The Liar

The Liar - Humour, tall tales, celebrity news. PLUS: Porkie pies, lies, blatant untruths, invented stories and generally a load of old tosh. And proud of it.
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The Liar. It's quite splendid. Honest, guvnor.     The Liar

Thursday, January 31, 2002
Did you know?...


X-certificate Buns Cause Government Ruckus

An almighty row has broken out between two government sectors. Major Cavendish Philistine of the Department of Toast begins the tale, "We were becoming concerned that certain supermarket chains were not adhering to government guidelines and were putting hot-cross buns on sale too soon before Easter. Indeed, some shops had them on the shelves straight after Christmas, whilst another chain who shall remain nameless seem to offer them the whole year round."

But it seems that The Department of Toast's involvement in this area has put another government body's nose out of joint. "I think you'll find that buns come clearly under the general heading of Cake," we were told by an angry Dr Persephone Spaceshuttle from the Ministry of Cake. "The Department of Toast had no place interfering in this obviously very cake-related area. We had already entered into a contract with the various supermarket chains regarding the eligible dates for supply of hot cross buns. The whole matter is already being monitored, indeed we have set up a government watchdog for that very purpose, although our concerns are very much to the contrary of the restrictive ideas that the Toast Boys are bandying about. We want the stores to sell more hot cross buns, and have been actively encouraging promotion of the said buns throughout the year."

"Cake?" countered Major Philistine. "There is no way that you can call hot cross buns a cake product. They definitely should be filed under the general heading of toast. After all you toast them, do you not? So, it's The Ministry of Cake who are the ones who've been interfering in something that has nothing to do with them. They had absolutely no right to initiate this contract with the supermarkets. I can't believe they had the nerve to think they could do such a thing. Cakes indeed! If you think about it, hot cross buns are nothing more than toasted tea cakes with an 'X' on top. See, Toasted tea cakes. The clue is in the name..."

"A-ha! So you admit it. Now we've caught you out. You said it yourself," replied Dr Spaceshuttle. "Toasted tea Cakes... Ouch!"

At this point in the argument, just as blows were starting to be exchanged, your reporter from The Liar decided it would be a good time to withdraw. However, it is expected that the issue will be raised in Parliament, but it remains to be seen whether Tony Blair is a toast man or a cake man.

posted by Gina Snowdoll 1:41 PM [edit] 

Tuesday, January 29, 2002
Did you know?...

* No more C

In the West Indies, the famous West Indies orchestra, The West Indies Live Band, have now been banned from playing in the key of 'C'.

This stunning and catastrophic rule has come from the conductor himself.
"I have a terrible lisss", he whispered, "and every time I thay thee, the band laugh. Well I am not having it thoo I have banned the word".
posted by Karen 3:36 PM [edit] 

Monday, January 28, 2002
Did you know?...

A very unhappy giraffe, infected with Philip Schofied, yesterday
Giraffes Suffer Philip Schofield Infestation. A herd of giraffes has apparently been infested with Philip Schofield. "I can't understand how we've managed to acquire this infestation - it's not as if we've been anywhere that we might have picked him up, like the BBC, The Metropolitan Line or Jason Donovan's bedroom." Vets from London's Royal Veterinary College are trying to find a cure for the problem, but believe that the only likely cure is Vim.
posted by Tamsin 11:16 AM [edit] 

Friday, January 25, 2002
Did you know?...

* Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

posted by Karen 8:13 PM [edit] 

* Former children's TV presenter, baby-faced Philip Schofield is infested with giraffes. "I have to use this special anti-giraffe shampoo twice a day," the would-be but not very talented actor told us. "It's horrible, they get everywhere those giraffes, in your hair, in the small of your back, behind your knees, between your toes... I really don't understand where I picked them up from. I mean, I've not been to Africa, can't remember the last time I went to a zoo, and I positively avoid safari parks after a rather unfortunate incident involving a killer whale and a cheese salad baguette."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 2:50 PM [edit] 

Monday, January 21, 2002
Did you know?...

* Monster Mouse
Monster Mouse on the Piccadilly Line, yesterday
Commuters on the London Underground have over the last month been reporting ever more frequent mouse sightings on the tracks at tube stations. And what's more, the mice appear to be getting bigger and bigger.

"I just couldn't believe my eyes," one frightened commuter told us. "These obese mice were literally rolling towards us as we waited at Leicester Square. They looked exactly like rather large oranges. With legs. Except they weren't orange. So, black oranges with legs, that's what they were like. Uncannily so. It was quite scary - there was panic all along the platform - people screaming and hyserically gibbering in fear. Or that may have been the busker, come to think of it; he wasn't very good. But the mice! We thought they were going to start nibbling our ankles. Luckily we were saved by a Piccadilly Line train pulling into the station."

A spokesman for London Transport told The Liar that "The mice are really quite harmless. They live in the tunnels feeding off old worn-out parts of trains that have fallen off due to all that shaking and rattling that goes on. In a way the mice are a blessing because if they weren't there we'd have to employ people to go into the tunnels and pick up all the worn out bits of train that would be littered about. And that would cause severe delays and then Londoners wouldn't be happy, would they?"

But London's Underground users are still to be convinced, and more recently rumours have been circulating of a mutant super mouse which has been feeding off the electricity in the electric rails and has grown to thirty feet in length. The monster mouse is said to have a lair somewhere in the vicinity of Mornington Crescent, and is believed to devour entire Northern Line trains for breakfast.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 1:56 PM [edit] 

Friday, January 18, 2002
Did you know?...

* Jamie's upside down bookAn uncharacteristically furious Jamie Oliver has complained to his publishers Michael Joseph that his latest recipe book, Happy Days With The Naked Chef, has been printed upside-down. "They've really gone and screwed up the printing malarkey; I just can't believe it. Pukka it most certainly ain't," the normally cheeky chappie told us. "And not only have they gone and printed the entire contents of the book upside down - the words, pictures and everything - they even gone and got the bleedin' cover on the wrong way up too."

A spokesman for Michael Joseph has suggested that Jamie turn the book the other way up.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 1:52 PM [edit] 

* Oranges must only be peeled within the confines of your own house if you live in Eastern Russia.

Anyone caught peeling an orange in public will be banned from ornage peeling for 5 years.
posted by Karen 10:50 AM [edit] 

Thursday, January 17, 2002
Did you know?...

* Red sandals are banned from 14th January 2002 in India.
All other colours are acceptable.
posted by Karen 3:16 PM [edit] 

Monday, January 14, 2002
Did you know?...

* Ex Genesis singer and champion of world music Peter Gabriel cannot pronounce the word stethoscope. "I just can't get my tongue around it," he told us, yesterday. "I try breaking it up into its component syllables, and I can manage that OK, but put them together and I make a right mess of it. Stefff...stethothescoth... scethoscothhhosope... It's useless, I just can't say it. Which was the main reason I never became a doctor. That, and the fact that I had no interest in medicine."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 12:15 PM [edit] 

* Sore Sole

In the town of Kurdzhali, Bulgaria, the wearing of shoes has now been made an official crime, punishable by public humiliation.

The Bulgarians have decided to ban shoes as the hospitals are overwhelmed by accidents relating to "unsuitable sole slippage" in the ice and snow.

The Minister of Shoes, Edvard Lacenhunger, is said to be outraged by the decision. "if they have banned shoes, what will people wear on their feet?? The suggestion of using bananas is mad as we do not have enough bananas' to cope. If the hospitals think there are busy now, wait until the road burn starts to take effect."

The man in charge of banning shoes was unavailable for comment.
posted by Karen 10:03 AM [edit] 

Sunday, January 13, 2002
Did you know?...

* Nick Berry, who used to play the rather simple-looking copper in Heartbeat, and before that Wiscky in Eastenders, has a phobia of taking baths. The phobia dates back to a childhood encounter with a jellyfish whilst paddling at the seaside, an experience from which Berry never recovered. "He used to have to wash himself in a rather special way," remembered Letitia Dean who plays Eastenders' Sharon, "and he'd use this baby oil. He was really slippery like, like a little greased monkey, he was."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 9:14 PM [edit] 

* Mona Lisa upside down
The world's most famous painting, Leonardo DaVinci's Mona Lisa, which resides in the Louvre in Paris, has been hung upside down all these years, it was revealed today from a source within DaVinci's estate. "Leonardo always intended that the woman in the painting was in fact sitting on the ceiling and should be viewed as such," an expert told us. "Why do you think she's got that stupid smirk on her face? She's looking smug, as if to say 'Ha! Look at me, I'm defying gravity... I'm sitting on the ceiling!' Obviously her hair must've been glued down, otherwise it'd be falling all over the place. That goes without saying."

We, at The Liar would like to see the Mona Lisa hung the right way up, i.e. upside down as Leonardo had intended, and are starting a petition that we will forward to The Louvre. Please sign up by leaving your details in the comments below.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 9:12 PM [edit] 

* Iced-buns can be used as a handy alternative to mobile phones, it was announced yesterday by The Ministry of Cake. "There is absolutely no reason why people shouldn't sit on trains holding an iced-bun up to their ear and talking loudly into it and pissing off the other passengers," a minister with special responsibility for buns told us. "And, of course, it can double as a tasty snack too. Try that with your mobile phone, and you'll most likely break you teeth."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 9:11 PM [edit] 

Thursday, January 10, 2002
Did you know?...


All I got for Christmas was this lousy flower press, by Fools and Horses Rodney

Nicholas Lyndhurst: All I got for Christmas was this flower press
In a shock statement at a press conference earlier today, Nicholas Lyndhurst, the dim-witted Rodney of TV's Only Fools And Horses, announced that all he got for Christmas was "a lousy flower press".

"At first I thought it was some kind of cookery gadget, so I was out in the kitchen with it making a right old mess with the self-raising, " he explained. "I couldn't really see the point in pressing flour, I mean, I wouldn't have thought you could get the particles much smaller. So I rang David Jason and he came over and said 'Rodney, you plonker, it's a f-l-o-w-e-r press, not a flour press.' Of course, I knew that all along, I was only doing it to wind him up."

"So, I had a go at pressing a couple of flowers. Well, not flowers exactly, as it's the wrong time of year, so I had to make do with a couple of weeds from the garden. So, I've got a squashed dandelion and a splattered thistle. Oh, and I tried a banana skin as well for good measure. That looked pretty messy, actually. Not the sort of thing you'd really want to mount on a nice bit of card and stick in a frame on the wall."

"I tried some of the Christmas left-overs too: pressed hazelnuts, brussel sprouts, those Quality Street toffees that no-one likes, dates, a bit of Christmas pud ... the results were a bit messy, but the wrappers on the toffees were nice pretty colours. I might frame some of those. Oh, and the pressed turkey leftovers are good for making up sandwiches, I suppose, so it's not all bad."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 4:44 PM [edit] 

Tuesday, January 08, 2002
Did you know?...

* Yellow but Happy
Peter Duncan, being yellow, yesterday
The ex-Blue Peter presenter, Peter Duncan, has finally come out of hiding after years to give me this exclusive story as to where he has been.

In a secret location in east London, we meet for a coffee and I asked him where he had disappeared to for the last ten years. His story follows

"Well I was running the 19991 London marathon with John Leslie, my fifth marathon, when we passed some women handing out, what I thought were drinks. Anyhow, I grabbed what i thought was a drink, which infact turned out to be a small bowl with a handy plastic spoon in.

I took a mouthful of the food and have never really been the same since, you see, the bowl contained rhubarb crumble with a small amount of ambrosia custard on it. After the marathon I would lie awake for hours trying to get the taste out of my mind.

In the end I could not fight it any longer and started living on a diet of crumble and custard. That was all i would eat, and the inevitable happened, I turned yellow and crumbley.

I have been in counseling for 3 years and have finally got down to 3 helpings per week, and feel ready to face the world again. I have rejected work offers to sit in a bath of cold custard for 24 hours for charity though, as I do not feel as though I could trust myself."
posted by Karen 9:37 AM [edit] 

Monday, January 07, 2002
Did you know?...


Puffin-smuggling Celia under sentence of death

Celia Imrie as Gertrude with Master Chalk in Gormenghast, and a puffin, yesterday
Actress and comedienne Celia Imrie has been sentenced to death, under an antiquated law on the Orkney Islands, for puffin smuggling. It is believed that the actress was so taken with having a bird perched on her shoulder after acting with Master Chalk the albino crow in the BBC's adaptation of Mervyn Peake's classic fantasy novel Gormenghast, that she decided she wanted a bird of her own, and decided upon getting herself a pet puffin because they looked cute. However, she soon discovered that she was addicted to puffins, and she began holidaying frequently on various puffin-inhabited islands around the British isles, and with each visit she would smuggle a suitcase of the birds home with her afterwards.

However her machievellian puffin smuggling ways came to a sorry end when she reached the Orkney Islands, the local shopkeeper becoming suspicious when Imrie tried to purchase 116 packets of fish-fingers. A police raid on her holiday home revealed that the house was entirely filled with the comical looking birds.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 8:39 PM [edit] 

Sunday, January 06, 2002
Did you know?...

* Recent top stories

posted by Gina Snowdoll 9:30 PM [edit] 

* Windy Pants.

Health Authorities in Wales have been pushed to almost breaking point over the last few days, caused by an influx of patients to the A and E departments, suffering with TPS (Tight Pant Syndrome).

A small lingerie shop in Wales, Pants and That, have been selling pants that guarantee to flatten your stomach in any outfit, and have boasted record high sales prior to New Years Eve. Unfortunately these pants have an undesired side effect.

Dr Thurmanlong explains that "The pants are so tight on the stomach area, that when a person in them eats or drinks, the pants restrict the natural movement in the stomach. This causes the digestive system to break down, food and liquid then congeals to form a vacuum in the stomach. This in turns causes extreme and painful wind, often leaving pant wearers thinking that they have something rather sinister wrong, rather than just in need of a good release of flatulence."

The owner of Pants and That was questioned and issued the following statement " I cannot be held responsible for the wind problem currently in Wales. Most people will go to any lengths to look fantastic, and most agree that a sharp bout of wind is a small price to pay to wear a gorgeous outfit. Most of my customers are more embarrassed by the escape of air in public, than anything else. I will continue to sell the pants, but will warm potential buyers of the wind factor."

I was unable to interview any suffers at the hospital as they were all too embarrassed to admit that they had been rushed into hospital with wind.
posted by Karen 9:07 PM [edit] 

Saturday, January 05, 2002
Did you know?...

* The Department of Transport has announced that all car parking in England and Scotland is free today. Motorists do not have to 'pay', nor do they have to 'display'. In addition, all parking meters have been suspended and all double yellow lines may be ignored today.
In what some commentators are describing as grotesque prejudice, the population of Wales have been excluded from this scheme.
posted by blogger 9:33 AM [edit] 

* Anti-freeze for car radiators can make a healthy alternative to booze at your next social gathering. Cheaper than 'shop bought' alcoholic beverages, many of London's top night spots now serve anti-freeze to the capital's smart set.
A spokesman for Halfords said, "This is extremely irresponsible, and total clap-trap"
posted by blogger 9:27 AM [edit] 

* Cheery pop vocalist Robbie Williams is to record a tribute album, dedicated to the songs of The Police. Containing hits like 'Don't Stand So Close To Me', 'Roxanne' and 'Message In A Bottle, the album promises to be a huge success.
"Sting When You're Grinning" will be released on April 1st.
posted by blogger 9:21 AM [edit] 

Friday, January 04, 2002
Did you know?...

* Off Ewe Geau
Outcry as France sends sheep packing
Sheep, being evicted from France yesterday
Sheep being evicted from France, yesterday

The people of France have decided that enough is enough and that all sheep within its borders must go. "We have had enough of these freeloading sheep living off the state and eating our delicious grass," said a random french person in a ridiculously fake-sounding french accent yesterday.

A spokes-ram for the soon-to-be-exiled sheep commented that "Well, we're not staying where we're not wanted. We're bloody going, mate. We're going to give Spain a wide berth though; they'll most likely introduce sheep-fighting as I hear there's something of a bull shortage at the moment, so it could be dodgy. Nah, we're off to Italy... much cooler place, much more laid back. We're going to ride around on scooters and hang out in all the trendiest places. And eat pizza. Ciao!"
posted by Gina Snowdoll 2:36 PM [edit] 

* Electro-popsters Depeche Mode are planning to visit Amsterdam soon for the start of Spring. But not to worry, singer David Gahan is not planning another drug-fuelled binge of excess, sex and craziness. Instead, using the very latest in digital technology and state-of-the-art recording equipment, the lads from Basildon plan to record the famous tulips as they actually grow. Knob-twiddler Andrew Fletcher explains, "We're going to sample to sounds that the tulips actually make as they grow. And then we've got a choice: We could speed up these sounds, as obviously the flowers grow quite slowly, and use them as the basis for a new album. Or else we could record a really long album. We've not decided yet."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 2:01 PM [edit] 

* Orange Squeezing.

Slavicknob Fladderick is offering a unique service to fellow Russians this new year.

He is supplying fresh orange juice to those affected by food wars, and who have never had the opportunity to taste this before.

The participant simply has to hold a glass in between Slavicknob's legs whilst he gently squeezes the oranges in his thighs. Unfortunately, all the sex starved women in Russia have been hearing of this mans mighty thighs, and the local police were called in to carry out crowd control as things got alittle out of hand yesterday.

Slavicknob said that he will not be deterred and will continue to squeeze.

posted by Karen 12:19 PM [edit] 

Thursday, January 03, 2002
Did you know?...

* Jamie tops best Brickie's Mate poll
Naked Chef Jamie Oliver has been voted the top celebrity people would like to have help them build a brick wall, but Britney Spears and Cher were seen as most people's idea of a brickie's mate from hell.

"I reckon Jamie would be the ideal brickie's mate," a man in the street told us earlier today. "He'd be on hand to go fetch the tea, and make sandwiches, and I bet he'd be dead good at mixing cement. And he'd be saying 'what's all this wall malarkey?' and 'you muppet' and all the cockney lingo and that, and it'd be a great laugh."

However the suggestion of Britney and Cher as Brickie's mates caused howls of derision.

"Britney? You gotta be joking. She's far too much of a primadonna, she'd be no use. And if she did actually lift a finger, she'd most likely set all the bricks down wonky-like, and then she'd giggle 'Oops, I did it again'. She'd be unbearable. And as for Cher, you couldn't trust her. She'd be running off with the cement trowel looking for a plastic surgeon."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 2:05 PM [edit] 

* Les appeals to the needs of gourmet sheep
Entertainer and impressionist Les Dennis in a shock announcement today has announced that he is to leave showbusiness. "I want to devote myself completely, a full 100%, to my other business," he explained, "which is running a Sheep restaurant in Hartlepool."
Les Dennis, proprietor of the World's first restaurant for sheep

Les's restauarant was the first of its kind, fulfilling - as he sees it - a gap in the market. "I was always astounded by the lack of good quality eating establishments for sheep. Come to think of it, I don't believe there were even any bad quality establishments of this sort. The ovine community was being poorly represented in this whole area, so I decided that I wasn't going to sit back and let this sorry state of affairs continue."

Mr Dennis's restaurant boasts a menu featuring over 400 varieties of grass, and, says Les, coach parties are welcome if they book in advance. (Sheep only. Lambs welcome. No goats.) See local press for details.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 1:33 PM [edit] 

* Feta makes your Better.
Swedish man Hubert Gorgonknocker has made an amazing discovery whilst attempting to raise money for charity.

Hubert smothered his body in Feta cheese and lay on a rubber lilo for 24 hours to raise money for the charity "light bulbs for the poor".

Once he had completed the 24 hours, he started to remove the cheese and noticed how soft and clean his skin was underneath the cheese. He then ran naked to his best friend and brother, both of who had a good rub on his new silky smooth skin, and agreed he was indeed the softest man ever.

Hubert wife said that she was impressed with his baby soft skin, but wished that her husband would stop offering free rubs to all and sundry.

posted by Karen 12:27 PM [edit] 

* Eastenders Star to present Film 2002
The BBC have a new presenter in mind, arguably the best-loved actor in the hit soap Eastenders, to take over from Jonathan Ross on the movie review show Film 2002 (formerly Film 2001, Film 2000, Film 99, Film 98, etc).

Wellard, yesterdaySubject to agreement, as of next month we could well be seeing Wellard (Robbie's dog) hosting the programme. Whether or not he will be a presenter of the calibre of Barry Norman, who presented the show from 1873 right through to 1998 when Jonathan Ross took over, remains to be seen.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 12:02 PM [edit] 

Wednesday, January 02, 2002
Did you know?...

* Unrest on the couch.

NEWSFLASH.... It has been exclusively reported that a rift bigger than the cushions themselves, is being caused on the early morning sofa between Fern and John, the morning favourites since Richard and Judy left.

Just prior to Christmas the ITV1 telephone lines were bombarded with calls complaining that John never appeared to be "really with it" or awake in the first hour of the morning shows.

In a desperate effort to keep the fans happy, the production crew came up with a cunning plan. Now, whilst John is having his make up done, Fern bursts into the same room to get her layers applied. John was quoted as saying "the very sight of her first thing is enough to wake anyone up, but all my karma is in a whirl and the shock is just too much on a daily basis".

Ferns agents issued a statement by the star "Well, he is no oil painting before all his foundation goes on you know. Some mornings he doesn't even speak, he just groans".

It has been reported that the production crew are now attempting to make an invisible screen to go between the feuding pair on the couch.

Johns agent released this statement moments ago "I told him that the Wheel of Fortune was dodgy, but at least he had top totty on that show".
posted by Karen 8:20 PM [edit] 

* Curly-haired Jonathan Creek actor Alan Davies has only just mastered the art of walking backwards. "I've been trying to learn for years," he told us in an accidental interview in which he thought we were from the Radio Times. "Now, I can do all those crazy walking backwards stunts, like stepping back in amazement, y'know, in mock surprise... that kind of thing. And when I next go ice-skating I'm going to have a go at that skating backwards with me bum sticking out thing that's so popular."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 1:35 PM [edit] 

* Former Bergerac star John Nettles has the distinction of being the only celebrity to have had a bowl of Weetabix named after him. "It really is an honour," said the actor yesterday in a ceremony at St Helier in Jersey, "I can't begin to tell you how much this means to me."

The bowl of Weetabix can currently be seen at the museum in St Helier, and as of next month it will be making a tour of the UK's art galleries and exhibition centres. See local press for details.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 1:17 PM [edit] 

* The orange-tailed hook-billed cockatoo of Fiji is the only bird outside of captivity that exists solely on a diet of pancakes. These wily birds steal all the necessary ingredients, mix them together with their clawed feet, and then they fry the pancakes in the sun on the shells of basking turtles.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 1:03 PM [edit] 

* In a spookily weird coincidence, twelve-year old Aleksander Chernyshev from Smolensk, a town to the west of Moscow, was playing in the street with a deflated toy balloon and a dead grasshopper when he became aware of a small object rapidly moving towards him. Picking it up he discovered it to be a clockwork mouse, and taped to its back was a note from his cousin Natascha, who lives over 75,000 miles away in the town of Blagoveshchensk. It is believed that the clockwork toy had travelled the entire distance uninterrupted. In her note, Natascha, 9, had explained that before setting the mouse off on its way, she had been winding its key continuously for thirteen weeks. It is a tribute to Russian engineering that the spring in the toy mouse was able to withstand such punishment.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 12:53 PM [edit] 

Tuesday, January 01, 2002
Did you know?...

Happy 1939 from The Liar
Happy New Year from The Liar
Following yesterday's freak disaster in which all the world's chronologists and calendarists were tragically killed, and in the ensuing chaos that this has inevitably brought upon us, we would like to wish you a very good, happy and prosperous 1939.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 4:57 PM [edit] 


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