The new government body, BFOSS (Body For Old School Sweets), has now taken drastic action in order to curb sweetie crime. The army (pictured above) are already being trained to help out incase the crimes get worse.
At the time of this report, police will not only be doing stop and searches for guns and drugs, but will have the power to stop and search for Old School Sweets.
Inspector Trebor said that the latest crime wave is taking the nation by storm "It all started when a few people using this here web diary thing started to whitter on about sweets they liked as children. Well, the net community went wild, and suddenly we have all these 30 to 40 year olds going mad for sweets. Shops have been ransacked by a few".
Some of the police task force are not happy about the new stop and search laws "I am not happy and nor is me wife. Suppose I stop someone with some spangles and they do not want to give them up, have you ever been poked in the eye with a packet of spangles? Let me tell you it hurts".
In the Midlands, one shopkeeper is constantly under death threats unless he supplies Palma Violets to his customer.
Police and the BFOSS think that this fad will die a quick death just like the Pogo stick did.
The ghost of Fulton Mackay, the strict prison warden from the BBC TV series Porridge, has been sighted haunting furniture retail outlets in Northumbria.
Ronnie Barker, who played Fletcher in the series explains, "He always hated those japanese-style sofa beds, y'know, futons. He thought they should be banned. What it all amounted to was that he was proud of his rather individual Christian name, Fulton, and he'd get really annoyed when people misprounounced it and made him sound like a piece of furniture."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 1:44 PM
Tuesday, March 12, 2002
Vegas in pants
After his recent over exposure, Johnny Vegas seems unable to even go to his local off licence to get supplies without being hounded by fans.
In an effort to solve this problem, he reportedly whilst rather drunk, had a rather fetching pair of blue nylon pants sewn onto his head, and another chin inserted to throw the fans off the scent.
He has now encountered a further problem as he can no longer enter his local off-licence as they find the pants offensive....
posted by Karen 8:41 AM
Wednesday, March 06, 2002
Where Are They Now?
Danny Baker, the self-satisfied DJ and TV presenter, from whom you simply couldn't escape for love nor money when you turned on your television set just a few years back, has recently been sighted hanging around bird-tables in residential back gardens looking for crusts of bread and scraps of bacon rind with which to feed himself. "They pay me a pittance at Radio Five Live," he explained, adding "Yes, I am still on the air? Don't you tune in? Anyway, I can't stand around here chatting all day, they've just hung up a coconut full of fat at number 17, so I'd better get me skates on before those pesky sparrows get there."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 2:10 PM
Friday, March 01, 2002
It was revealed to the press this afternoon that the art collector and advertiser Charles Saatchi has just paid a cool £25million for Damien Hirst's breakfast leftovers from this morning. The cereal bowl, still with pieces of shredded wheat sticking to the insides, and a plate bearing congealed egg stains and toast crumbs, is said to be just one in a series of performance art pieces by Hirst which will fascinatingly document his life - and in particular what he had for breakfast - on a daily basis. The raving imbecile Saatchi is reportedly "overjoyed" with the purchase of this latest piece of crap.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 1:34 PM
Despite the relaxed attitude to drugs and sex and stuff, it is illegal to eat tulips in Holland. On pain of death.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 1:34 PM
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