12-30T12:37:00.000Z

Geordie duo to join Coronation Street castIn a bold move, Granada - the makers of the popular television soap series Coronation Street, have decided to bring back a much-loved character from the show's history in an attempt to boost ratings and win back viewers from BBC1's Eastenders.

So, in early 2002, the character of Percy Sugden will be returning to the street. The community hall caretaker Percy, formerly portrayed by veteran actor the late Bill Waddington, was famously known for being a cantankerous old git and a general busybody.

Percy's return to the street, will see him played by Ant and Dec, who will portray the character in an entirely new light. "You can't follow what dear ol' Bill did with the character," explained Dec, "so, we're not going to try to copy him at all. We're going to play Percy in our own special way."

"Indeed," added Ant, "we're going to play him as a two-headed space alien. He will have access to a space-time machine which is situated in the snug of the Rover's Return, and will be accompanied by various members of the Coronation Street cast on adventures on alien planets, battling against monsters and hideous space lizards."

"...and robots." chipped in Dec.

2001-12-29T16:36:00.000Z

In an exclusive interview with Belinda Carlisle, the sultry singer and one-time member of all girl band The Go Go's, she revealed exclusively to us at The Liar that she doesn't like peas. "I just can't abide them," she said. "They make me want to puke."

2001-12-29T16:29:00.000Z

Rock'n'roll pensioner Rod Stewart just loves this time of year. "I collect snow," he told us, "so whenever it starts snowing I'm out the back with jam jars and thermos flasks trying to catch as much of it as possible. And if we're lucky enough to have the snow actually settle on the ground I just shovel it straight into the deep freeze, which is on casters so I can wheel it outside in such an event."

Stewart has jars of snow from all around the world in his collection. "Fans send me the stuff. I've got snow from the French Alps, Switzerland, Canada, Norway, Austria, the Antarctic, USA... oh... all over the place. I'm really surprised but at the same time humbled at the length that some of my fans will go to. To have snow sent overseas in a temperature-controlled container doesn't come cheaply you know. Still, it's allowed me to create this wonderful snow museum. And I've also got this entire room full of snow in my luxury mansion. It's great for, y'know, building snowmen and having snowball fights with the wife an' that."

"My ambition is to have my own ski-slope... not one of these fake so-called 'dry-slopes', but one made completely of real snow. I think it'll have to most likely be indoors so that we can control the temperature to stop the snow melting. But yeah, that's what I was aiming for. I was talking to Ronnie Wood the other day, and he reckons that I should go for the entire tobogan run, but then he always was a bit of a lad for the old sledge, and I suppose he's just going for bigger and bigger thrills."

2001-12-29T11:54:00.000Z

The Disney Corporation has agreed to make amends following the blatant errors in the live action version of the movie 101 Dalmatians. "Despite the fact that the movie was released five years ago," a Disney spokesmouse told us, "we have been receiving upto 200 letters of complaint daily about the inaccuracies contained within the movie. The nature of these complaints is concerning the wildlife of the United Kingdom. It seems that there are no racoons or skunks living in the wild in Britain, despite our portrayal of such creatures in the film."

"Most of these complaints have been sent from one Brian Anchovy, who argues that the out of place racoons are simply not funny. He suggests a greater role for the native badger, of which he has written at great length, telling us that not only is it not the same as the American badger, but that it is infinitely more amusing."

So, just how do Disney plan on correcting the errors concering the fauna of the United Kingdom?

"Well, obviously a re-shoot is going to be out of the question," we were told. "What we are going to do instead, is to introduce racoons and skunks to the countryside of Britain, thereby making the film accurate."

The first tanker load of 10,000,000 skunks is already on its way, with the second tanker containing racoons expected by early February.

2001-12-28T18:37:00.000Z

New Year's Day Not January 1st. The World Conference of Chronologists and the International Association of Calendarists yesterday made a joint announcement to the World Press. "Following information received several years ago, we investigated claims that we have got the date of New Years' Day wrong. After extensive research, we have found, much to our own shock and dismay, that the claim is indeed correct. New Years' Day is not in fact on January 1st as we have always believed, but is really the 4th of August. We are in the process of amending all the diaries and calendars throughout the world to reflect this." A spokesperson for the United Nations is reported to have been heard saying to a group of businessmen in a Manhattan bar "Don't worry - we've put a gag on the press to stop them reporting this. Nobody will ever know that we've f****d up for all these years. The CIA are rounding up all of those pillock Calendarists and Chronogol...chronostic.... whotsits and they'll never talk again."

2001-12-24T10:08:00.000Z

In a surprise statement earlier today, Santa Claus a.k.a. Father Christmas, has announced that he "...really can't be arsed this year. I'm going to stay in on Christmas Eve, have a few drinks and watch the telly for a change." When asked what all the children would do without their presents, he added, "...blowed if I know. Let 'em go play with a box of matches. Or something. Look lady, I dunno why you're talking to me anyway, I'm not real, y'know."

And you know what, folks? He's right!
(There's a first... something TRUE on The Liar)

2001-12-24T09:27:00.000Z

Ban on the tinned beef

Anyone caught eating tinned corned beef on christmas day will be beaten with an old shoelace by the tinned food minister, Miss Yackershack.

2001-12-23T09:05:00.000Z

In 1974, the day after Christmas Day was named Boxing Day by the United Nations, to commemorate the 'Rumble In The Jungle' World Heavyweight title bout, between Muhammed Ali and Smokin' Joe Frazier.

2001-12-22T13:53:00.000Z

In its first major piece of research since its takeover by News International, the British Medical Council announced yesterday that there is a strong causal link between reading books and cancer. A spokesman added 'we suspect this happens because, although the high radioactive content of long words and sentences has a tendency to be absorbed by pictures, in big books with long words and no pictures this cannot happen. These kind of books are very dangerous.' In a statement yesterday, Tony Blair said he was taking the report 'very seriously.'

2001-12-21T14:44:00.000Z

"Church is simply not funny any more", says Mr Brian Anchovy of Kidderminster. "All that monotonous gloomy dirge-like singing. And those women in big white dresses and veils who start crying when someone tries to jolly things along a bit. I mean, when the vicar asked if anyone knows of any reason why this couple, blah blah blah something, holy matrimony... well... I ask you! Some people just can't take a joke."

"Still it could be worse. Mausoleums are awful places. Totally devoid of humour. Once again, there I was, putting me best foot forward, looking on the bright side of life and all that. I mean, all I did was an impression of Bruce Forsyth, y'know, the old conveyor belt gag... Alright my love, keep remembering, and everything you can name that you saw on the old conveyor belt tonight you can take home with you. You've got sixty seconds..."

"OK, so I'm not the best impressionist, although I do a cracking Frank Spencer. But still, it was no reason for the police to get involved."

2001-12-21T14:36:00.000Z

Jamie Oliver has been caught out by a nosy neighbour. Harry Pottingshed, 59, has been observing the famous TV chef and Sainsbury's mascot using a pair of high powered binoculars. "It's an activity that I enjoy," explained Mr Pottingshed, "and it keeps me out of the wife's way. I've been observing Mr Oliver for close on two years now, and I've found out his little secret. All those trips out to the garden. What he does is he picks dandelion leaves, and dock leaves, and stinging nettles. Passes them off as herbs in his cookery programme. It's just a load of old weeds."

2001-12-21T14:14:00.000Z

Toads in Socks

It has now been confirmed that there have now been several sightings of Toads in socks at the Toad Sanctuary in Wiltshire.

Dr Flockpop, an expert in Toad behaviours, has suggested that the abnormal behaviour has been bought about by the cold snap.

Toad enthusiasts are now blocking the main road into the sanctuary trying to get a photo of this unusual event.

2001-12-20T16:32:00.000Z

"Tinned carrots just aren't funny," bemoans self proclaimed Emperor of Mirth, Mr Brian Anchovy of Kidderminster. "I was in Sainsbury's only this last Tuesday, in the tinned veg aisle. You know what? I stood there for three quarters of an hour watching those tinned carrots. They didn't make me laugh even once. So, what I did then was to attach little bow ties and party hats to the tins, and I hung up a few streamers, y'know, really hilarious rib-tickling stuff. Well, it would have been in any other circumstances... but not in this instance. I didn't hear a titter nor a smirk from any of the other customers in the shop, and to be quite honest, those tinned carrots looking all festive like, didn't even raise a smile from Yours Truly. I just can't work with poor material like this. As I said to the security guard as he led me outside, tinned carrots just ain't funny."