Geri Halliwel has moved to quash rumours that she intends to marry Osama bin Laden. In a statement, her publcist Max Clifford told The Liar that 'The recent video showing the immobilisation of Osama bin Laden's right hand hand is not in any way connected to any photographs or letters my client may have sent, nor should this be taken as a signal of any romantic connection between them.' In a later statement however, Ms. Halliwell stated that she does not wish this to be taken as a perjorative statement against non-terrorist beardy blokes, especially David Bellamy who she really fancies.
posted by Jon 11:36 PM
Hotel Collapse Kills Chronologists and Calendarists In a freak disaster this afternoon, all the delegates at a hastily convened joint meeting of the World Conference of Chronologists and the International Association of Calendarists have died. It is believed that all of the chronologists and calendarists in the whole world were present, and that there are no survivors. A UN spoeksperson on the scene, Mr CIA Crewcut, siad "This is a freak disaster. There have been false reports made by members of the public suggesting that there was a loud explosion just before the hotel collapsed. This is plainly untrue. There is no linkage whatsoever between the events today, and the press release a few days back saying that January 1st is not New Years' Day".
posted by Tamsin 8:41 PM
Sunday, December 30, 2001
Where are they now? John Noakes, the beloved former Blue Peter presenter famous for his catchphrase "Get down, Shep!", can frequently be seen at Dudley Zoo, hosing down the llamas.
"We've asked him to stop", said the Director of the zoo, "I mean, it's not even as if he's employed here. But he keeps turning up with his hose and will insist on giving the llamas a bloody good drenching."
Mr Noakes is quoted as having said, "Those llamas... Have you smelt them?"
posted by Gina Snowdoll 5:13 PM
Geordie duo to join Coronation Street cast
In a bold move, Granada - the makers of the popular television soap series Coronation Street, have decided to bring back a much-loved character from the show's history in an attempt to boost ratings and win back viewers from BBC1's Eastenders.
So, in early 2002, the character of Percy Sugden will be returning to the street. The community hall caretaker Percy, formerly portrayed by veteran actor the late Bill Waddington, was famously known for being a cantankerous old git and a general busybody.
Percy's return to the street, will see him played by Ant and Dec, who will portray the character in an entirely new light. "You can't follow what dear ol' Bill did with the character," explained Dec, "so, we're not going to try to copy him at all. We're going to play Percy in our own special way."
"Indeed," added Ant, "we're going to play him as a two-headed space alien. He will have access to a space-time machine which is situated in the snug of the Rover's Return, and will be accompanied by various members of the Coronation Street cast on adventures on alien planets, battling against monsters and hideous space lizards."
"...and robots." chipped in Dec.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 12:37 PM
Saturday, December 29, 2001
In an exclusive interview with Belinda Carlisle, the sultry singer and one-time member of all girl band The Go Go's, she revealed exclusively to us at The Liar that she doesn't like peas. "I just can't abide them," she said. "They make me want to puke."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 4:36 PM
Rock'n'roll pensioner Rod Stewart just loves this time of year. "I collect snow," he told us, "so whenever it starts snowing I'm out the back with jam jars and thermos flasks trying to catch as much of it as possible. And if we're lucky enough to have the snow actually settle on the ground I just shovel it straight into the deep freeze, which is on casters so I can wheel it outside in such an event."
Stewart has jars of snow from all around the world in his collection. "Fans send me the stuff. I've got snow from the French Alps, Switzerland, Canada, Norway, Austria, the Antarctic, USA... oh... all over the place. I'm really surprised but at the same time humbled at the length that some of my fans will go to. To have snow sent overseas in a temperature-controlled container doesn't come cheaply you know. Still, it's allowed me to create this wonderful snow museum. And I've also got this entire room full of snow in my luxury mansion. It's great for, y'know, building snowmen and having snowball fights with the wife an' that."
"My ambition is to have my own ski-slope... not one of these fake so-called 'dry-slopes', but one made completely of real snow. I think it'll have to most likely be indoors so that we can control the temperature to stop the snow melting. But yeah, that's what I was aiming for. I was talking to Ronnie Wood the other day, and he reckons that I should go for the entire tobogan run, but then he always was a bit of a lad for the old sledge, and I suppose he's just going for bigger and bigger thrills."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 4:29 PM
The Disney Corporation has agreed to make amends following the blatant errors in the live action version of the movie 101 Dalmatians. "Despite the fact that the movie was released five years ago," a Disney spokesmouse told us, "we have been receiving upto 200 letters of complaint daily about the inaccuracies contained within the movie. The nature of these complaints is concerning the wildlife of the United Kingdom. It seems that there are no racoons or skunks living in the wild in Britain, despite our portrayal of such creatures in the film."
"Most of these complaints have been sent from one Brian Anchovy, who argues that the out of place racoons are simply not funny. He suggests a greater role for the native badger, of which he has written at great length, telling us that not only is it not the same as the American badger, but that it is infinitely more amusing."
So, just how do Disney plan on correcting the errors concering the fauna of the United Kingdom?
"Well, obviously a re-shoot is going to be out of the question," we were told. "What we are going to do instead, is to introduce racoons and skunks to the countryside of Britain, thereby making the film accurate."
The first tanker load of 10,000,000 skunks is already on its way, with the second tanker containing racoons expected by early February.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 11:54 AM
Friday, December 28, 2001
New Year's Day Not January 1st. The World Conference of Chronologists and the International Association of Calendarists yesterday made a joint announcement to the World Press. "Following information received several years ago, we investigated claims that we have got the date of New Years' Day wrong. After extensive research, we have found, much to our own shock and dismay, that the claim is indeed correct. New Years' Day is not in fact on January 1st as we have always believed, but is really the 4th of August. We are in the process of amending all the diaries and calendars throughout the world to reflect this." A spokesperson for the United Nations is reported to have been heard saying to a group of businessmen in a Manhattan bar "Don't worry - we've put a gag on the press to stop them reporting this. Nobody will ever know that we've f****d up for all these years. The CIA are rounding up all of those pillock Calendarists and Chronogol...chronostic.... whotsits and they'll never talk again."
In a surprise statement earlier today, Santa Claus a.k.a. Father Christmas, has announced that he "...really can't be arsed this year. I'm going to stay in on Christmas Eve, have a few drinks and watch the telly for a change." When asked what all the children would do without their presents, he added, "...blowed if I know. Let 'em go play with a box of matches. Or something. Look lady, I dunno why you're talking to me anyway, I'm not real, y'know."
And you know what, folks? He's right!
(There's a first... something TRUE on The Liar)
posted by Gina Snowdoll 10:08 AM
Ban on the tinned beef
Anyone caught eating tinned corned beef on christmas day will be beaten with an old shoelace by the tinned food minister, Miss Yackershack.
posted by Karen 9:27 AM
Sunday, December 23, 2001
In 1974, the day after Christmas Day was named Boxing Day by the United Nations, to commemorate the 'Rumble In The Jungle' World Heavyweight title bout, between Muhammed Ali and Smokin' Joe Frazier.
posted by blogger 9:05 AM
Saturday, December 22, 2001
In its first major piece of research since its takeover by News International, the British Medical Council announced yesterday that there is a strong causal link between reading books and cancer. A spokesman added 'we suspect this happens because, although the high radioactive content of long words and sentences has a tendency to be absorbed by pictures, in big books with long words and no pictures this cannot happen. These kind of books are very dangerous.' In a statement yesterday, Tony Blair said he was taking the report 'very seriously.'
posted by Jon 1:53 PM
Friday, December 21, 2001
"Church is simply not funny any more", says Mr Brian Anchovy of Kidderminster. "All that monotonous gloomy dirge-like singing. And those women in big white dresses and veils who start crying when someone tries to jolly things along a bit. I mean, when the vicar asked if anyone knows of any reason why this couple, blah blah blah something, holy matrimony... well... I ask you! Some people just can't take a joke."
"Still it could be worse. Mausoleums are awful places. Totally devoid of humour. Once again, there I was, putting me best foot forward, looking on the bright side of life and all that. I mean, all I did was an impression of Bruce Forsyth, y'know, the old conveyor belt gag... Alright my love, keep remembering, and everything you can name that you saw on the old conveyor belt tonight you can take home with you. You've got sixty seconds..."
"OK, so I'm not the best impressionist, although I do a cracking Frank Spencer. But still, it was no reason for the police to get involved."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 2:44 PM
Jamie Oliver has been caught out by a nosy neighbour. Harry Pottingshed, 59, has been observing the famous TV chef and Sainsbury's mascot using a pair of high powered binoculars. "It's an activity that I enjoy," explained Mr Pottingshed, "and it keeps me out of the wife's way. I've been observing Mr Oliver for close on two years now, and I've found out his little secret. All those trips out to the garden. What he does is he picks dandelion leaves, and dock leaves, and stinging nettles. Passes them off as herbs in his cookery programme. It's just a load of old weeds."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 2:36 PM
Toads in Socks
It has now been confirmed that there have now been several sightings of Toads in socks at the Toad Sanctuary in Wiltshire.
Dr Flockpop, an expert in Toad behaviours, has suggested that the abnormal behaviour has been bought about by the cold snap.
Toad enthusiasts are now blocking the main road into the sanctuary trying to get a photo of this unusual event.
posted by Karen 2:14 PM
Thursday, December 20, 2001
"Tinned carrots just aren't funny," bemoans self proclaimed Emperor of Mirth, Mr Brian Anchovy of Kidderminster. "I was in Sainsbury's only this last Tuesday, in the tinned veg aisle. You know what? I stood there for three quarters of an hour watching those tinned carrots. They didn't make me laugh even once. So, what I did then was to attach little bow ties and party hats to the tins, and I hung up a few streamers, y'know, really hilarious rib-tickling stuff. Well, it would have been in any other circumstances... but not in this instance. I didn't hear a titter nor a smirk from any of the other customers in the shop, and to be quite honest, those tinned carrots looking all festive like, didn't even raise a smile from Yours Truly. I just can't work with poor material like this. As I said to the security guard as he led me outside, tinned carrots just ain't funny."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 4:32 PM
Cupcakes: A Warning Cupcakes are being recalled from shops all over Britain following rumours that they could be highly dangerous. "This is something that has only just come to light," explained a Scientist from the Ministry of Cake. "We haven't ascertained exactly what the problem is just yet, but we have received several reports concerning cupcakes that are quite plainly disturbing. Well, when I say several, I mean, errr... one. But that's not a reason to be complacent. We just can't take the risk."
Mrs Betty Costermonger from Leeds told us, "I bought a pack of six cherry bakewells, and what I did so as my Norman wouldn't scoff the lot, the greedy pig that he is sometimes, what I did was I hid them on top of the wardrobe in the spare bedroom. Well, you could have knocked me down with a feather when six years later the hinge of that wardrobe door developed a squeak. It just would not go away. Terrible noise. And that's too much of a coincidence for me to countenance. I mean, six cupcakes... six years. Don't tell me that there isn't a connection there."
Meanwhile, a spokesman from the Ministry of Cake has advised the people of Britain to: "Approach any cupcake - or suspected cupcake - with extreme caution. Whatever you do, do not touch the cake. The best policy would be to steer well clear. And dial 999."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 1:37 PM
Airport of Doom and Gloom Luton Airport has been declared a "sense of humour black-hole". It is allegedly such a depressing and soul-destroying place that any sense of fun in the hearts of those visiting is drained away in an instant. "I've put it to the test," we were told by a Mr Brian Anchovy, a retired plumber from the lovely town of Kidderminster. "By way of experiment, I spent the whole of last Wednesday afternoon wandering around Luton airport, wearing a brightly coloured novelty tie, and with a packet of salmon fishcakes strapped to my head. And I didn't hear one cry of laughter, not one chuckle. Not a titter. Just miserable looking people glaring moodily. If they could be bothered to look at all. Some people are so self-absorbed, that it makes you wonder why they bother living alongside their fellow man, and don't just go and become hermits, living in a cave or something."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 1:24 PM
Withdrwal of Dairylea
It has been announced that the tubs of Dairylea will be removed from supermarket fridges in the New Year.
This is as a result of a market survey of children who described the famous spread as being like "white bats poo".
posted by Karen 1:21 PM
Cleethorpes Pier is the first structure of its kind to have been given a recording contract. An A&R person for the EMI record company said, "It's English seaside, it's kitsch, it's happening, it's candy floss and kiss-me quick hats... it's the next big thing, and EMI are here first, giving the kids what they want before they know they want it."
The pier's debut single is expected to be released in the New Year.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 1:09 PM
Liver -v- Paxo
Due to the shortage of Paxo stuffing in a remote village of Northern China, the villagers have come up with a very unusual way of deciding who will get one of the sacred boxes.
At 11am tomorrow, those wishing to get a box of stuffing, will meet in the village park, armed with a giant slice of liver.
Villagers will then pair off and slap each other round the face with the liver until one surrenders.
The head of the village said that he had this idea in the hope that there is a poor turnout so that he gets extra boxes to feed his 37 children. He said that he could not see many of the villagers wishing to partake in the event.
posted by Karen 9:42 AM
Wednesday, December 19, 2001
BBC News is reporting that renegade stoats may have infiltrated the Weasel Alliance, and may be behind the disturbance in Monaco.
posted by blogger 4:43 PM
In a daring move to ease traffic congestion, the Government has announced that from January 1st, only white or blue cars will be allowed on the roads on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
posted by blogger 4:39 PM
Flash News: Weasels declare war on Monaco. A spokesman for the principality of Monaco today disclosed that they have received a declaration of war against them by the Weasel Alliance. "We presume that they are trying to get hold of our casinos, although there is a possibility they are after properties close to the Grand Prix circuit. After all, it is well known that weasels are very keen motor racing fans."
A spokesweasel has not been found for comment at this point in time.
posted by Tamsin 4:29 PM
The irritating and unfunny Tory comedian Bob Monkhouse (or Bonk Mobhouse as friends like to call him) is little remembered for his pivotal role in the design of the paper clip back in 1923.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 11:58 AM
The humble pigeon, too often dismissed as a "flying rat", is in fact one of the most intelligent creatures on the planet. Not only does it possess exemplary navigational skills and homing instincts, but was also the originator of the concept of putting croutons in soup.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 10:53 AM
Louis Pasteur may well have invented pasteurisation - the process by which wine, beer and milk is heated up to 55°C to kill micro-organisms - but it was his brother Sokko the Clown who suggested that it might be a good idea to heat them up separately and not all in the same pan.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 8:34 AM
Tuesday, December 18, 2001
...and in the red corner, we have Prunella Scales - the old battleaxe from the Tesco adverts, and in the blue corner, it's the Naked Chef himself - Jamie Oliver representing Sainsbury's...
Prunella Scales has thrown down the gauntlet to Jamie Oliver and has challenged him to a fight, "to the death, if need be", to decide once and for all who is Britain's Best Loved Celebrity in a Supermarket Advertising Campaign. Although at the time of writing Jamie has not made an official statement to the press, he is reported to have responded, "I don't need any of this kind of malarkey, do I? What you need, to calm yourself down, Pru... can I call you Pru? ... what you need is is some nice herbs. Look, I've got some lovely Basil..."
This appears to have incensed Ms Scales even further, as reports state that she screamed "Basil?!?!!" at an ear-numbingly deafening volume.
More news on this story as and when it comes in. Meanwhile, the sarcastic woman from the Somerfield's commercials is quoted as saying, "Well that's bleeding brilliant, isn't it?"
posted by Gina Snowdoll 4:50 PM
In other cracker news, Jacobs have today announced that due to the rising cost of ingredients that they are withdrawing cream crackers from their product range and will be replacing them with milk crackers. A high-ranking cracker executive informed us that, "We are aware of the unfounded worries concerning dairy products following the outbreak of Foot and Mouth disease in the UK earlier this year, and accordingly our new range of Milk Crackers will be made not using cow's milk, but with milk from chimpanzees, just to be on the safe side."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 4:14 PM
I have been informed that all crackers will be withdrawn from Tesco shelves after a terrible mix up.
An enthusiastic YTS worker has inadvertently sent the wrong Christmas crackers gifts to the wrong cracker producing firms in September this year.
The mistake was discovered when Prunella Scales contacted Tesco insisting that she made another Christmas ad in light of the fact that Tesco appear to have put solid gold jewelry in their crackers this year.
Anyone who has already purchased Tesco crackers has been asked to contact their store to arrange returning them, preferably prior to them being pulled.
posted by Karen 3:01 PM
Smart-suited Angus Deayton presenter of the BBC TV show Have I Got News For You has confessed that he is actually a marsupial, and like the wallaby, the koala and the possum, he has a pouch which is where he allegedly keeps his Barclaycard. Also, when excited, he has been known to hop like a kangaroo, but as he rarely gets excited this is a phenomenon that few can bear witness to.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 2:01 PM
Man Bites Dog!!! It has come to our attention that there is a possibility that somewhere in the world today, a man may have bitten a dog.
posted by Tamsin 11:55 AM
Louis Pasteur (1822-1895), inventor of pasteurisation (the process by which wine, beer and milk is heated up to 55°C to kill micro-organisms), and discoveror of a vaccination for rabies, was also the proud owner of the first and only bicycle made completely out of cheese.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 11:44 AM
Shampoo manufacturers worry about conflicting dandruff laws. A spokesman for one of the major brands of anti-dandruff shampoo has revealed that his company has filed an anti-trust suit against the State of Minnesota. "Making it illegal to walk through the streets of Minnesota unless you suffer from dandruff is a violation of our rights to sell highly priced cosmetic products in this state. We only sell anti-dandruff shampoo, so this law effectively means that we will not be able to sell any products here. It's totally un-American."
posted by Tamsin 11:39 AM
As of the 1st January 2002, it will be an offence to walk through the streets of Minnesota if you do not suffer from dandruff.
posted by Tamsin 11:25 AM
As of the 1st January 2002, it will be an offence to walk through the streets of Ohio if you suffer with dandruff.
posted by Karen 10:07 AM
Monday, December 17, 2001
Where Are They Now? Former Blue Peter presenter Valerie Singleton is currently working in Macclesfield as a freelance squirrel detective, where she handles a multitude of squirrel-related cases such as missing squirrels, red vs grey disputes, "Who stole my acorns?", and all that sort of thing.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 2:30 PM
Wailing songstress Mariah Carey admits that she has a deep-seated fear of sellotape. "Horrible long sticky strippy stuff," she shuddered. This somewhat unusual phobia means that the coming festive season is a time of potential misery for poor Mariah. "Fans often send me presents," she explained, "beautifully gift-wrapped presents, but so often they are sealed using... that.. stuff. I can't bring myself to go near these gifts for fear of what might be holding the wrapping in place, so I have to employ someone to open my presents for me. I so wish people would use string."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 2:07 PM
Brian Blessed, who was nominated for the award of Best Actor who can SHOUT A LOT AND BLUFF HIS WAY THROUGH A SCRIPT BEING GENERALLY VERY LOUD AND CRASHING ABOUT MAKING AS MUCH UNNECESSARY NOISE AS POSSIBLE at this year's Oscars*, has revealed that he is descended from Yeti, hence his interest in mountaineering, and will be spending Christmas this year with his folks in the Himalayas.
* He didn't win in this category, despite the fact that he was the only nominee. "We didn't want to give him an excuse to get excited and shout some more by way of a thank you speech," said an Oscars spokesperson.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 1:39 PM
Ronan gets the bird
Ronan: "flocks of marauding geese were a big problem in Dublin"
Irish heart-throb singer Ronan Keating admits that he first took up singing as a form of self defence against geese. "We used to have a really big goose problem in Dublin," the singer told us. "Flocks of geese roaming the streets, chasing people... they'd even have to cheek to invade the pubs and they'd be eating all the crisps, and dipping their beaks into folks' pints of Guinness. Only thing that'd scare them off was singing. And dancing. They hated it. Which was why we formed Boyzone in the first instance. We were a peace keeping force against the geese. We never thought that the music industry would sit up and take notice of us. We were just interested in saving people's lives."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 10:45 AM
EXCLUSIVE - Pointed shoes ban...
I have just received an anonymous call from a large department store claiming that posters are currently being printed to advise customers that POINTED shoes are now banned over the Christmas period.
This radical action has come about as an old lady suffered a terrible puncture wound to her left ankle from a lady in her early 30's wearing "ridiculously" pointed shoes. The store manager cannot be named and shamed for his own safety.
It is rumored that large indoor shopping centres will have specialist teams dispatched by mid week to keep a close eye on the footware of this years shoppers. Shoppers will be offered a pair of slippers to borrow if caught in unsuitable shoes, or simply asked to go home and change.
posted by Karen 9:30 AM
Late breaking news has revealed the acute shortage of toast. There have been reports of a number of scuffles at Sainsbury’s between staff and customers as staff tried to ration what little stocks they have. Jamie Oliver was unavailable for comment.
More news on this development when we pay the phone bill.
Ministers in Parliament yesterday threw out a proposed bill to make air taxable after a back bench revolt in which 27 MP’s held their breath, turned blue and passed out.
posted by Sherri 11:51 AM
Documents recently found in the back of a London taxi have revealed some startling truths about the Tory ex-prime minister John Major. According to these confidential papers John Major was actually a glove puppet under the control of Matthew Corbett for the entire time he was in office. Mr Corbett, the sidekick to popular entertainer Sooty, was often seen accompanying them on official engagements. Other documents point to a covered up scandal involving a ‘menage a` tois’ between Major, Sweep and Sue. This was confirmed in one document, with a statement by a cleaner at No10 who caught John Major wearing Sue’s clothes and sitting on Sweeps lap.
The Liar tried to approach Michael Portillo for his views on the matter but were unable to contact him as he is currently on location starring in a new series of Thunderbirds.
The government this week announced plans to force some high profile companies to merge thus increasing productivity and increasing profits. The first of these imposed mergers will be Railtrack which will merge with laxative maker Ex-Lax to form Railax, in an attempt to help the trains run on time. The government monopolies commission have also put a block the attempted buy out of the Virgin group by the Vatican. Sources in Rome have said that Pope John RuPaul was very annoyed at the block and was heard to say ‘That’s a bitch’ while he was applying his mascara. Richard ‘mad as a balloon’ Branson was unavailable for comment having been stranded in one his trains on a siding near Liverpool for the last 2 weeks.
posted by Sherri 7:27 PM
Butchers and other shops selling meat products have reported a sharp rise in the sales of pork pies ever since The Liar went on-line with its nifty porkie pie graphics.
Supermarkets have also reported increased sales of toilet paper.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 5:09 PM
Astronomers will be watching the skies over the U.K. tonight, as the Mentirosa comet hurtles past within five miles of the planet. This comet with it's trailing meteor storm only passes through our solar system every 33 billion years. It can easily be identified by the naked eye, as the meteors are known as the 'Ricky Martin' constellation due to their remarkable resemblance to the Latino hipster.
posted by blogger 11:47 AM
Julia's Robots We can exclusively reveal freaky Hollywood actress Julia Roberts' latest movie role will be a guest appearance in Star Wars Episode II. "To begin with," she told us, "George Lucas wanted me to do a walk-on part. And I said no-way! I think I deserve something more worthwhile than that, I told them. Then they told me I was going to be playing a robot, and I said, well if I'm going to be playing a robot, I'll do it my way, and very kindly, I thought, I re-wrote the script for the poor dears. They didn't have a clue."
In the revised script Julia plays a lady robot, J00L1-A, who's been badly treated by her master, Jabba the Hutt, and ends up running away, whereupon she is set upon by jawas and taken back to their big vehicle thingy. There she meets her love interest, fellow captive C3P0, and the two of them plot their escape, aided and abetted by C3P0's sidekick R2D2. After various other trials and tribulations, the intrepid droids return to civilsation, and for some reason J00L1-A has to pass herself off as a sexy singing droid in a swanky nightclub, so our mechanical heroes have to knock out the dents in her body, and polish her up so that she's sparkling and gorgeous, and make her look the part.
And then there's the scene where she's singing in the club and in comes Jabba, her former master, and all sorts of chaos ensues, and there's this big fight scene and it looks like Jabba is going to kill her, and it's all really scary, but R2D2 saves with day. With a laser device. Or a light sabre. Or something.
And then J00L1-A realises it was R2D2 that she loved all along, but feels really awful that she's going to have to reject C3P0. But he tells her, somewhat awkwardly that he's gay, and that it's not really a big deal her getting hitched to R2D2 and that he'll love her always as a friend. And then the whole thing ends with a 'droid wedding with wookie bridesmaids. And ewoks. And everything is all lovely and wonderful. The End.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 11:45 AM
Extensive investigation by undercover reporter Sherri Fairchild has revealed a hotbed of murder, corruption and blackmail. She has spent the last month undercover of a duvet investigating a protection racket perpetrated by the Whelkifosia.
Don Mollusc Shrimpony, the head of the organisation has been arrested on charges of murder, perverting the course of justice, kidnapping and fraud. This stems from certain monies missing from the Crustacean workers union fund and the discovery of empty oyster shells in a black sack behind Don Mollusc’s London restruant.
The star witness, a Mr Oyster who was Don Mollusc’s accountant, suddenly withdrew his statement to police last week while they were preparing to arrest Don Mollusc. When questioned by the investigating officer, detective inspector Harry Prawn why he withdrew his statement he simply clammed up and refused to comment. It was then believed that his wife Pearl had in fact been kidnapped and was being held in a remote rock pool off the Dorset coast. It did however transpire that Mrs Oyster had gone out one night to a disco and pulled a Mussel. Mr Oyster has since been relocated abroad to a remote puddle and given a new identity.
Racecourse officials today announced that owing to the increase in the size of hats at Royal Ascot they would be employing a team of special security Giraffes next year. The Giraffes will police the size of hats and any hat over 12 inches in diameter will be eaten to the regulation 12 inches. Giraffes are especially suited to this task as they not only have the height to see clearly the size of hats but are also renowned for the their millinery skills. Officials have said that this will stop the problems of other race goers being decapitated when the large hat wearers turn round suddenly, a problem that was only to evident this year when one lady had too much champagne and decapitated the entire royal enclosure while dancing to the birdie song.
posted by Sherri 10:27 AM
It was revealed today that page 3 babe Jordan is really Lord Lucan. Lucan having disappeared some years ago was also linked with the disappearance of the racehorse Shergar at the time, many believing the pair were madly in love and had in fact eloped to darkest Peru where they were enjoying a champagne lifestyle together.
After extensive police investigation involving hundreds of cups of tea and bacon sandwiches, along with a specialist veterinary examination it has been discovered that Jordan’s, aka Lucan’s considerably enhanced assets are in fact Shergar’s buttocks. When questioned by police Lucan aka Jordan broke down and admitted that it was true and about time she got it off her chest. When asked why she did it she was quoted as saying “I always wanted to be out in front and Shergar was the obvious choice, innit”. A police spokesman gave her a 4-5 odds on chance to serve at least 5 years at Aintree. Jordan is currently in hiding in a stable somewhere in Dwight Yorks back garden, pending the outcome of the CPS review of evidence.
In a follow up to Gina Snowdoll's report that 'cushions are illegal in China', Chinese authorities today announced that pillows and bean bags are to be banned as people were using them as cushions. A spokesperson for the Chinese government was reported as saying "The Chinese are wery inscrutable people and mostly eat flied lice". Further comment was curtailed when they realised the Liar had made a reverse charge call.
posted by Sherri 9:58 AM
Microsoft today announced its new anti-virus solution at a press conference in a shed somewhere in Scunthorpe. They have over the last 15 years been developing what they believe will put an end to all computer viruses. This new and innovative solution comes in the form of a floppy disk made entirely from penicillin and you simply leave it in your floppy drive all the time. A spokesman for IBM said that they wished they had thought of it first but they will shortly announce details of an inhaler for noisy PC fans.
posted by Sherri 12:58 AM
Friday, December 14, 2001
"Earthquakes? What earthquakes?" commented Major Clanger today. Experts discount this testimony, as Major Clanger does not live on Earth and is only knitted, anyway.
posted by Melanie 3:33 PM
which was more than Shaking Seth from Emmerdale could say who has his own earthquake every day.
A third man, said he couldn't possibly comment on the situation vis a vis the frequency of earthquakes, because he had mastered the art of levitation.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 1:55 PM
Earthquakes are becoming less frequent said another man who didn't keep falling over yesterday.
posted by Tamsin 1:02 PM
Earthquakes are becoming more frequent said a man who kept falling over yesterday.
posted by Jon 10:42 AM
Hairdresser of Emmerdale Star goes bankrupt.
The highly qualified hairdresser to Kathy from Emmerdale was filing for bankruptcy last night, as a direct result of Kathy being given the boot.
The stylist had not imagined in her wildest dreams that the star would eventually be asked to leave as years of ham acting took its toll on the public, and has been left with another ten years supply of bleach.
When I asked the stylist why it seemed that only the fringe and front sides of Kathy's hair were bleached, the stylist replied "well, she was the man eater of the show, so would you venture behind to touch up her roots?"
It is also not been confirmed that Seth has now stopped shaking with fear as he no longer worries that he will be Kathy's next victim.
posted by Karen 9:58 AM
Coconuts only grew hair when they got shipped out of the sun and over to Britain in the winter.
Up until then, they were almost hairless.
posted by Karen 9:45 AM
Thursday, December 13, 2001
Movie star Tom Cruise, who is definitely not gay by the way, has an unusual but non-homosexual orientated hobby. The heterosexual star collects man-hole covers. "People often accuse me of gross negligence," he complained. "They say to me, 'You can't just take those man-hole covers and leave holes in the ground like that! It's irresponsible.' Well, of course I don't just leave the holes uncovered, what do people take me for? What I do is to take a few sheets from an old newspaper - a non-gay newspaper I hasten to add - and I sellotape them in position over the hole. See? Clever, huh? Nice 'n' tidy, like!"
posted by Gina Snowdoll 10:03 PM
Shipping Forecast will never be the same again
At 9:00 a.m. this morning the Met Office announced its controversial decision to sell off the rights to the names of the sea areas around the United Kingdom on a first come, first served basis, following a Government initiative to boost the economy. Media-seeking Hollywood stars, pop-stars and business companies alike seized upon this opportunity to immortalise their names, and within the hour, the Met Office had successfully completely sold out.
Up until today each of these sea areas had names such as Viking, Forties, Dogger, Bailey, Rockall, Shannon, Finistere, etc, but as from midnight tonight these shall be re-named after a clutch of ego-centric celebrities and big business concerns. Birdeye, famous for their fish-fingers were lucky to get their bid accepted for the sea area formerly known as Forth against rival bids from huge corporations such as Microsoft, IBM and AOL Time Warner, whilst rock star Sting said that he was "walking on the moon", such was his joy at securing the formerly-named Tyne.
Fishermen throughout the United Kingdom and Ireland are said to be "outraged", and many have said that they will no longer be tuning into the Shipping Forecast on Radio 4 if the Government Met Office insist on using the new names. "We'll broadcast our own," said one gnarled old fisherman this morning. "We're pooling our resources, and are going to set up our own pirate radio station especially for the shipping forecast, the way it was meant to be, using the traditional names. We can't be expected to learn all these new-fangled poncy celebrity names. We're too set in our ways, and besides we are proud of our heritage. You can't just sell it off to the highest bidder."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 1:44 PM
The Downing Street press office was forced to embark upon a wide ranging damage limitation exercise yesterday, after The Liar’s exclusive revelation that Tony Blair wets the bed. His spokesman, Alistair Campbell, stated that 'this does not in any way affect the Prime Minister's capacity to do his job. No, he never does those in bed.' However, Mr. Campbell's attempts to dismiss the revelation as 'irrelevant media tittle-tattle' were being generally regarded as disingenuous, given his attempts to deny the claim last week, saying that 'the Prime Minister merely suffers from severe night sweats.' Political analysts were claiming last night that 'Weegate' has not dampened the tension between Tony Blair and Gordon Brown. The Prime Minister was reported to be ‘furious’ after the Chancellor was spotted leaving No. 10 with a peg on his nose, which was regarded as ‘unhelpful.’ In a later development the Tory leader, Ian Someone-Smith, apparently said something or another on the issue.
posted by Jon 1:26 PM
Where Are They Now? Squeaky-voiced pocket-sized singer Jimmy Somerville is currently appearring as an onion in Sainsbury's fruit and veg section in one of Jamie Oliver's TV ads.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 9:34 AM
Tony Benn, the 76 year old former MP is to sign for Arsenal. Thought to be the long term replacement for Dennis Bergkamp, the left winger will sign on a free transfer this afternoon, Yahoo News announced this morning.
The Fabian Society for whom Benn played for 55 years said that they wished the free scoring forward well at his new club.
Arsenal supremo, Arsene Wenger, told waiting pressmen that although Benn would probably be used mainly to provide crosses for Thierry Henri and Kanu, he also felt that his new acquisition could be deployed 'in the hole' behind the strikers.
A press conference has been called at Highbury for 10.00 am this morning, when it is expected to be revealed that Benn has signed a five year contract with the Gunners
posted by blogger 7:09 AM
The world of mathematics was astounded yesterday, when Victoria Beckham announced that she has discovered a working proof of Goldbach's Conjecture. First posited in 1742, and popularly represented as: 'Every even number greater than two can be expressed as the sum of two primes,' it had been previously assumed that a proof might well be impossible. Beckham explained that: 'Me and David was trying to work out ways of totting up both our weekly clothing expenses at the same time, but it was only when David pointed it out that I realised what I'd done. He knew about the Goldbach thing from Alex Ferguson, who always has lots of problems with adding up big numbers.'
posted by Jon 12:16 AM
Wednesday, December 12, 2001
Security at the White House was placed on a level of high alert last night, when President George W. Bush went missing for a number of hours. 'We eventually found him asleep under a sofa,' a spokesman said later, adding that 'we think he probably crawled under there because it was warm, and then just kinda dozed off.'
posted by Jon 10:44 PM
Where Are They Now? Elton John, the folically-challanged fat git singer-songwriter, is down to his last couple of billion, so has resorted to appearring in a TV commercial for the Post Office... [wait a minute ... this is true ... quick, think of a lie...]Errrmmm... Although, the Elton that appears on our TV screens is in fact a left-over Spitting Image latex caricature, which has been making public and televised appearances in the place of the real Elton for the last twenty odd years. In fact, it is thought that the last time that Elton was seen as himself, was when he appearred as Jabba the Hutt in Return of the Jedi.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 10:30 PM
Where Are They Now? Leee Johns, flamboyant singer with early 80s hit band Imagination, is now cleaning windscreens at King's Cross.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 10:25 PM
Parsnips are also a con. They are just anemic carrots. Or occasionally carrots painted white. Which is why they taste so bad.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 10:20 PM
The Robin Redbreast is just a common or garden sparrow with a bit of red paint on it. It was the greeting cards companies that did it. "Oh no, we can't have a bleedin' sparrow on our Christmas cards," they said. "Needs to be more festive. There. Dash of red. That'll do the trick."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 10:19 PM
Flip flops are banned worldwide, according to a wildlife exclusive, anywhere near sea lions as the flipping flopping noise resembles the mating call of a male sea lion....
posted by Karen 8:13 PM
Reports are just reaching us that a Devonshire spring, where natural tangy marmalade comes bubbling through rock fissures from its source deep within the Earth's surface, is under Wildebeest occupation. More news on the day's dramatic turn of events as and when it comes in.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 4:41 PM
Government refuses to help refugees from Taunton A source in the Home Office has today revealed that the Government has no plans to help refugees fleeing the devastation caused to Taunton by the Wildebeest open-cast mining. "Serves them right, what with their silly yokel voices. Who gives a toss about Somerset anyway? said Mr Alistair Campbell, the Prime Minister.....'s spokesman. "That comment won't be published will it?"
The Mayor of Taunton retorted "This is a disgrace. Refusing to give us help, simply because we speak funny, just ain't on. Of course we regret ever allowing Mr Greaves to open the toast mine - if he hadn't, then the Wildebeest would never have kidnapped him and razed Taunton to the ground in the pursuit of cheap toast."
Jimmy Greaves is still missing.
posted by Tamsin 3:52 PM
Jimmy Greaves Kidnap Latest As promised, our intrepid reporter, Tamsin Piper, has produced photographic evidence of the dastardly plans of the Wildebeest Triads to kidnap Jimmy Greaves and take over his toast mines. The first picture captured footage of an advance party of crack Wildebeest special forces, reconnoitring the area around his toast mine in Somerset.
Later on, Tamsin risked life, limb and thermos flask to capture this distressing image of the environmnetal damage done by the force of crack open cast toast mining Wildebeest, to the town formerly known as Taunton.
As can be seen, the town has been totally flattened by these mining techniques.
Where Are They Now Extra A Liar contributor has seen with her own eyes Jimmy Greaves drinking on a nightly basis in the Bloomsbury area of London. Said Tamsin Piper "He's there every night pretty much, but claims he's really called Bobby something-or-other. He tells people that he works for BT, but we all know that really he's Jimmy. He's doing a great job keeping quiet about the toast mine though, probably to prevent the Wildebeest Triads from trying to kidnap him for his fortune." A photograph to prove this story will be available shortly.
Tamsin Piper is on her 103rd series of Blue Peter.
posted by Tamsin 2:14 PM
STOP PRESS A showbiz insider has leaked the following story to your intrepid reporters here at The Liar. Apparently superstar Hugh Grant will tonight make his large screen comeback on 'Stars In Their Eyes'. When asked what part he will be playing he replied 'Blow me if I know'.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 12:09 PM
Where Are They Now? Dudley Sutton, who played smelly old Tinker Dill in BBC TV's Lovejoy, is currently appearring in Las Vegas in a balloon bending act, making balloon animals, balloon carousels, and other inflatable miscellania. "Things are definitely looking up for me," he said yesterday, "and at last I've been able to put all that nasty business with the international sausage-smuggling cartel behind me."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 11:34 AM
Where Are They Now? Celebrated England footballer, and latterly sports broadcaster, Jimmy Greaves is currently the managing director and owner of a small but modestly successful toast mine in Somerset.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 9:40 AM
How we came to have the wonderful invention known as the whistling kettle?
A rich family had a servant in their manor house whose sole purpose was to inform the head cook when her kettle was boiling.
He managed this by placing his ear close to the kettle to see if he could hear the water bubbling. This caused, on one occasion, his ear to get burnt, and he screamed out in pain.
The local bobby was walking past and, at hearing the blood curling scream, rushed in thinking that someone was being murdered.
The servant was then given a warning that if he screamed again he would be sacked.
The next time he put his ear to the kettle, his ear was burnt again... so in an effort to hold back his scream he took in a depth breath, thus producing a backwards whistle.
On hearing the whistle, the cook rushed over and took her kettle.... and thus the initial design for a whistling kettle.
posted by Karen 9:13 AM
Tuesday, December 11, 2001
Where Are They Now? Peanuts star Charlie Brown now works for a pittance in a banana straightening factory in Istanbul.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 11:00 PM
Teen pop sensation and virgin Britney Spears is actually a genetically modified chimpanzee, believed to be cloned from Michael Jackson's Bubbles, whilst her boyfriend Jason Timberhead is a real-life Pinocchio, being carved entirely from a single block of wood, and animated using a complex arrangement of strings.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 10:47 PM
Sea lions are also rather badly named, as they are not lions, nor a member of any known Feline genus. They are in fact most closely related to the Common Song Thrush, and indeed, are often to be heard chirping a beautiful "twit-de-twit-de-chit-chit-chit-tikka-foo" song, especially during the mating season.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 10:41 PM
Jelly Babies are somewhat badly named, as they are not really made of jelly, and neither do they contain any baby. Well, no more than 2%. They are in fact made from assorted powdered molluscs and glue.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 10:36 PM
The man who created the Toblerone actually created it as a flat bar of choclate.
He tasted it and then decided to rush it over to his girlfriend for her approval. He jumped on the bus and, for safe keeping, put his chocolate bar in his pocket with a comb for the 40 minute journey.
By the time he got to his girlfriends, the chocolate had melted against his hot leg and inbetween the teeth of the comb. As he did not want to disappoint, he handed her the triangular bar of chocolate. She endorsed it purely because it was so easy for her to break off a piece to taste.
Famed former Prime Mnister of the United Kingdom, Benjamin Disreali (1804-1881) was an author as well as a politician, frequently wore fancy clothes such as his Map of the Outer Hebrides suit and his millipede outfit, and loved to make fun of Gladstone who he described as "old vomit chops". In his spare time he enjoyed shrimp balancing, and carving caricatures of his nemesis Gladstone out of meringue.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 2:49 PM
ITN newsreader Trevor McDonald has announced that he will be retiring in the new year. "I am totally and utterly sick of the news," he said earlier today, "so I am going to go somewhere where there is no news. No TV, no newspapers, no radio. Nothing but peace and tranquility." When asked where he could possibly mean, he winked at us conspiratorily, and said "that would be telling." But then, just as we were about to leave the ITN studios, a secretary came in and called over, "Good news, Trev! The clinic say they've found a dorsal fin donor for you, and are expecting a blowhole to become available shortly."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 2:29 PM
Paul Daniels the ageing shortarse magician used to be well over 7 feet tall in height before an encounter with a voodoo priest.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 2:18 PM
Monday, December 10, 2001
There was wild celebration in the streets of Kabul yesterday, as the first jars of Marmite to be seen in the Afghan capital for five years were delivered by an RAF C-130 Hercules transport plane. Marmite had been previously banned under the Taliban regime, who described it as ‘the yeast of the infidel.’ Locals however explained that Marmite has long been a traditional delicacy among Afghans, who first developed a taste for it when it was discovered by raiding parties who overran British border posts on the Kyber Pass in the 1860’s. They went on to say that although the Taliban claimed to oppose Marmite on religious grounds, their main objection was that it is very difficult to wash out of a really shaggy beard. The US defence secretary, Donald Rumsfeld, in a special press conference at the Pentagon, stated that ‘now we know that freedom has truly arrived for the Afghan people.’ When challenged as to why Marmite remains banned in Saudi Arabia, he went on to say that this was ‘an internal matter, with which it would be quite wrong for the US government to interfere.’
posted by Jon 11:45 PM
Knees were invented in 1923. Previously, if you dropped a five pound note, you had to throw yourself prostrate to the ground to retrieve it, and then ask a friend or passing neighbour to help you back upright again.
posted by blogger 10:20 PM
Cushions are illegal in China.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 8:32 PM
The national costume of Norway consists of a tin of pineapple chunks tied to the top of the wearer's head, with a coarse string woven from moose-hair. And one of those giant cosy slippers for old people and into which you put both feet at once and that they sell in those crappy catalogues that always fall out of the Sunday papers. And nothing else, apart from perhaps a couple of ice-cubes with which to cover the genitals.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 8:30 PM
TV presenter Keith Chegwin has come clean about his past, and admitted that he used to have a nasty habit of knocking over parking meters in his car late at night. Cheggars would quickly bung each felled meter into the back of his car, and back at home he would hacksaw it into small manageable chunks, which he devour greedily and with relish. Or occasionally mango chutney.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 8:26 PM
TV gardener and professional cross-eyed man Alan Titchmarsh is, in fact, allergic to the colour green. Which can be something of a problem for someone like a garderner who comes into contact with that particular hue almost constantly. To get around this problem, Titchmarsh has to bathe every morning in a quick setting plastic solution that forms into an invisible skin over his body, thus eliminating any actual contact with the colour green.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 8:13 PM
James Bond actor Roger Moore used to have such trouble raising his eyebrows quizzically, that the Bond movie producers insisted that he have his eyebrows shaved off and have two specially trained centipedes employed in their place. Moore grew inordinately fond of the centipedes, which he named Sean and George, and was overcome with grief when Jaws - the big lad with the metal teeth - got a bit carried away and chewed them up and ate them in an untransmitted scene from Moonraker.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 8:09 PM
Gravelly voiced singer Rod Stewart has been collecting his own belly button fluff for the last thirty or so years, and now has enough to make two entire stage outfits, one of which he will be auctioning off in aid of his favourite charity, himself.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 8:04 PM
You know how sometimes in the early evening you see the moon in the sky and it looks HUGE? That's an optical illusion; what's happening is that because the moon appears to be nearer the horizon our brains tell us that it must therefore be closer to our planet Earth, and if it's closer it must be bigger. In reality it's the same size and the same distance away as it ever was, and if you hold your hand in front of your face and block out the horizon from your vision you can observe this for yourself. (This is all true, by the way).
Anyway, in much the same way, our brains also deceive us into thinking that mice are tiny little animals just two or three inches long. In reality mice are monstrous creatures and are usually between 15 to 25 feet tall. You can observe this for yourself by picking up a mouse by its tail and holding it up in the air and viewing it from beneath, making sure that you cannot see the ground. But at this point, as you realise how enormous the mouse really is, it will most likely fall and flatten you. So, beware!
posted by Gina Snowdoll 11:39 AM
Betty Turnip, the grumbling geriatric barmaid of the Rovers Return in Coronation Street is being issued an ultimatum from the other actors on the show: Jump or be pushed. "We're getting really fed up with her", said that fat kid who plays Tyrone. "All she has ever does is grumble and moan. I don't think there has been even one slightly interesting storyline featuring her for the last twenty years."
"Well ordinarily," said Boring Ken who's been on the show since it began, "I'd stick up for a fellow Street actor, but I have to add my voice of dissent. I really can't see why the Coronation Street bosses keep her on. She doesn't do anything. Except complain. And make those Betty's hot-pots of course. They really are revolting. Sometimes we genuinely have to eat some of that filth for the cameras."
"I think she must put slugs and dirt and bits of old twig and dog poop in there," added Tyrone. "I'm sure I saw her following Monica [the greyhound] around the other day with a pooper scooper."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 9:35 AM
If you play Kylie Minogue's cd 'Can't Get You Out of My Head', backwards and at half speed, you can hear a squeaky voice saying, "Eat human flesh, and eat it well, my fellow zombies."
posted by blogger 7:34 AM
Sunday, December 09, 2001
Morecambe And Wise- Defenders Of The Future! British comedy icons, Morecambe and Wise, today emerged from the Blackpool boarding house where they have been hiding since their so-called “deaths” and revealed that they were, in fact, time-travelling comedy androids from the 1272nd century.
Eric and Ernie- or Comedy Units Beta 937 and Omega Omega 12- claim to be “astonished” that no-one had realised this before. “People kept saying that our comedy was ‘timeless’,” said Omega Omega 12, “we just didn’t realise that it was a metaphor.”
The duo established their act in the music halls of 47th century Mars, whose Great Northern Ocean coastline will be a favourite for holidaying Martians of many species, honed their comedic skills to perfection as court jester to the Roman Emperors from Augustus to Trajan- “That Claudius, he liked a laugh!” chips in the irrepressible Beta 937- “Omega’s impression of Livia went down a treat, especially with his short, fat pedal units! Ha-hey!”
What is the purpose of their hilarious trek through history? The comedy cybernauts are in constant trans-temporal communication with their controller, the Laughomatic 1200, located on the ruins of present-day France, sending back the finest jokes in history to aid in its defence of Earth against the humourless octopoids of the Artscritic Galaxy- “Worse audience than the Glasgow Empire on a wet Thursday,” said Beta 937.
And what does the future hold for Earth? Here’s a few glimpses, courtesy of Britain’s favourite comedy mechanisms:
The Moon and Earth will split up, the Moon going on to a massively successful solo career before finally moving to the 40 Eridani system;
The entire continent of Australia will be made of cheese;
Britain will join the euro in the 33rd century, and;
Everyone in Hartlepool should leave. Now.
Jamie Oliver In Space!
By The Liar’s Science Staff. The Liar today has a hot flush of patriotic fervour as it can exclusively reveal that Britain’s space programmes is about to go into overdrive after building to this moment after over thirty years of feverish inertia. The first Briton to be shot into space aboard a purely British rocket has been named- and it’s loveable, cheeky Cockney chef, Jamie Oliver! “It’s like a dream come true,” said the chirpy media tart. “Now I feel I have nothing left to strive for.”
Jamie will be launched from Britain’s Princess Michael of Kent Space Facility on Rockall on his mission to test the theory that the Asteroid Belt is made entirely of chocolate upon the first all-British spaceship, the “65032 Blue Peter”. Readers of The Liar will doubtless recall that the mission was inspired by the famous children’s TV programme, when long-time presenter Tamsin Piper asked children across the country to send in their parents' old or unwanted money.
Astro-chef Jamie’s 18-year mission will be managed entirely from Mission Control, Didcot; the actor Ed Harris, who played Gene Krantz in “Apollo 13”, will be in charge of the whole thing. Harris today told The Liar “I keep telling you, I’m an actor- an actor!”
Jamie will be launched into the cold, bleak lonely vastnesses of outer space within a year from now- as yet, no plans have been announced about returning him to Earth.
posted by Melanie 10:15 PM
“The Onion” To Become Broadway Musical! America’s famous internet-based satirical newspaper-type thingy, credited for single-handedly introducing irony to the USA, is to leap from the computer screen and onto New York’s famous Broadway! The show is to include The Onion’s trademark biting wit and skewed outlook on the world, combined with show-stopping musical numbers- the show’s big song, “I Don’t Know How, I Don’t Live In Florida”- is tipped to be America’s Christmas number one.
To keep the show topical, the show’s British writers- funny man Les Dennis and top toad-faced irritant, “Lord” Andrew Lloyd-Webber- will re-write up to fifteen seconds-worth of material every week. “I just don’t know how we’ll keep up,” “Family Fortune”’s Les told The Liar, “It’ll be a zany, roller-coaster ride of family fun!”
Also adding to the madness will be knockabout humour from Pauly Shore, Adam Sandler and TV’s “The Drew Carey Show”’s Drew Carey, who- The Liar can exclusively reveal- will be touring late next year as “The New Three Stooges”.
The show’s producers, Bialystock and Bloom Inc., are confident of its success. “We think this’ll do at least as well for us as ‘Prisoners Of Love’ did!” said charismatic Max Bialystock today. “In fact,” he continued, “Can I put you down for a 50% stake?”
Journalistic integrity prevents this reporter from revealing what she did- but I can say that you’ll all be sorry when I’m rich and powerful- especially that Snowdoll! Aha! Ahahahahaha!!!!!
posted by Melanie 10:14 PM
STOP PRESS: Reports are reaching us here at the offices of The Liar that Basil Brush has obtained a cloaking device of the type used by the Romulans in Star Trek. Already reports are coming in of people having been scared "shitless" by the invisible fox puppet coming up behind them in the street and shouting out "BOOM BOOM".
Please, if you are going out, be very very careful, as Police still have not apprehended this menace.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 4:09 PM
Singer and musician David Bowie is a self-confessed pickle addict. "I can't get enough of them," he admitted. "Pickled onions, gherkins, radish, red cabbage... errrr... pickled walnuts, pickled eggs, an' those little cocktail onions... I just love 'em all. I keep several jars of pickles in each room at home, just in case I get the urge, y'know? As you do."
"Brian Eno introduced me to the delights of the pickle, during the Berlin period back in the seventies. One night he said to me, '`ere Dave, let's go out tonight and get really pickled'. Iggy Pop was with us at the time. Man, poor ol' Ig couldn't handle his pickles; farting and burping all night, he was. And we also used to hang out with Kraftwerk too, whenever we were in Dusseldorf. Florian Schneider used to make his own pickles. Wow! Blow your socks off they would. We had a joke about it at the time that his pickles were as deadly as a V2 bomber. That's how the song V2 Schneider came about."
"Actually, I reckon that's why we're all so well preserved, me and Iggy and the others. It's the vinegar, it gets into your skin. And as I rarely eat anything but pickles these days!"
posted by Gina Snowdoll 3:52 PM
Dave Lee Travis is now the 'in store' dj at Homebase DIY in Bracknell. On Sundays, he is joined by 'Diddy' David Hamilton.
posted by blogger 12:10 PM
Saturday, December 08, 2001
Engineers in India have said today that they are worried about the structural integrity of the Taj Mahal, after the discovery that elephants have been burrowing close to its foundations.
posted by Jon 2:55 PM
The Liar has learned today that Cilla Black bites the heads off ponies.
posted by Jon 2:52 PM
Radiohead the popular musical group from Oxford, originally thought up the name of the band following an incident in which the other members of the band (who shall remain nameless as I haven't done much research on this story) superglued a transistor radio to singer Thom Yorke's head. That's why he grimaces so much and he goes all cross-eyed when he's singing. He can still hear all those chattering Radio 1 DJs spouting shite in his head.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 9:47 AM
Geckos throughout Europe are threatening to go on strike as of Monday. "So what?" said a man in the street yesterday.
"This is precisely the sort of attitude we are up against," said a spokeslizard for the Geckos. "People seem to have no idea what we do. They just think we're these cute little lizards that dart around. Well, don't come crying to us when civilisation crumbles, that's all."
"Geckos?" said a woman in the street yesterday. "Aren't they some kind of Grecian mural, or wall hanging or something? And could we continue this interview on the pavement, I don't want to get crushed under this approaching bus. Actually, could we re-schedule the whole thing for next Wednesday, as 'yesterday' isn't very good for me. Byeeee..."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 9:44 AM
Moulin Rouge Star Treated Like Shit Whilst the kudos and critical acclaim come pouring in for the hit movie "Moulin Rouge", which is tipped to win all sorts of awards, one of the movie's key stars is less than impressed. "I didn't even get a credit," moaned the Emperor Dalek, formerly known for his role in the BBC TV series Doctor Who. "Just look at the poster for the movie - there I am on it - bold as brass - but where is my name? No-where, that's where! And my scenes in the film itself were said to be amongst the most spectacular. But still, no recognition."
The Emperor Dalek, in the Moulin Rouge (left), and relaxing at home yesterday (right)
"What's more, they were literally thowing money at Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman... millions of bloody dollars they made from this movie. What do they offer me? 'We can't give you Earth money,' they said, 'What use would that be to you on Skaro? And we can't give you gold, we know that it's fatal to daleks.' Bloody idiots! I tried telling them that's CYBERMEN. But would they listen? In the end they paid me in nuts and bolts! 'You eat nuts and bolts, right?' they said. Bastards."
"Look, if Doctor Who wants to go around saving the world, he should start by taking on those evil bastards in bloody Hollywood. Wipe 'em out, and leave us poor ol' daleks alone. We're a peaceful loving species really, we just want to be famous and act in big movies. Is that a crime?"
posted by Gina Snowdoll 9:30 AM
Buckingham Palace today confirmed the reinstatement of It's A Royal Knockout. In its new format, the contest will be open to any Royal head of state or officially sanctioned Monarch. It will consist of an elimination series of fifteen-round bouts, as all the worlds Kings, Queens and Emporers slug it out for the right to be called the Undisputed Heavyweight Monarch of the World.
posted by Jon 2:40 AM
Friday, December 07, 2001
Rolf Harris lives in a borrowed tent, because he believes that "all property is theft".
BBC newsreader, Anna Ford, was a member of the British Lions rugby squad, that toured New Zealand, in 1987.
Former Olympic champion, Sebastian Coe, now weighs thirty five stones.
Brian May, lead guitarist with Queen, is married to Eileen Darbyshire, who plays Emily Bishop, in the popular soap, Coronation Street.
The Duchess of York, now works as a caddy at Wentworth Golf Club.
posted by blogger 10:09 PM
Prime Minister Ariel Sharon called the Israeli Cabinet into emergency session last night, in response to the news that a previously untranslated section of the Dead Sea Scrolls has revealed that the Holy Land was in fact originally located in the South London borough of Southwark, with its ancient capital sited where modern day Peckham now stands. In an historic statement, it was declared that: 'The Israeli State will be relocated to Southwark, and we envisage that this process will be fully completed by tomorrow afternoon at the latest.' Inhabitants of Peckham were this morning seen throwing stones, setting fire to cars and shooting their children. Initial reports that this may have been some kind of acclimatisation process were scotched when local resident, Barry Knucklesnout, said 'we're always doing that.' The newly appointed President of the Southwarkian Liberation Organisation, Gaz A'Barrerlad, said 'we plan to announce a Fat-Wall, just as soon as we work out exactly what that means.' Meanwhile, the United States quickly moved to grant full recognition to the new state of the London Borough of Israel, with the renamed Peckhusalem as its capital.
However, there was widespread international condemnation of this afternoon's strike by units of the Israeli Borough Army into neighbouring Lambeth, supported by Israeli Borough Airforce helicopter gunships which fired several rockets at Brixton Town Hall, in response to an alleged incursion by several Lambeth street-cleaners into the disputed territory of the Brockwell Strip. President Bush described the London Borough of Israel's action as 'very naughty' adding that 'if this continues, Mr. Sharon definitely won't be getting a ride in my brand new golf buggy.' Mayor of London Ken Livingstone was heavily critical of the amount of traffic congestion caused by the incident, repeating his proposal that buses should be exempt from the stringent security checks at the armed control-points now set up around the perimeter of the Borough. Mayor Livingstone's summit talks with Shimon Peres, the London Borough of Israel's foreign minister, were believed to have ended in deadlock, as Mr. Peres repeatedly 'refused to recognise the inviolability of bus-lanes.'
posted by Jon 6:06 PM
BREAKING NEWS Sting Declares War on Jimmy Saville! Sting is expected to send in troops later today. In a statement earlier this morning he said, "Saville has ridiculed my reasoned pleas to surrender the stolen ant colony, blithely ignoring last night's deadline. I am saddened to say that I have little option but to send in armed forces and forcibly remove the ants from within Mr Saville's grasp. I sincerely hope that there will be no casualties, and if Saville suffers a scraped knee or a bruised elbow or something, then he really has no-one to blame but himself. (Previously in this saga)
posted by Gina Snowdoll 9:49 AM
Musician and "Tubular Bells" composer Mike Oldfield is today being honoured in Portsmouth, the coastal town which Oldfield was instrumental in putting firmly on the map after his single, the jolly instrumental piece with no words "Portsmouth", was a hit in 1976. At a ceremony in Portsmouth Harbour later today, where excited crowds and sea-gulls are already gathering, town officials will be unveiling a statue of the musician made completely out of fish-fingers. Speaking to the gathering press and anyone who would listen, the sculptor Horatio Birdseye (Cpt, retired) said, "I am deeply moved. It brings a tear to the eye. Arrrrr"
posted by Gina Snowdoll 9:31 AM
Prince Edward, the balding loser, has today revealed that his wife, the Countess of Wessex is really a fembot with a large chin. She is the latest pointy jawed metal monster to join the increasing number of big chinned robots enjoying celebrity status in Britain today.
We can exclusively reveal that R2Forsyth has been cautioned by police for propositioning under age pedal bins in the Luton area.
Also, Jimmy Hill C3PO has been signed to Millwall FC as a crowd control/security officer. Manager Fred Hitler said 'he can chin the fucking fans and see how much they bloody like it'.
Meanwhile, sales of toilet paper are on the increase...
posted by Gina Snowdoll 9:17 AM
Thursday, December 06, 2001
It is a little known fact, that 'Posh Spice' is David Beckham'ssecond wife. Previously, he was married to the lovely television personality, Judith Chalmers
posted by blogger 10:12 PM
TV prankster and beardy twat Noel Edmonds has today shocked the world's Fortean community by confessing that he is behind all unexplained phenomena. "It was all a big prank," he chortled. "UFOs? That was me in my helicopter. I'd stuck lots of tin-foil and fairy lights onto it to make it look space-aged. Frogs raining from the sky? That was me in the helicopter again with a bucket of frogs. Loch Ness Monster? That was me going for a swim in the loch with a sock puppet on my hand; simple but devilishly effective. The Yeti and Big-Foot? They were both me too; I simply used the Mr Blobby costume and a big fur coat. I'm surprised no-one ever noticed the resemblance. As for ghosts and poltergeists, well they were all me too. It's amazing what you can do with a few bedsheets, some luminous paint, and some fine thread with which to attach to objects to make it appear as if they are flying."
And crop circles? "At the risk of sounding immodest, yes, I created all of those too," smirked Edmonds. "Those intricate patterns? I copied the designs from off my sweaters."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 4:25 PM
More Euro News-- There was fierce argument in the European Parliament today, after it was discovered that glass screens had been erected around German and Dutch MEP's. A spokesman for the EU, Jacquette Pommedeterres, said 'well if they will insist on speaking really spitty languages, they'll just have suffer the consequences. The dry-cleaning bill after large debates now represents a significant proportion of the overall EU budget.' German MEP Helmut Gunturretten grew so incensed that it later took cleaning staff over two hours to wipe down his screen. 'We're also considering the option of windscreen wipers,' Monsieur Pommedeterres commented.
posted by Jon 2:58 PM
Sprouts are sentient and scream with pain when eaten. However, their cries are ultrasonic and beyond the range of human hearing. Which explains why your pet dog looks at you in that way when you're shovelling down your Christmas dinner. And you thought he was after a few tidbits.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 2:21 PM
Squeaky-voiced ageing Northern pop star singing sensation Sting has issued an ultimatum to Jimmy Saville to the effect that if Saville does not surrender the missing ant colony by midnight tonight then action will be taken against Saville.
Jimmy Saville in turn is maintaining his innocence in the whole affair. "The ants with which I intend using to populate my scale model of the BBC TV Centre are an entirely separate colony of ants, and are not to be confused with those which Mr Sting used to keep cooped up in that shabby bass guitar. And he calls himself an environmentalist. These insects deserve respect, and need a bit of space to move around in. I don't know who was responsible for the theft of Mr Sting's colony, but whoever it was, I heartily applaud their efforts."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 1:20 PM
Countries belonging to the EU, including France, Belgium, Italy, Spain and Luxemburg, have agreed to change their names by deed poll. In fact, the plan is that they swap names, so that Germany for example could end up being renamed Portugal, and Portugal could become The Netherlands, whilst The Netherlands would become the new United Kingdom.
The names of each of the countries will be drawn from a hat, and the renaming will take effect on 1st January 2002. An Euro MEP Eurospokesperson type Euro person explained the reasoning behind this somewhat unusual re-shuffle: "The national income for tourism varies wildly from one EU member country to the next, which is undoubtedly not fair on those countries which don't do so well in the tourism stakes. We believe that if we rename each member country, that it'll confuse the hell out of the tourists, and Austria say, could benefit by picking up tourism from people who thought they may be holidaying in Spain. It's a bit of a lottery, I know, but to be frank, we in the Euro Parliament couldn't think of a better idea. To be honest, we don't really know what we're doing regarding anything in Europe, and I don't know how we've been getting away with it for so long. Still, it'll be a laugh."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 12:21 PM
Geriatric DJ and one-time TV presenter Jimmy Saville collects lollipop sticks. "I've been picking them off the street for over 30 years now," Jimmy explained. "It's all part of a larger project I've been working on. I've been using them to build a scale model of the BBC television centre, which is very nearly complete."
Jimmy went on to show us detailed sections within the model itself where he had re-created the television studios in which he presented classic shows such as Jim'll Fix It and Top of the Pops. "Here you can see in the Top of the Pops studio. I've re-created the 1970s style decor and over here are some little drums and guitars, and I've got little models of all the TV cameras and all the lighting equipment, and all the behind-the-scenes gubbins..."
But no people, Jimmy? "No, well, what I thought was that I'd populate the model BBC TV centre with ants..."
"Why are you looking at me like that?" he added.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 9:30 AM
Wednesday, December 05, 2001
The Daily Star is to publish exclusive photographs of Cliff Richard drinking coffee. Although blurred and clearly taken with a telephoto lens, the pictures do confirm that the God - goody has knowingly been involved in percolating. The black and white photographs are believed to date from the early 1990s when Sir Cliff was 'not drinking tea'.
The Daily Star spoke, earlier today, with top tv personality Sue Barker, who confirmed that she had "attended a date" with Mr Richard, but that "shagging was never an option".
posted by blogger 11:34 PM
What next for God? After his virtuoso performance of announcing his existence by wiping all religion from the face of the Earth, GOD agreed to give a WORLD EXCLUSIVE interview to The Liar. 'Basically those guys had me all wrong,' he said. 'I mean, I go to all the trouble of buiding a reasonably sophisticated brain for you guys, then you use me as an excuse not to use it. Obviously, I'm omnipresent throughout the Universe and all that, and omniscient too, but I generally pay more attention to those parts of the Cosmos where the surf's really good. Also, six days out of seven I'm generally building all sorts of cool new stuff where the physics gets much more bendy. So I've just not really been around much lately, is what I'm saying here. Don't expect an apology or anything like that, because I'm God, and what I say goes. But I really couldn't give a toss what you guys get up to. Work it out for yourselves, and if you fuck up, it's your own damned fault. Oh yeah, on the subject of damnation, there's no afterlife. You don't like that? OK, so complain to the manager, and he'll ignore you. And that's another thing. Yes, I hear all your prayers. No, I don't answer them unless they have to do with surfing, and frankly the surfing on this planet just isn't interesting enough to make it worth my while. But if you're going to insist on asking me to cure you of your sexual urges, could you at least make the descriptions a lot more graphic?' We at The Liar would like to thank God for granting us this interview, but not in an arselicking, crawling 'I wonder whether I'll get to Heaven when I die' kind of way. Oh no.
posted by Jon 11:30 PM
In response to Cliff Richard's comments, Douwe Egberts has released the following statement:
"Although we do manufacture our coffee inside the gates of Hell, this is purely because of the superior roasting technology available there. We relocated to Hell because highly competitive interest rates and wage costs, combined with the well known efficiency of a Satanic workforce, made it economically expedient to do so. Mr Richard's attempt to link our company and our product with the wider business interests of His Satanic Majesty is a matter upon which we are currently consulting our lawyers. We have also consulted Miss Sue Barker, who confirmed to us that Mr. Richard only pretends to be a Christian as cover for the fact that he hasn't got a willy."
posted by Jon 10:50 PM
Huggy Bear at the Earth's Core
Antonio Fargas, TV's Huggy Bear from the Starsky and Hutch cop show has returned triumphant from a trip to the very centre of the earth. Asked why he undertook such an expedition, Fargas told us, "The word was out on the street that some muthas was after me, after a li'l business arrangement that they weren't too happy about, so I decided to lie low. And you can't get lower than underground and right deep down to the Earth's core, know what I mean? So that's where I went. I made some of the journey on the New York subway, an' got as deep as the train was gonna go, and then did the rest on foot, making my way through a series of caves. I soon discovered that the whole damn planet was hollow and that there was this amazing place down there, man."
And what of underground civilisations? Was it as H G Wells predicted, with a sophisticated but brutal underground people such as the morlocks running the show? Or was this the domain of the semi-legendary mole people?
"Nothing of the sort, man. There were no people anywheres. Just dem damn rabbits. Rabbits everywhere as far as the eye could see. I was knee-deep in rabbits, man. But you know what rabbits are like? They burrows into the ground and they makes babies."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 8:16 PM
Cliff Richard believes that coffee is the "drink of the devil". Speaking from his luxury home in Weybridge, the ageing singer said that he believed God had instructed him to tell the world about the evil of "so called coffee".
In an exclusive interview with Gloria Hunniford, for the Channel 5 afternoon show, 'Groaning with Gloria', Cliff said that although instant coffee was mildly 'devilish', Douwe Egberts was manufactured inside the gates of hell.
Later in the interview, Cliff said, "I dated Sue Barker, you know......"
posted by blogger 8:16 PM
Didcot was not officially recognised, until 1994, when it was discovered by Tony Robinson's 'Time Team'.
posted by blogger 8:06 PM
People in Wiltshire have been warned not to eat cheese this evening. 'We don't want them to have nightmares' said a spokesman for the council.
posted by Jon 7:06 PM
The baboons of Paris have been busy today refashioning the ruins of Notre Dame Cathedral into a giant bust of President Chirac. The human inhabitants of the French capital have been deserting it in droves however. Frustration at the apparent unwillingness of the authorities to deal with the simian invasion, turned to anger later today when it was revealed that the Parisian Police have been explicitly ordered not to intervene. Furthermore, it is rumoured that Chief of Police, Serge l'Amour de la Chapeau-Orange, has been sacked this evening after he was heard to say that 'these baboons have friends in high places.'
posted by Jon 6:44 PM
Branston Pickle is a sure-fire, foolproof, tried and tested cure for a hangover. Simply take one jar of Branston Pickle, empty the entire contents on to your head, and massage it in thoroughly. Go on, try it. It works.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 4:18 PM
Scientists were at a loss today as to the possible explanation for the sudden disappearance of the leaders and adepts of all the world's major religions, and the apparently simultaneous collapse into dust of thousands of churches and temples. 'We think it may be some really new kind of electricity,' said Professor Eggington Trunk of MIT, 'which is best explained by tying several hundred apples together with a really long piece of string.'
posted by Jon 4:14 PM
Tony Blair hit back today against critics of his policy of selling 'outmoded' members of the Labour Party to the Conservatives, saying those opposed to the practice should 'get real.' 'We feel many of our older members would be more at home in the Conservative Party,' he added, and pointed out that the money raised in this way 'is probably the most positive contribution these members can make to the New Labour project.'
posted by Jon 2:21 PM
World religious leaders, including those representing Islamic, Christian, Buddhist, Jewish, and Muslim faiths, today joined together in releasing a statement to the effect that there is no God, and that they'd "made up all this religion lark" for a laugh. "We were surprised that people were taken in by it all," said a spokesman for the various worldwide religious groups. "I mean all that praying, and dreary singing stuff; not to mention the fasting and the abstinence and all that not having sex business. We never thought anyone would seriously fall for it. We've been laughing ourselves silly in private for years. And at our rampant sex orgies, naturally. We just thought it was about time we let you all in on the joke."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 2:20 PM
Buckingham Palace confirmed today that Princess Margaret has an extra set of prehensile jaws inside her mouth, which can extend up to twelve inches outside her face. 'She finds this especially useful at garden parties,' they added.
posted by Jon 1:59 PM
In an Exclusive Interview with The Liar, Rolf Harris finally admitted that he never really recovered from hearing about the death in its sleep of a dormouse in Bolivia last year. 'It was very sad,' he said 'the poor little critter was only one hundred and seventeen years old. He still had so much to live for.' It was very moving to see the tears stream down Rolf's face, soaking his bloodstained apron. Throughout the interview, Rolf kept busy with his latest project of nailing Labrador puppies to specially made crucifixes. 'I know it's a bit sentimental of me,' he explained 'but the little fellas seem to enjoy it so much that I just can't help myself. They really do literally sing with joy.' 'It's like music to my ears,' he added.
posted by Jon 12:40 PM
Science in "It was all guess work" shocker Scientists have announced today that they don't know what they're doing, and that they've been making it all up as they go along. "We don't have a clue about anything," a spokesperson for science said. "Physics, astromony, chemistry, medicine, any technology you care to mention really. I guess we've just had a series of lucky guesses. I don't know how we've been able to get away with it for so long. But we were bound to get caught out in the end - the laws of probability state that something was going to go seriously wrong and end in cataclysmic disaster sooner or later. That is, bearing in mind that we invented the laws of probability out of thin air, of course. Anyway, we decided to come clean about the whole affair, so as curtail all that finger-wagging-in-our-direction business that would have happened otherwise."
When questioned as to what a world without science should do now, we were told, "Just stay at home. With the lights off. I can't stress that more urgently... don't use electricity - it's probably very unstable - we invented the whole concept of electricity during one of those drunken binges and I'm sure it can't be safe, it'll most likely kill us all."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 11:16 AM
Henry Winkler, TV's "The Fonz" from Happy Days, has confessed that he has become an addict of a new extreme sport. "It's come to the point when my wife will refuse to be seen with me when we go to the mall on shopping trips," he explained, adding "I just love escalator surfing! If I go to a store with escalators, well, I'm just riding up and down all day. There's no getting me off them."
Winkler gets irritated by other escalator riders though. "They either just stand there - no poise at all - or they're in too much of a hurry and want to use the escalator as a staircase. That's not the way to do it. You need to become one with the escalator; you need the correct stance, and you need to know how to add flourishes to your ride. The dismount is very important. None of this merely stepping off the end business. Personally, I like to dismount with a cartwheel or a few somersaults. Obviously you have to learn not to knock over the store's displays, I've had a few entanglements myself with shop mannequins in the past, but there is nothing more satisfying or more graceful than a beautifully executed escalator dismount."
Mr Winkler will be appearring on the London Undergound in the spring.
posted by Gina Snowdoll 10:17 AM
Following a dawn raid by the Health and Safety Executive, Nabisco Foods PLC have announced a postponement of the launch of their new breakfast cereal "Shredded Meat". Prince Phillip is a director of Nabisco.
posted by blogger 7:27 AM
Buckingham Palace refused to comment today on rumours that Prince Phillip breaks open the skulls of small children with his teeth and sucks out their brains, merely saying that this was 'a private matter.' They did however confirm that Prince Charles has a third hand growing out of the middle of his chest, adding that 'he uses it to polish his medals.'
posted by Jon 12:40 AM
Tuesday, December 04, 2001
In response to the news that Shredded Wheat is made from the hair of dead people, Tesco has announced that it is withdrawing packets of its own brand Shredded Feet from its stores 'pending investigation.'
posted by Jon 11:01 PM
The Liar has learned today that the English town of Leamington Spa is over four thousand kilomotres long, and less than three millimetres across at its widest point. When asked how this might affect the town's recent bid to become European City of Culture, the Mayor said '_____________,' and then added '_______,_____________________ .' The British Medical Association refused to comment, however.
posted by Jon 10:43 PM
The Liar is shocked to discover that, as the Microsoft empire continues to implode, entirely spurious claims are being made by journalists that the US government attempted to cover up the fact that Bill Gates is made of custard. 'We just can't help ourselves' sneered Jeremy Paxman earlier today 'the opportunity to keep saying Gatesgate on television doesn't come around very often.' In a further development, The Liar has discovered that Paxman attempted yesterday to bribe a gardener into saying that gates don't exist. It is also clear that Paxman tried to involve several MP's in the deception with the promise 'I'll be nice to you from now on, if you ask a few questions in the commons about Gategate.' Paxman later whined 'I wanted to be able to say it in a really sneering and patronising way, as if the whole thing was beneath me.' In a written statement, Greg Dyke, Director General of the BBC, this evening announced that he has personally stitched Jeremy Paxman's tongue to the roof of his mouth. Dyke explained 'It's our little way of saying thank you for allowing everyone in the British media to say Gategategate as often as we possibly can. Everyone except Paxman that is.'
posted by Jon 9:12 PM
Between 1993 and 1997, George Harrison worked as a casual labourer, for Henley District Council.
posted by blogger 8:10 PM
Curiously, Shredded Wheat isn't made from wheat. It is, in fact, made from the hair of dead people.
posted by blogger 8:03 PM
World News- Latest Reports. The international response to US plans to ban abroad has been mixed. French President, Jacques Chirac, described it simply as 'merde!'* this afternoon- a comment which got an ecstatic response from an audience of skateboarding baboons. Lots of clever spectacle wearing type people however, are directly linking President Bush's comments to the high degree of co-ordination shown by national security agencies in their response to the Fishgategate affair. Many thousands of the world's leading marine biologists have been rounded up, and transported to a hastily constructed compound in central Afghanistan. In a statement to the UN Security Council, US Secretary of State, Colin Powell, said 'we just want to keep a close eye on these guys for a while, and we're also demanding some straight answers from them.' In a later news conference, when asked about the range of available options if the marine biologists failed to provide what Mr. Powell described as 'clear and verifiable information,' he merely added 'cruise missiles don't exist. We made them up.'
President Bush does not wear spectacles.
Colin Powell wears spectacles.
posted by Jon 5:46 PM
Ant and Ant in for questioning Police have been rounding up likely suspects in the case of Sting's stolen ant colony. First they hauled in wacky TV presenters Ant and Dec on the basis that "one of them is called Ant and might have an affinity for the insects", but the geordie duo were released this midday having explained that they wouldn't "Do a thing like that to a fellow Geordie, like".
Currently helping Police with their enquiries is one Stuart Goddard, a.k.a. Adam Ant, formerly of the popular musical group Adam and the Ants. A police spokesperson explained that "Mr Ant had a string of hit records back in the 1980s, many of which featured pro-Ant propagandist lyrical content, in songs such as 'Ant Music' and 'The Ants Invasion'. We have to rule out any ant-liberation tendencies on Mr Ant's part before we can eliminate him from our enquiries."
posted by Gina Snowdoll 1:25 PM
US bans abroad. In a speech to the American people earlier today, President George W. Bush said 'Abroad has given us heaps of trouble, so I've decided it's time to do declare it illegal.' 'Hell, it's not even American,' he added later. Tony Blair said he offered his full and unequivocal support. 'We stand shoulder to shoulder with the American people,' he said, 'and will offer them whatever help we can in pursuing ourselves and bringing ourselves to justice.'
posted by Jon 1:00 PM
Disclaimer: Those of us that write this stuff are all of the opinion that we state
pretty damn clearly on this website that all the stories are BLATANTLY untrue.
All material on this site is intended to be used for mirth-making purposes only.
If you can't live with that, then we suggest you take your sense of humour elsewhere.