In a stunning revelation today, it was revealed that the popular Irish entertainer Val Doonican is in fact a robot. A spokesman for The Ministry of Cake (Robotics Division) issued a short statement to the press after an unfortunate incident at a charity gala this weekend in which a short circuit caused Mr Doonican - later to be revealed as a mechanoid - to go on a killing spree.
"He wasn't always a robot," explained Julian Battenburg from the Robotics Division of The Ministry of Cake. "The real Val Doonican absconded many years ago half way through the third BBC series of his popular Saturday Night entertainment show, taking an antique rocking chair worth a cool £6 million with him. The BBC couldn't afford to abandon the series on top of having to make up the cost of the pilfered chair which had been hired especially for the programme; it was a very popular TV programme, very high in the ratings, so they decided to continue with a robotic stand-in for Val. Obviously there are very strict Government guidelines on things like the operation of mechanical men, so naturally we at The Ministry of Cake (Robotics Department) were brought in onto the project as advisors."
"No one had noticed that Val was actually a mechanoid, most likely because he spent most his time sitting in his now legendary rocking chair. I don't mean the one that got stolen, obviously. A different one. Anyhoo... the thing that gives most robots away is that it's very difficult to perfect a natural-looking human walk in a mechanical man, so it was really handy having that chair which was already firmly established as Val's trademark. I mean, no one would think it strange for him to do an entire show in the chair. Hell, it was expected of him. People wanted to see that chair; it got nearly as much fan mail as Val himself did. When I say Val, I mean the robot version. The real Val was never seen again. Although we did get a postcard from him one year, saying "Ha Ha! Suckers!", which I thought was a bit rude of him really."
At this point your roving reporter could stand it no longer. I had to find out why The Ministry of Cake were involved, and why indeed there even existed a Robotics Department in that very ministry.
"Well," drawled the minister, "the truth of the matter is that Saturday night TV shows attract an awful lot of viewers. It's crap TV, we know it, but we've got a captive audience. And what do that captive audience do when sat in front of the box? They eat! And what do they eat? Well - all sorts of things - but biscuits and more importantly - cake - are very popular as an accompaniment to a nice cup of tea. Or coffee. So, it's all about selling cakes really. I shouldn't really be telling you all this, but I suppose the truth was bound to come out in the end."
"Well, those Saturday night shows from over the years... I mean, they were pretty lame. But although the public love these shows with people making such complete arses of themselves, you couldn't pay real entertainers enough money to humiliate themselves in such a disgraceful way. Except Jim Davidson of course, everyone knows he's a complete git. But Bruce Forsyth (a.k.a. R2Forsyth), Jeremy Beadle, Matthew Kelly, Larry Grayson, Noel Edmonds... they're all robots. OK, one or two of them have fallen to pieces now, I'm afraid to say, but we're working on Phase II. I mean, already, we've got the incredible singing robot, Will Young from Pop Idol... Errrk... I have said too much..."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 1:29 PM
The Truth about Mushy Peas
A shocking revelation was made by the minister of peas, Dr Ralph Numbalder, that confirmed what many have suspected for a number of years.
Mushy pea's did derive from a terrible pea crushing accident. The truth has been revealed after some American scientists doing a study of British food fads, threatened to reveal their findings of the pea crushing incident.
The story goes that an old man, not named for legal reasons, was driving a transport truck of peas, when he swerved to avoid hitting a small animal. This caused the lorry to almost overturn and forced all the peas to fall over to one side of the container.
Upon arrival at the superstore, the quality control checker said that they could not accept the peas due to their crushed state.
The lorry driver, not wishing to loose his job, stated that the peas were meant to be "mushed" up as it was a range that was being introduced and that the store had been specifically chosen to launch the product.
The superstore then advertised the "mushed peas" and so the trend began...
posted by Karen 9:00 AM
Tuesday, February 26, 2002
The Edge in Stuffed Crust Conflict
David Evans a.k.a. The Edge of Irish rock band U2 has begun legal action against Pizza Hut who, he says, are in breach of copyright for the use of his name without his permission on their popular stuffed-crust The Edge pizza range. Pizza Hut say they are disappointed with the guitarist's outlook, and that that they named the pizza after him as a mark of respect. They further went on to add that they cannot afford to give Mr The Edge the kind of royalties that he has quoted for the use of his name, not without increasing the price of each The Edge pizza by £25, which they do not believe would go down very well in the marketplace. They are also concerned about future promotions, such as the proposed Eric Clapton and Brian May pizzas.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 1:47 PM
Sting in Cocoa Shocker
After months of speculation, gossip and rumour, environmentally-aware Geordie rockstar Sting has admitted that he has a cocoa addiction problem. "I can't fight it anymore," he explained. "I'm finding that I need at least mug or two of hot satisfying cocoa to help get me through a gig. Or preferably a mug for each song. Yeah, I know, that's one helluva lot of cocoa I'm getting through; the ethical implications do keep me awake at night I must admit, and my heart goes out to the deprived peasant cocoa pickers in Norway, or wherever it is. I'll make it up to them somehow, I promise. Perhaps, a charity single..."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 1:31 PM
Tuesday, February 05, 2002
Girls Just Want To Have Fun, Me Hearties!
It is a little known fact, that Cyndi Lauper's hit single "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" was originally entitled "Girls Just Want To Become Pirates And Sail The Seven Seas And Have a Parrot Sitting On Their Shoulder Saying 'Pieces of Eight', And Go Digging Up Buried Treasure And Getting Into Drunken Brawls With Scurvy Dogs, Y'Arrrrrrrrrrrr, Avast Ye, Landlubbers!" but that Cyndi was eventually persuaded to alter the song by the (now late great) Roy Orbison, who said he was concerned that the original might be a commercial disaster.
Cyndi got her own back by travelling into the future in a time machine of her own design, where she heard Roy Orbison singing "I Drove All Night", which she then recorded herself when she had returned to her own time, and released her version of the song before Orbison's, thereby stealing his thunder.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 2:04 PM
Friday, February 01, 2002
The Clawed Revolt.
Crabs all over the beaches in the world are revolting in mass over their side wards walking.
Helgin the giant Hermit crab from Eastbourne has started the revolt after he walked into the path of a giant rock, which then cracked his shell and left him unconscious for hours. By the time Helgin had awoken, he had been washed out by the tide and was most upset.
"People have no idea what it is like", he told me through a crab translating machine,"To have your eyes looking infront of you, but your body walking sideways. I have spoken to an assortment of other crabs, and they all the say the same, why are we like this? I have recommended the action to try to walk forwards to save other crabs from unnecessary premature deaths."
Reports have been flooding in that several crabs have already lost their lives whilst attempting the forward walking. Salmney was killed in such an incident and the young girl involved told me her version of events "I was walking along the sand when I saw the crab infront of me. We made eye contact so i stepped infront of the crab, believing that the crab would side step, just as the crab lunged forward. For a moment I was under the impression that the crab was trying to kill me, but later, on a dream, I realized that the crabs were merely attempting forward walking".
People are being warned to take special care when beach and sand walking as this phenomena spreads through the shores of the land.
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