ITV Digital's Monkee gets job With the recent demise of ITV digital the mascot Monkee has been signed by a major Hollywood studio for an undisclosed amount. Universal Pictures has stated that it has a number of top starring roles in line for Monkee including a remake of Star Wars where he will play Luke Gibbon a Jedi warrior. Other roles being especially written for him are as a Terminator robot in the next of the Terminator series and as the lead in the refilming of Leonardo di Caprio's scenes from Titanic. Monkee has said in a statement issued by his agent that he is 'quite chuffed' to have landed the contract as he was facing the next few years back in the sock draw.
posted by Sherri 8:11 PM
Rumours that Celine Dion is suffering from a severe fruit phobia were today denied by Ms. Dion's management.
"Ms. Dion loves fruit. Some of her best meals have been apples." insisted Marcel Duluth, her French Canadian nail technician.
Sources close to Ms. Dion however, speak of a lifetime fear of the vitamin-packed snacks which is beginning to threaten her sanity and her recording career. "Only yesterday poor Celine had to run from a rehearsal room when she realised it contained a large bowlful of fruit." said our source. "We are all hoping and praying that therapy will help her through her dificulties, or heaven knows when her next album will be be ready."
posted by Emma 5:19 PM
Thursday, April 25, 2002
Welsh weather wondergirl found in packet of salt and vinegar
Imagine the look of surprise on 74 year old Walter Freeloader's face when he opened a packet of salt and vinegar crisps only to find the visage of his favourite weather girl, Sian Lloyd, staring up at him. For there upon one of his golden crisps was a near-perfect image of the welsh meteorological sensation. "I couldn't believe it," the gibbering pensioner told us. "I suppose that there must have been a whole potato with Sian's lovely beaming face running through it like a stick of rock."
The Sian Lloyd crisp now takes pride of place in a specially-made cabinet on Walter's sideboard, whilst each week Walter spends most of his pension on packets of crisps. "I really want to find all those other Sian crisps that may be out there in circulation. I've bought myself a magnifying glass and I've been sorting through the crisps on my kitchen table. I'd hate to think of someone not even noticing her face in amongst their crisps and unwittingly munching her."
When asked to comment, Sian Lloyd told us that "Oh, my face appears everywhere. Only last week I received a letter from a man in Caerphilly who had seen my face in a slice of cucumber, and apparently there's a group of astronomers on the internet who have been comparing notes on a rock formation on Mars that they think looks just like me."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 12:51 PM
Tuesday, April 23, 2002
Leo Sayer in Milk Float Mix-Up Mayhem
The singer Leo Sayer - who had many a chart-busting hit in the 1970s such as "When I Need You" and "I Won't Let The Show Go On" - got into an embarrassing mix-up recently after he decided to take a leaf out of fellow Brighton resident Chris Ewbank's book. "I'd seen Chris driving about town and along the sea-front in this enormous truck that he'd had imported from the USA," the diminutive singer told us. "And I thought, Yeah, I want to be eccentric too! I want to drive around in something really MAD!"
"So, I went home and looked down the back of the sofa and pretty soon I'd accumulated a few million pounds, that I must have dropped down there back in the days when I was having number one singles and all that, and anyway, I decided to buy the mad eccentric vehicle of my dreams."
So Leo bought himself a gold-plated milk float, and was soon to create a familiar spectacle around Brighton driving along the sea-front with a two mile tail-back of traffic behind him. "You don't know the sense of elation that gave me," he enthused. "It was such a great feeling, hearing all those car horns; it was like having a whole band behind me again. A band of car horns."
But disaster struck when the imp-like star took his milk float to Tesco. "I was only popping in for a pint of milk. Yeah, and before you say it, I was aware of the irony of that situation. But when I got out of the shop and went to find my float I discovered the entire car park was full of milk floats. It turned out that this day, of all days, was the annual Brighton to Hove milk float rally, and all these milkmen and milkwomen and milk float enthusiasts had stopped off to use the Tesco's restaurant for lunch break. It took me bleedin' hours to find my own milk float amongst that lot, and when I did my milk had gone sour."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 1:18 PM
Travellers on the railways in England are outraged as a new pre-summer law is enforced on the National Railways.
Every commuter will have to raise both of their arms before boarding any trains, and will have their arm pits sniffed by a team of specialist Body Odor Detectors, known as the BOD Group.
This law has come into effect before the height of the summer arrives, causing no end of misery for some commuters as others simply disregard their personnel hygiene.
The move, according to the Anti-BOD Movement, was bought about by a small minority of people that could not understand the sexual attraction that is caused by smelling one person's sweat.
The man responsible for forming the BOD Group has replied stating that the various Rail Networks were sick of people complaining that trains smelt like Bovril soup, beef and onion crisps or vinegar in the height of summer.
Anyone found to have traces of body odor will be offered a can of deodorant to use, or given a bar of soap and told to go back home in extreme cases.
posted by Karen 12:15 PM
Monday, April 22, 2002
Breaking news: Scientists in Cambridge have tonight revealed the astonishing discovery that cheese is in fact sentient. More news on this amazing story as and when it comes in. Or maybe even never. Depending on whether we can be bothered or not.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 9:23 PM
The Truth Is Out There... or at least it would be if there was an "out there"
NASA have admitted, after years of heated debate and speculation, that Yes they did indeed fake the Moon landings. And moreover, it seems that the Moon itself was a hoax, which was earlier today revealed as being a large silver balloon tethered to the Earth.
And as if this wasn't shocking enough, a NASA spokesman went on to add insult to injury by telling a stunned public that, "Not only were there no moon landings, and no moon to land on in the first place, but there is no such thing as Space. We just made it up for a laugh. We were surprised that people were taken in by it all. We never thought anyone would seriously fall for it. We've been laughing ourselves silly in private for years."
posted by Eric 11:54 AM
Orangutan presents loyal "tickler" with Medal.
Shirley, the orangutan, finally got to say thanks to her special friend in a rather unique ceremony yesterday in Ohio, America.
Dan Tharquat had first met Sheila during a school trip to the local zoo. He then returned to do voluntary work, and quickly became Sheila's main tickling partner.
For the last 50 years, Dan has continued to tickle Sheila through her life, firming a strong bond between them.
Flo Gurpin, the owner of the monkey house at the zoo, said that she thought this was the best way to reward Dan for all his hard work over the years.
Sheila was trained by an animal coach to enable her to present Dan with his lifetime Tickler award.
Mr Tharquat was visibly moved by the special ceremony, and said that he hoped for many mores years of tickling ahead.
Sarah Michelle Geller, TV's Bunty the Vampire Slayer, confesses that if she ever met a real-life vampire she wouldn't know what to do. "I'd most likely end up trying to spoon it to death," she told us. "I usually carry a spoon or two around with me, so I can practice spoon-bending between takes on set." Indeed, Sarah's uncle is none other than the psychic paranormalist spoonbender himself, Mr Uri Geller, who has threatened to leave her out of his will if she doesn't master the art of mangling cutlery using the power of the mind.
posted by Eric 11:34 AM
Rustling banned from Cinemas
After years of constant complaining, sweets in rustling wrappers have finally been banned from cinemas in Sweeden. Hurgle Furharg, leader of the Anti-Rustling Movement, finally got to celebrate yesterday by throwing thousands of jelly beans from the stage of his local cinema.
Hurgle has been campaigning for years after, what he calls, being tormented by noisy sweet wrappers whilst trying to enjoy a film. The decision to ban rustling sweet wrappers came after a fight broke out in one cinema, causing two men to be admitted to hospital.
Both men are now fine now that they have had their sweets surgically removed, and welcome the ban.
Some cinema's are considering selling sweets that normally rustle without their wrappers once an automated sweet unwrapping machine has been through the final stages of development.
Tony Blair is currently assessing Film Rage in the UK, with a possible move to employ the same ban across cinemas in the UK.
posted by Karen 9:33 AM
Friday, April 12, 2002
Following an EC directive, Blackpool's Golden Mile is to be officially re-named the Golden 1.6 Kilometers, in the spirit of metrification. Cutting the ribbon at the renaming ceremony this weekend will be Brian from Big Brother (who?) and Keith Harris and Orville. And there will be free fish and chips for everyone, and also members of the Coronation Street cast will be available for poking with sticks and verbal abuse.
posted by Eric 3:09 PM
The good people of Belgium have wrapped Celine Dion up in brown paper and string and have posted her back to Canada, marked "Return to sender".
posted by Eric 8:44 AM
Thursday, April 11, 2002
Girly Liverpudlian Teen-Pop Trio Spill The Beans
Atomic Kitten's Lil confesses, "We were originally supposed to be called Atomic Kitchen, but we couldn't spell it."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 11:46 AM
The singer Celine Dion has been exiled to Belgium by order of the Canadian Government. "You are a disgrace to your nation," she was told, "and have brought shame and a regime of fear and self-loathing upon the whole of Canada."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 11:36 AM
Wednesday, April 10, 2002
Harry, the worlds tallest giraffe from India, is to undergo a revolutionary operation.
Harry appeared to be behaving out of character and the zoo vet could find no reason. Tonto Longthorn, the giraffe whisperer, was called in and has confirmed that Harry is suffering headaches due to an onset of vertigo.
The vet is now planning to operate on Harry to reduce his neck by almost a foot in order to cure Harry of his vertigo. Fans of the giant giraffe are scared that Harry will be removed from the Guinness Book of Records as he will no longer be the worlds tallest giraffe.
The Guinness Book of Records have confirmed that Harry will retain the record for the foreseeable future.
In Lewes there will be another 2 minutes silence tomorrow, but not for the Queen mother, but to the death of the hedge shaped like a "thingy" which has been lovingly pruned by Violet Underpass for over 40 years.
The new house owners are disgusted by the hedge, and will be cutting it down tomorrow. It is reported that Violet is set to chain herself the hedge.
posted by Karen 11:33 AM
Tuesday, April 09, 2002
Unlike Pinocchio, woodliceare actually made out of wood.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 3:50 PM
The word jiggerypokery is mentioned a staggering 329 times (count them!) in the Bible.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 3:47 PM
In 1881 the italian author Carlo Lorenzini began writing the children's classic, Pinocchio, the story of the toy who comes to life. It is a little known fact that his story was in fact simply an adaptation of an old folk tale which had been handed down from generation to generation, and in which the central character was in fact carved out of dried cow dung. The character of Jiminy Cricket was in fact a creation of Lorenzini's; in the original folk tale, Pinocchio - the boy made out of dried poo - underwent his various travels and adventures in the companionship of a bullfinch, a chirpy feathered fellow known as Mike.
As in the version of the story we all know so well, Pinocchio the lad made of excrement was also a notorious liar. This is where the expression "You're talking bullshit" comes from. Which is not to be confused with the line, "Wow! You're a talking bullfinch!" which was often addressed to Mike.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 1:10 PM
Primal Scream singer Bobbie Gillespie keeps a basketful of stale doughnuts (which he buys cheap at Tesco at the end of the day) at his bedside, so that he is armed and ready with a supply of convenient projectiles to hurl at "the giant man-eating caterpillar that comes in the night".
posted by Gina Snowdoll 12:41 PM
Saturday, April 06, 2002
BBC to replace 10 o'clock news with stepladder
The latest casualty at the BBC, following the recent Digital TV "Wars", is its 10 o'clock news programme (formerly the 9 o'clock news) which has been scrapped and replaced with a stepladder.
The Director General Greg Dyke has issued a statement saying, "We have been harnessing the power of new technology to offer the very latest in multimedia, digital television, BBC online, etc, but we can only do this by holding on tight to the purse strings. Everything we do as an organization must strictly adhere to the budgets that have been set. If a television programme goes over budget, then we must take appropriate steps, and if this means axing the show and cutting our losses, then so be it."
The first programme to be axed in this cost-cutting campaign is the 10 o'clock news. The show was considered to be "ludicrously expensive" by some mainly because of the fee that former ITN newsreader Peter Sissons demanded, and also for the gallons of very expensive imported make-up used to make him look "less corpse-like".
But the straw that broke the camel's back was the unauthorised purchase of a stepladder by the BBC 10 o'clock news team. The stepladder, which was allegedly needed so that a coin-operated gas meter could be reached, was bought without the correct paperwork authorising its purchase having been done. This simple purchase tipped the scales and put the whole 10 o'clock news show over budget, and the Director General, to show that he meant business when he said that no programme was to go over budget, cancelled the programme immediately.
Much of the newsroom set that was seen on screen had been computer-generated; the computer boffins who worked on this "virtual" set have been re-employed elsewhere working on an database of Basil Brush's jokes for BBC Online, whilst the physical parts of the newsroom set have been taken away for recycling. Meanwhile Peter Sissons is being auctioned off on eBay. Ironically, all that still remains from the 10 o'clock news programme is the offending stepladder that caused all the trouble in the first place. The lack of paperwork authorising its purchase meant that it couldn't be re-assigned to another part of the BBC.
Currently the 10 o'clock news spot is being filled with repeats of Dad's Army and Porridge, but the BBC are considering a replacement low budget news bulletin which will feature the stepladder with cards pinned to it carrying the main headlines and news summaries of the day. The camera will pan slowly over these allowing the viewer to read the stories themselves.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 10:21 AM
Wednesday, April 03, 2002
Britney to vomit on new single
We at The Liar are proud to reveal exclusively to the world, exclusive details of teen sensation Britney Spears' next fabulous release. In an exclusive interview, the young virginal singer told us that "My last hit was a country song. I've done dance and I wanted to do something a bit not the same as that this time. So I've been listening to a lot of this noo metal."
It seems that the young Ms Spears, in search of something that little bit different, had been hanging out in metal clubs and getting into the whole death metal and thrash metal scene. "I like the vocals when they go Blerurrhghghhhggggghhhh-aaaaahhhhhhggggg-gh-ghghhhh," she told us. "I thinked to myself, I can do that. So I did."
And so she did! Indeed, she went one better than all the gutteral-voiced heavy metal singers, and actually vomited whilst recording her vocals. "I was trying to do all that Bleurgghghghhh stuff and it made me feel sick, and I had a little accident. The studio man said the microphone was only fit for the bin afterwards, and they would have to get the carpet shampooed, but we liked the sound of it, so we kept it in."
Britney's new single, Bleerarghgghg-arghgh-thrrrurgghlglerrrrrghghhhh (I'm Gonna Heave All Over You) is out next month. A random music lover who we stopped in the street summed it up for everyone when he commented that it would be a refreshing change for Britney to be the one throwing up rather than the poor sods who have to listen to her.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 12:38 PM
Saved in the nick of time
POLICE officers in Ffaircwm, South Wales, were mystified this morning when the village police station disappeared without trace. Quick thinking PC Kelly Jones (pictured below) saved the day by immediately going to the nearest phone box and calling the police.
The world's oldest pair of trousers have been uncovered by Tony Robinson and the Time Team team from Channel 4 on a dig in the mudflats of East Anglia. "At first we thought they were Roman," explained the diminutive TV presenter most famously known for playing the smelly and dimwitted Baldrick in Blackadder. "Then on closer examination, having scraped away some of the dirt, we could see that the find was actually of fossilisied wood."
The team concluded that the trousers would have been worn by Wood Age man, who would have lived after Stone Age man, but before Iron Age man. The prehistoric garment would have been made entirely out of wood, and the stiffness and lack of mobility that they allowed the wearer would have explanied why the whole Wood Age period was so very brief.
"They certainly wouldn't have been comfortable trousers," explained the scruffy looking guy with the west country accent and whose name this reporter can't be bothered finding out. "I mean, look at them. They look like a bit of rotten old tree stump, or something."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 10:34 AM
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