Britain's leading light on the tennis court, Tim Henman, may be asked to withdraw from this year's Wimbledon tournament, as it has been revealed that he is actually a powerful malevolent being from another dimension answering to the name of HEN-MAN.
Religious leaders from around the UK have been appealing to the Lawn Tennis Association for the immediate suspension of Henman from this and all future events.
"His is an evil un-Godly presence," the Archbishop of Canterbury told the World's Press today in an official statement. "He uses his otherworldly powers of evil against his sporting opponents. For example, at the recent Indian Wells Masters tournament in March, HEN-MAN used a black magic spell on his opponent Lleyton Hewitt, causing him to levitate in the air." (see photo, right).
It has even been suggested that HEN-MAN - who can take the form of a giant man-chicken at will - has been prowling the Earth through eternity. Back in the 1960s his evil schemes very nearly came to demonic fruition whilst embodied in an earlier incarnation as Jimi HEN-drix, who delighted in spreading his evil amongst unwitting followers through the media of psychedelic music. HEN-drix, like HEN-MAN, had his magic staff - his talisman of power - which took the form of a Fender Stratocaster guitar. HEN-MAN's Slavenger tennis racket is believed to be this same magic staff which has been sent through time when - as HEN-drix - he performed the "guitar sacrifice" with a bottle of lighter fluid and a box of matches at the Monterey Pop Festival in 1967.
Meanwhile, Lawn Tennis Association officials are locked in debate trying to come up with a solution to this problem.
Cliff Richard is said to be "devastated".
posted by Gina Snowdoll 12:08 PM
Tuesday, June 25, 2002
New Sun block Laws
The Government has rushed through a white paper and with effect from Tuesday 25th June 2002, sunbathing without adequate protection approved by the government, will be a punishable crime.
Professor Lilwhite has confirmed that most people ignore the risks from sunbathing, and as a desperate measure to cut costs on the NHS, sunbathing is banned in the UK unless the approved protection is used.
The University of Anti Sun Burn and Harmful Damage to Skin (UASBHDS) has developed this face protector for the bargain price of £15. It provides 100% sun blockage and guarantees no need for after sun and has a government seal of approval.
The bad news is that they have not designed it for the rest of the body, so you will have to wear your trousers and long sleeved tops, as if you get caught semi or naked in the sun, you will be confined to a prison cell until the sun goes.
Major superstores have been in uproar after most of them bought sun creams in bulk for the buy one get free promotion. A spokesman for Superdrug has asked Tony Blair what they are supposed to do with all their sun creams. It was suggested that they may wish to ship it another country that does not have this new law.
The PM has been left fuming following the head muppet's antics at 10 Downing Street yesterday. "It wasn't even as if he had an appointment," Mr Blair told an astonished House of Commons. "He just stolled in, bold as brass, went straight to the fridge and made it away with my cheese and marmite."
Outside Parliament, a Labour Party spokesperson told the gathering press that the Prime Minister was "absolutely furious" and had to "send out for a packet of crisps and a Mars bar", having "refused John Prescott's offer of a bite from his pork pie".
Meanwhile there has been much frenzied speculation about how the Government will respond to this outrageous piece of liberty-taking. The Times has suggested that one likely outcome may be that Britain will boycott The Muppet Show, and place sanctions on any related series such as Sesame Street, whilst The Sun fears the worst, their front page advocating that we "NUKE THE LITTLE GREEN BASTARD".
posted by Gina Snowdoll 12:32 PM
Where Are They Now? Anneka Rice
The question on everybody's lips these days, of course, is "Whatever happened to Anneka Rice, she of Treasure Hunt and Challenge Anneka fame?" Well, we at The Liar have some insider info on this very topic. Knowing how Anneka enjoyed getting to grips with a good challenge, several years ago we challenged her to find out how many whelks there were around the rocky coasts of the British Isles.
We thought she'd just ask a few people here and there, make a few enquiries, a few calculations, some educated estimates, and come back to us within the week, but Oh No! This was Anneka we were dealing with, and not someone to do things by half measures. She only decided that she'd go off and count every single bloody one herself, and has made it her life mission to count the total number of whelks around the British Isles and - as far as we know - has been at it, clambering over dangerous rocky outcrops and risking life and limb, ever since!
posted by Gina Snowdoll 12:17 PM
STOP PRESS... News is just reaching us that the popular comedian and television presenter, Jim Davidson's buttocks have exploded in a freak gooseberry picking accident in Yorkshire this morning.
Rest assred that we at The Liar will be covering this story in much more depth as and when the details are released.
Madonna has outraged nature lovers by adopting a badger, which she takes everywhere with her on a leash.
"The badger is a protected species in Britain, and it is illegal to take one into your home and make it your pet," explained Cuthbert Periwinkle, President of the Badgers Are People Too League. "These celebrities think they can just swan in from America, buy up all our best properties in Kensington - which incidentally would make a fabulous badger reserve if properly managed - and if that weren't enough they think they can ignore the laws of the land and influence our wildlife, teaching them to perform tricks for a handful of food or perhaps an autograph or two..."
"It's preposterous," he added.
Madonna, who is reported to have adopted the badger - which acts as her personal bodyguard - after an unfortunate incident in which she was attacked by otters, declined to comment.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 12:27 PM
Tuesday, June 04, 2002
Kylie in Freak Microwave Oven Accident
The Pocket-sized Antipodean Poppet (PAP for short) Kylie Minogue has tonight issued a statement to the press to the effect that despite her accident this weekend involving a microwave oven, she is fit and well, and expects to be wiggling her bottom as usual in the weeks and months ahead.
"The press have blown the incident totally out of perspective," piped the petite princess of pop, perkily. "It was quite simple. All that happened was that I put an egg in the microwave, y'know, to see what would happen, because you're not supposed to put eggs in microwaves and I was naturally curious. Anyway all that happened was that it exploded and it was really stinky, y'know?"
"All the reports that I fell into the microwave oven were totally bogus, and quite ridiculous. I mean, I can hardly even reach the oven in the first place, let alone fall into it. I had to put my highest heels on," she said, no doubt wiggling that now legendary bottom at the same time.
posted by Eric 9:24 PM
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