The Liar

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The Liar. It's quite splendid. Honest, guvnor.     The Liar

Friday, August 09, 2002
Did you know?...

* Bears in Glasses

Bears in glasses

3 rare polar bears were rescued and bought over to the UK 3 weeks ago after they found in a mans back garden in Poland, with him claiming the polar bears were pets.

Rupert Herdwink, the man responsible for the bears rescue, said that he was very happy to have the bears in this country, but there was a problem with them being here. "The bears are used to looking at snow on the ground, and upon entering this country, it was discovered that the bears could not see in our British daylight".

Rupert contacted various vets and specialists before Sidney Fallpasser, a trainee vet in exotic mammals came up with this solution to "provide the bears with protection sunglasses allowing them to see in this country. The lens colour can then be slowly lightened over time thus gradually adjusting the bears eyes gently to our bright daylight".

Rupert Herdwink said that he must have been one of the only people that was glad that this summer has been so short "Due to the lack of continual sunshine, there has been a mountain of unused sunglasses. This has helped our cause as manufacturers have donated glasses to us to help the polar bears. We have allowed the names of the companies to advertise on the info cards for the bears. It really is handy as the glasses fall off so the bears get through several if not more, pairs a day. It is nice to know that we have all these glasses for free else it would cost us a small fortune."

It is anticipated that, providing there is no more days of bright sunshine, that the bears will be free of their glasses by October.

posted by Karen 9:37 AM [edit] 

Wednesday, July 31, 2002
Did you know?...

*

Nimoy: I was a Supreme

Spock and the Supremes
Actor Leonard Nimoy, best known to generations of Science Fiction fans as Spock the highly logical pointy-eared Vulcan from Star Trek, has shocked the entertainment world this morning after revelations that he is suing legendary Motown chanteuse Diana Ross. Nimoy is angered that Ross is earning millions from back sales of records by The Supremes and that he hasn't seen a cent of the royalties. "It is a little known fact, and is often overlooked, but I was in The Supremes in the early days, just before the opening on Star Trek came along. I just want what's coming to me. Diana is getting far too greedy these days, and she should remember those of us who were there at the beginning and who helped her on her way up to the top."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 3:20 PM [edit] 

* STOP PRESS
Reports are just now coming in that Tom Selleck has invaded Poland, in what eyewitnesses are describing as a "loud and offensive shirt". The international community spearheaded by President Bush and Tony Blair have called an emergency meeting of heads of state. It is not yet known what action will be taken against Mr Selleck, star of TV's Magnum, but early reports state that we cannot rule out the possibility of air strikes against him.

Insider sources tell us that Mr Selleck was admonished and "severely warned" following the Three Men and a Baby fiasco along with his co-conspirators Steve Guttenberg and Ted Danson. The actor was advised that he must act peacably, and that if he ever tried anything dodgy again, he'd have the rest of the civilised world to answer to.
posted by Eric 2:42 PM [edit] 

Wednesday, July 03, 2002
Did you know?...

*

Boredom in Penguins: A Real-Life 21st Century Crisis

Penguins, bored and fed-up despite having just built a snow penguin
A wildlife report has today revealed that penguins, which inhabit some of the coldest most inhospitable regions of our planet, are becoming increasingly more and more bored by the minute. Penguins in Antartica have already been observed building snow penguins for entertainment. Plans are already afoot to drop supplies of board games, toys and crossword puzzle books by Christmas, but P.E.C.K. - the Penguin Entertainment Crisis Kommittee - insist that this is not soon enough, and that if we don't send out some decent stuff, such as Nintendos, Game Boys and perhaps the odd Tracy Island set for the occassional nostalgic penguin, then the comical looking birds may very well give up on us altogether and take flight for their home planet. Or something.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 6:06 PM [edit] 

Wednesday, June 26, 2002
Did you know?...

*

HEN-MAN is Evil!

HEN-MAN is very clearly an EVIL being!
Britain's leading light on the tennis court, Tim Henman, may be asked to withdraw from this year's Wimbledon tournament, as it has been revealed that he is actually a powerful malevolent being from another dimension answering to the name of HEN-MAN.

Religious leaders from around the UK have been appealing to the Lawn Tennis Association for the immediate suspension of Henman from this and all future events.

Lleyton Hewitt being levitated in the air, an effect caused by HEN-MAN's evil black magic powers"His is an evil un-Godly presence," the Archbishop of Canterbury told the World's Press today in an official statement. "He uses his otherworldly powers of evil against his sporting opponents. For example, at the recent Indian Wells Masters tournament in March, HEN-MAN used a black magic spell on his opponent Lleyton Hewitt, causing him to levitate in the air." (see photo, right).

It has even been suggested that HEN-MAN - who can take the form of a giant man-chicken at will - has been prowling the Earth through eternity. Back in the 1960s his evil schemes very nearly came to demonic fruition whilst embodied in an earlier incarnation as Jimi HEN-drix, who delighted in spreading his evil amongst unwitting followers through the media of psychedelic music. HEN-drix, like HEN-MAN, had his magic staff - his talisman of power - which took the form of a Fender Stratocaster guitar. HEN-MAN's Slavenger tennis racket is believed to be this same magic staff which has been sent through time when - as HEN-drix - he performed the "guitar sacrifice" with a bottle of lighter fluid and a box of matches at the Monterey Pop Festival in 1967.

Meanwhile, Lawn Tennis Association officials are locked in debate trying to come up with a solution to this problem.

Cliff Richard is said to be "devastated".
posted by Gina Snowdoll 12:08 PM [edit] 

Tuesday, June 25, 2002
Did you know?...

* New Sun block Laws

Don't burn baby!


The Government has rushed through a white paper and with effect from Tuesday 25th June 2002, sunbathing without adequate protection approved by the government, will be a punishable crime.

Professor Lilwhite has confirmed that most people ignore the risks from sunbathing, and as a desperate measure to cut costs on the NHS, sunbathing is banned in the UK unless the approved protection is used.

The University of Anti Sun Burn and Harmful Damage to Skin (UASBHDS) has developed this face protector for the bargain price of £15. It provides 100% sun blockage and guarantees no need for after sun and has a government seal of approval.

The bad news is that they have not designed it for the rest of the body, so you will have to wear your trousers and long sleeved tops, as if you get caught semi or naked in the sun, you will be confined to a prison cell until the sun goes.

Major superstores have been in uproar after most of them bought sun creams in bulk for the buy one get free promotion. A spokesman for Superdrug has asked Tony Blair what they are supposed to do with all their sun creams. It was suggested that they may wish to ship it another country that does not have this new law.

The reply is unprintable.

posted by Karen 10:59 AM [edit] 

Friday, June 14, 2002
Did you know?...

* The Sun's front page, today

Kermit The Frog Stole My Sandwiches, claims Blair

The PM has been left fuming following the head muppet's antics at 10 Downing Street yesterday. "It wasn't even as if he had an appointment," Mr Blair told an astonished House of Commons. "He just stolled in, bold as brass, went straight to the fridge and made it away with my cheese and marmite."

Outside Parliament, a Labour Party spokesperson told the gathering press that the Prime Minister was "absolutely furious" and had to "send out for a packet of crisps and a Mars bar", having "refused John Prescott's offer of a bite from his pork pie".

Meanwhile there has been much frenzied speculation about how the Government will respond to this outrageous piece of liberty-taking. The Times has suggested that one likely outcome may be that Britain will boycott The Muppet Show, and place sanctions on any related series such as Sesame Street, whilst The Sun fears the worst, their front page advocating that we "NUKE THE LITTLE GREEN BASTARD".
posted by Gina Snowdoll 12:32 PM [edit] 

* Anneka on her whelk counting challenge, yesterday

Where Are They Now? Anneka Rice

The question on everybody's lips these days, of course, is "Whatever happened to Anneka Rice, she of Treasure Hunt and Challenge Anneka fame?" Well, we at The Liar have some insider info on this very topic. Knowing how Anneka enjoyed getting to grips with a good challenge, several years ago we challenged her to find out how many whelks there were around the rocky coasts of the British Isles.

We thought she'd just ask a few people here and there, make a few enquiries, a few calculations, some educated estimates, and come back to us within the week, but Oh No! This was Anneka we were dealing with, and not someone to do things by half measures. She only decided that she'd go off and count every single bloody one herself, and has made it her life mission to count the total number of whelks around the British Isles and - as far as we know - has been at it, clambering over dangerous rocky outcrops and risking life and limb, ever since!
posted by Gina Snowdoll 12:17 PM [edit] 

* STOP PRESS... News is just reaching us that the popular comedian and television presenter, Jim Davidson's buttocks have exploded in a freak gooseberry picking accident in Yorkshire this morning.

Rest assred that we at The Liar will be covering this story in much more depth as and when the details are released.

Well, maybe.

If we can be arsed.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 12:16 PM [edit] 

Wednesday, June 05, 2002
Did you know?...

* Madge and Badge

Madge 'n' Badge

Madonna has outraged nature lovers by adopting a badger, which she takes everywhere with her on a leash.

"The badger is a protected species in Britain, and it is illegal to take one into your home and make it your pet," explained Cuthbert Periwinkle, President of the Badgers Are People Too League. "These celebrities think they can just swan in from America, buy up all our best properties in Kensington - which incidentally would make a fabulous badger reserve if properly managed - and if that weren't enough they think they can ignore the laws of the land and influence our wildlife, teaching them to perform tricks for a handful of food or perhaps an autograph or two..."

"It's preposterous," he added.

Madonna, who is reported to have adopted the badger - which acts as her personal bodyguard - after an unfortunate incident in which she was attacked by otters, declined to comment.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 12:27 PM [edit] 

Tuesday, June 04, 2002
Did you know?...

*

Kylie in Freak Microwave Oven Accident

The Pocket-sized Antipodean Poppet (PAP for short) Kylie Minogue has tonight issued a statement to the press to the effect that despite her accident this weekend involving a microwave oven, she is fit and well, and expects to be wiggling her bottom as usual in the weeks and months ahead.

"The press have blown the incident totally out of perspective," piped the petite princess of pop, perkily. "It was quite simple. All that happened was that I put an egg in the microwave, y'know, to see what would happen, because you're not supposed to put eggs in microwaves and I was naturally curious. Anyway all that happened was that it exploded and it was really stinky, y'know?"

"All the reports that I fell into the microwave oven were totally bogus, and quite ridiculous. I mean, I can hardly even reach the oven in the first place, let alone fall into it. I had to put my highest heels on," she said, no doubt wiggling that now legendary bottom at the same time.
posted by Eric 9:24 PM [edit] 

Tuesday, May 07, 2002
Did you know?...

* Paul Daniels, about to get mauled by a polar bear, yesterdayPaul Daniels, the "You'll like it... Not a lot" magician, has decided to come out of retirement and go make his fortune in Las Vegas. But wife, the lovely Debbie McGee won't be appearing on-stage as his assistant. "Oh no," Paul told us, "Debbie's got other fish to fry. Mainly cod and plaice... she's taken a job at the local chippie you see. Well, times are hard, so that is why I'm off to Vegas to make us lots of cash."

Inspired by legendary Vegas magic acts like Siegfried and Roy with their menagerie of albino lions and tigers, Paul's on-stage partner will be Roxy the Polar Bear. "You can't do magic in Vegas and not have a ferocious white animal on stage with you," explained Daniels. "You'd be booed off stage. I'm sure Roxy will do an admirable job as my assistant. The only problem is trying to crowbar her into Debbie's old stage outfits. Have you ever tried to get an 800 pound polar bear into a rhinestone bikini?"
posted by Gina Snowdoll 1:09 PM [edit] 

Friday, April 26, 2002
Did you know?...

* ITV Digital's Monkee gets job
With the recent demise of ITV digital the mascot Monkee has been signed by a major Hollywood studio for an undisclosed amount. Universal Pictures has stated that it has a number of top starring roles in line for Monkee including a remake of Star Wars where he will play Luke Gibbon a Jedi warrior. Other roles being especially written for him are as a Terminator robot in the next of the Terminator series and as the lead in the refilming of Leonardo di Caprio's scenes from Titanic. Monkee has said in a statement issued by his agent that he is 'quite chuffed' to have landed the contract as he was facing the next few years back in the sock draw.
posted by Sherri 8:11 PM [edit] 

* Rumours that Celine Dion is suffering from a severe fruit phobia were today denied by Ms. Dion's management.

"Ms. Dion loves fruit. Some of her best meals have been apples." insisted Marcel Duluth, her French Canadian nail technician.

Sources close to Ms. Dion however, speak of a lifetime fear of the vitamin-packed snacks which is beginning to threaten her sanity and her recording career. "Only yesterday poor Celine had to run from a rehearsal room when she realised it contained a large bowlful of fruit." said our source. "We are all hoping and praying that therapy will help her through her dificulties, or heaven knows when her next album will be be ready."
posted by Emma 5:19 PM [edit] 

Thursday, April 25, 2002
Did you know?...

*

Welsh weather wondergirl found in packet of salt and vinegar

Sian Lloyd in a bag of salt and vinegar crisps
Imagine the look of surprise on 74 year old Walter Freeloader's face when he opened a packet of salt and vinegar crisps only to find the visage of his favourite weather girl, Sian Lloyd, staring up at him. For there upon one of his golden crisps was a near-perfect image of the welsh meteorological sensation. "I couldn't believe it," the gibbering pensioner told us. "I suppose that there must have been a whole potato with Sian's lovely beaming face running through it like a stick of rock."

The Sian Lloyd crisp now takes pride of place in a specially-made cabinet on Walter's sideboard, whilst each week Walter spends most of his pension on packets of crisps. "I really want to find all those other Sian crisps that may be out there in circulation. I've bought myself a magnifying glass and I've been sorting through the crisps on my kitchen table. I'd hate to think of someone not even noticing her face in amongst their crisps and unwittingly munching her."

When asked to comment, Sian Lloyd told us that "Oh, my face appears everywhere. Only last week I received a letter from a man in Caerphilly who had seen my face in a slice of cucumber, and apparently there's a group of astronomers on the internet who have been comparing notes on a rock formation on Mars that they think looks just like me."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 12:51 PM [edit] 

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